Navigating through and concentrating on myself #6

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Steve.
I always appreciate your input. You always come in with a level head and aren't afraid to call me out.
I realize that I am too attached. I also know that I have detached better and that I feel differently when these things occur. I do know that I will be ok regardless of how my MR ends up. As many have stated, and I fully agree, I do not think we have even the remotest of chances until we are apart. Unfortunately, there is no way to accomplish this without us filing and getting this done. I don't know if she might change her mind during, but given she has been relentless for over a year with wanting this. She is slowly but surely moving her way into her new life. She is trying to cushion it was much as she can. She is not dumb and is looking for her next bridge. I think she is a brilliant manipulator at this point and so far she has had me hang around for her safety/security and any mind temps that she might have along the way just to make herself feel better. I have said this before, maybe the best thing for her is to get out of our MR. She seems to feel this way that getting rid of me is the answer to all of her issues. I know that isn't the case. She may fall into a great new relationship that meets all of her needs including financial. I don't know. I do know that the odds of that are not good. I don't wish her any ill will, just ready to get on with my life and make my kids a stable home. I don't want to be around for the ggw stage and I definitely don't want to be involved when it all crashes.

I am a touch angry at the moment. More angry with myself for putting up with it for so long. For her, it is more of disgust knowing someone has thrown all of their moral codes out, Pity, looking ahead and seeing the very difficult road (I know imaginary, but somethings like work/kids require time that her health and probably her new social agenda will challenge.
And yes, I will say it again, sadness. I am sad where we ended up. That she has chosen her path and it is without me. I can only drop the rope all the way and move forward.

[Dtrmned]

Question:
I feel very comfortable with my decision, yet I am still yearning to work out my MR. Is this normal and natural given the situation? Knowing and accepting takes time.

And I am not moving this forward for anyone else but myself and my children. I do believe there will be consequences for her through her roller coaster, but I just can't watch it any more. I need to fully let ALL of this go.

[SteveLW]

I think that is normal. I think most of us, even when we began to embrace D, were torn. I think the biggest thing you have to get past is the notion that maybe if you hang on a little longer then things would turn around. If you can move forward without that regret then you are ready, even if you still have a desire to try to save things.

Even those (like OrangeK's) where D was definite talked about that "yearning".

[DB346]

I think that is normal. I think most of us, even when we began to embrace D, were torn. I think the biggest thing you have to get past is the notion that maybe if you hang on a little longer then things would turn around. If you can move forward without that regret then you are ready, even if you still have a desire to try to save things.
.

This is, in my mind, the hardest thing to process. I have filed for D, but I don't want it. I did it because my L advised that I needed to in my situation because of our disagreement on custody. I think you (and me too) have to decide what is best for your family, and detach that from what you want with your W. Maybe I'm wrong, since I can't seem to decide what to do myself...

[sandi2]

I am a touch angry at the moment. More angry with myself for putting up with it for so long. For her, it is more of disgust knowing someone has thrown all of their moral codes out,

Frankly, I think it is high time that you feel anger. Maybe I am the last person on earth who should tell a LBH how he should feel, IDK, but sometimes a certain type of anger can place a firecracker under his a$$ to let go of her and all of her drama & issues......and leave her with it. Know what I mean? You can't be her caregiver (physically or emotionally). So, It's like you brush your hands of it. It may sound a little harsh to your ears b/c you have a gentle, caring soul...….but I'm telling you this is what you have to do.

As I've told you in the past, this is the only thing that makes any sense. And, I say this from knowing the mindset of the WW. Yes, she is very smart in knowing how to manipulate, but she is also a "user". I hate users, and at some point I think most WW's do use people......more especially the LBH. To allow yourself to feel anger, may help you break from her hold. You can't worry over how she'll make it without your assistance. She's smart, she'll figure it out. Just be prepared to see her pull out the emotional tools to use. I'd guess the main tools she'll use is "guilt" and "pity". Those two kind of mesh together. Although she may have said yada, yada, yada...…….she'll try to make you feel guilty or feel sorry for how hard things are for her. Plus, don't think she won't use her health as a tool to make you feel badly. I realize that sounds horrible, but I'm telling you there is no length or depth some WW's won't go. It may be for manipulative purposes, or just cause she can make you feel rotten. The LBH has to wear a protective amour at all times, or she'll catch him at his weakest and shoot those manipulative arrows right into his heart.

I think that will be the toughest part for you, b/c it has been so ingrained into your brain to be concerned for her welfare...….and holding the family unit together. It may be tough to change gears, but you have to keep your eyes on the road. I've watched some of my adult children, siblings, etc. go through unwanted divorces. The children, parents, grandparents, etc., adjusted. We have a close family and when there is a death or divorce......it is a loss for everyone. Now, the kids have two homes, and we work with the schedules and work to make the best of what we have. But the point I want to make is that you make those adjustments and life goes on. Listen, when my DIL divorced my S, I felt as if one of my kids had died. It affected our entire family (grandparents, etc.), but we had to move on with life and have birthday celebrations, etc., in spite of the absence of that person we loved. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. It's just me trying to put my arms around you and tell you that you and your kids will be okay. I do wish my grandchildren had seen a counselor when everything blew apart, b/c in that case, it was so fast and such a shock and the kids were so young. Everyone was in shock and torn up, we didn't know how to help the kids. So, I'd suggest to everyone to have your kids see a professional counselor, at least in the initial time when the spouses separate/divorce. They need someone who is emotionally detached from the family who can answer questions and explain things in an unbiased way.....and just let the kids feel like they can safely/freely express their feelings.

