Introduction

[arsh18]

TJT, I had the same in my sitch. His initial business trips after BD I behaved how I did before BD and he responded same way. He Would message me when he landed, I asked him (multiple times yikes) how his day was and everything else as if it would be before BD. 3 months post BD when things just kept getting worse he went on a trip and didnt tell me he landed or initiate any convo. I was completely NC for the few days he was away. Did this help me I dont know, we are close to D and my letting him just be has not shown any results for me so far. But I am taking advice here as a newbie, my original behavior is what got me here so my only hope is if I 180 and listen to what people say here, it should be better than what it would be otherwise. To put it simply just act as if you are already S or D, behave how it would be at that point in time until you actually detach. That does not mean you will be mean but just that you are minding your own life and not worrying about his.
- Arshi

[TJT]

Thanks for the continued words of wisdom everyone. I will respond more specifically later but I am taking a moment while I’m at dinner tonight to write because I’m having a harder time than I thought I would.

I’m typically totally fine in these trips alone but that’s probably bc I know I can text him everything I’m doing, pictures of where I’m at, etc. It’s so hard being alone and really FEELING it. He has texted me a few times and I’ve been nice, but short and once he said “hope you enjoy yourself” which I can tell was genuine but that’s part of what bothers me... enjoy YOURSELF, as if to say “hope you’re moving on”.

I don’t WANT to just enjoy myself. I get the value of being able to, but I hate the prospect of there not being anything waiting for me when I come back. Nobody to share inside comments with as I would normally do while I’m gone. If I can get through dinner right now without busting out crying, it will be an achievement.

He does continue to text me things about his day on his own.

[artista]

He has texted me a few times and I’ve been nice, but short and once he said “hope you enjoy yourself” which I can tell was genuine but that’s part of what bothers me... enjoy YOURSELF, as if to say “hope you’re moving on”.
.

that is likely the case as far as where he is right now... you are focusing way too much on him... don't care that he said he hopes you enjoy yourself... don't care if he actually said, "hope you're moving on..."

don't be the typical LBS who finally detaches and GAL once it's too late to save the M... do this with everything in you to give your M its best chance... use these few days to "practice" detaching... don't let this golden opportunity go to waste... you have to be apart, so why not make it count?

bust out crying if you must... just don't do it in front of him...

[TJT]

Thanks Artista. I simply responded to his text with “Thanks”. He doesn’t know everything that’s going on in my head.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[TJT]

Welllllllll helllo everyone.

It's been an eventful few months, to say the least. I stopped posting because I was getting so overwhelmed, I had to get out of my own head. Writing is amazing for me and I was even journaling some on my own but I had to just stop and keep "moving" whether physically or mentally, just to survive I felt like!

I'll try to summarize what's happened but obviously, it's going to be long given my hiatus.

The TL:DR = I did find out my husband had a PA. He is now completely moved, out for 3 weeks now. We barely communicate (only text and great majority of time has been NC). Papers still have not been filed, yet he is not alluding to being confused or caring for me or anything.
-----------
The full version:

After returning from the business trip mentioned above, a loooot of stuff was not right at the house. I smelled perfume in various places - at our kitchen counter, a pillow on the bed, and if all that isn't the worst - the bathtub. He had all the fans on level 11. There was an air freshener in the bedroom (the one he never sleeps in). I could go on.

I didn't say anything about what I was sure of at that point. I know I didn't have enough proof and I'd just get denial. Better to play dumb so I could get more evidence rather than tip him off.

Meanwhile, I went shopping. Bought all new pillows, sheets, comforter, duvet cover. Bought new underwear. It's so weird, what it does to you knowing that your SO has cheated on you, in your very own brand new home to boot. I had weird feelings about myself that were and sometimes still are confusing because of the doubt that's been put in my head. And I am now more convinced that all the "grievances" he had about me that I couldn't make sense of (while I'm not denying the areas I still know I need to improve) were just excuses for what he was doing behind my back, and a great explanation for why, despite the things I DID feel like I was trying to do to engage with him, I just kept getting pushed away.

I didn't want to believe it despite all of my actions above. Part of me kept putting doubts in my head that maybe nothing really happened. But of course it ate at me and ate at me to where I was snooping when I could. Glad I did.

One evening when H was in the shower I decided to look in his wallet. I 200% didn't expect to find anything. He hardly keeps anything in his wallet. Welp, out comes a victoria's secret credit card with the name of another woman (if 22 counts as a woman - she's closer in age to his son than to him). I walked into the shower, told him I needed to talk to him after he got done, and sat on the couch and waited.

He sat down, and I didn't tell him I found the card right away. That was my trump card. I just told him I knew he'd been lying to me, that I knew someone had been in the house while I was gone and he needed to talk. Of course he acts dumb like, "What do you want me to say?" I said he needed to tell me exactly what happened.

First words out of his mouth were, "First of all, we're getting a divorce." Interesting, given even AS WE SPEAK he has (still) not filed. It's been since May that he first swore he wanted a divorce.

He proceeds to tell me he did have someone over, that it was awkward for both of them, he has regrets, etc. But not in a "please forgive me way". He definitely still acted like "it is what it is". I ask him directly if they had sex or were in the bedroom at all. He says no. I didn't believe him. I then tell him I know it was so and so and that I also found the CC in his wallet, so how does he explain that? Apparently - and you all will have to choice but to laugh at this - she was having a hard time with money so he agreed to keep her CCs so she wouldn't spend on them. Come on, man.

I didn't even know what to do at that point and there was no ultimate climax to the conversation. I was still processing. But H was staying upstairs at this point now and I proceeded to go on FB and message the girl AND her boyfriend (yep). It wasn't with any intention of being ugly and I wasn't going to let myself stoop to anyone's level - but I simply laid out that while yes we have had our problems, no papers had been filed and she should probably stay out of it until things are really done. (She didn't respond). To her BF, I simply let him know that his GF had been at my home with a married man snuck in past our driveway cameras and all kinds of lunacy.

Well, he ended up saying he knew a friend of hers they (my H and this girl) work with and she might tell him more. Well, that sort of backfired because this girl of course decided to try to take the fall and they all must have gotten together like a bunch of high schoolers (I guess they practically are, except my almost 40 YO H) to get a story together - because next thing I know, H came downstairs, didn't say anything but got very dramatic grabbing clothes from the closet and stuffing into bags. So of course I realize he must have found out I messaged them.

What happened next is one of many parts of this I will never forget because of the absolute delusion I recognized in him. I go into the closet and ask what's going on. He says, "don't act stupid." I said no, I know you know I messaged them but what's the problem? He tells me that I CROSSED A LINE and I didn't have to bring innocent people into this. This is where my mind did not compute. I stared blankly. I couldn't even be mad.

He then said that it wasn't just this one girl, it was her and a friend who just came over for dinner, after which I questioned why he didn't think that would be important to tell me to begin with (and what had he exactly meant then by having regrets and it being "awkward" for "both" of them?) Again, I knew he was lying, but I was surprisingly level-headed during this whole exchange because of how I so clearly recognized the full on mega denial and justifying going on to