Pity, looking ahead and seeing the very difficult road (I know imaginary, but somethings like work/kids require time that her health and probably her new social agenda will challenge.
And yes, I will say it again, sadness. I am sad where we ended up. That she has chosen her path and it is without me. I can only drop the rope all the way and move forward.

That's okay to have those feelings. It's a sad situation, and divorce is not the answer to making it better. However, she apparently thinks otherwise. You've tried very hard for a long time, hoping she would see the value in what was there.....and what was possible. Whenever a woman feels "done" with the M, it is extremely difficult for the H to convince her things can be better. You see, when she feels done, she just doesn't care anymore. The H doesn't get it. He just doesn't get that she is really done, and he has the idea he can change her mind. That's why when we see a H doing all his 180's to show his WW how he can change and make things better, and it doesn't work. It's b/c she doesn't want a relationship with him, no matter how many self improvements he makes. She's done! It's over.

It's such a waste and so unnecessary, and you have every right to feel the way you do. It's okay to mourn. Feeling anger is often a stage of mourning.

You are a good person, JS. Your children are so blessed to have you as their dad. Training yourself to take your focus off your W may take some time, b/c you've taken care of her for a long time. Once you physically separate from her, I think the burden of taking care of her and doing all the things to take up the slack, will lighten...….if you'll let it. I hope you follow what I mean. I can see you enjoying life, and doing things with your kids that are so freeing from the current situation.

(((hugs)))

[Dtrmned]

Thank you Sandi!
it is amazing to have the support from everyone on this board.
i truly would love to save my MR into a greater MR 2.0.
At this moment, I do not believe that is possible.
As far as if it is possible for the future, i am unsure. I just know that I am `done and i need to move this forward.
I do see myself and my kids enjoying life, being spontaneous and allowing ourselves to enjoy ourselves in the future.

Crazy, but I can see it!

I would love for some outside crazy idea to hold out hope, but I just don't see it. My W has to experience the roller coaster of life with the regular twists and turns of life before she can ever have any reason to see what kind of i have live to provide for her and the kids. I wasn't easy, but I made it happen.

How long will it take her to realize? No one knows. It could take a couple of weeks, many years, or that she is just fine without "us" and onto her new life...

[Dtrmned]

Struggling a bit yesterday and today.
It is difficult when other issues creep in. It is even worse when those issues are so important that it seems the MR is the LEAST. My D is struggling big time in school, socializing, depression, just everything. Throw that along with having a ringside seat watching their parents marriage fall apart. I wish my W and I could pull together and help our daughter. She sees it more of a way to exclude me again and not have me involved. This is very serious. And we briefly spoke about it yesterday, then last evening discovered that she lied directly to my face about the entire situation. How can I parent when I don't know what is happening? She is my daughter. She is OUR daughter. I know my W currently despises me and wants nothing to do with me. This isn't about our MR, us, me or anything other than our daughter.

Couldn't sleep. Laid in bed just thinking about the other times when bad things happened and we were supportive of each other. Just another thing gone on the road of life I guess.

My head tells me that I have to do everything I can to stay involved regardless of how my W acts, says or feels. My heart just wants my daughter to find a stable path and thrive in this world for her.

There are a couple of hours before everyone gets rolling around here, so some input would be great on this.

I know it has absolutely nothing to do with my MR, but most of us on here have children and have to deal with this. My W and I are at such a bad bad place that other than me inserting myself into the situation and making sure I'm communicated with, I would just be ignored and pacified.

Help please. I am there for my daughter forever!

[Dtrmned]

little bump for some input please...

[SteveLW]

My input? Cut out the middle man. As a parent you can go directly to the sources and get the real answer. If she won't coparent, then uniparent.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks Steve.
I am taking a more role as you suggested effective immediately.
I am so up and down the last 2 days. I am resigned to the fact that my W and I are done. My ONLY concern is my D's safety and security and to support her through this. Problem I have is that W doesn't want me involved. Keeps very important things from me. And, contrary to her words, it feels like she is putting her own viewpoints onto our D and having a huge negative influence upon her.

Just struggling with this. I want to sweep my D away, protect her and get her the help she needs. With this in mind, I keep getting thoughts in my head of just sweeping the whole family away so we could have a fresh start. I know it is unfathomable to even contemplate this, but the mind will bring in what it does.

These thoughts are not overwhelming as they used to be. I recognize them quicker and move on from them. I have decided not to dismiss them, but to experience them in my mind as part of this process of working through. Of course every parent wants to help and protect their child! Every parent would do what it takes to support their children. And I also believe, that for the most part, parents want both the mother and father involved (even if not in the same home) in their child's life.

Tough. Real problems on top of everything else.

No wonder my W wants out. I am realizing more and more on her selfishness. I know she will be there for our daughter, but it seems like the slightest inconvenience is SO frustrating for my W.

Of course she isn't having any fun in our home. She dislikes me. Blames me for a lot of things. All we have are kid conversations (mostly logistical or disciplinary) so no fun there, We do nothing social so no fun there. She blames a lot of her health issues on me (again a little selfishness as I don't have that kind of power). When we part, she will have to throw on the 100%(half the time) parenting role, add in a job, and the entire household to take care of. I hope her energy can get her through. I wish her all the happiness and hope that she will have a wonderful life. I hope that when I see her she looks great and is doing well. My wishes.

I do not think it will be that rosy nor that full of rainbows. Maybe since it has rained and been so cloudy in our lives for so long, just the newness will feel like rainbows for her.

As I said, my feelings this week are all over the place. Again, more controlled, but I feel the detachment growing stronger for both myself and my W.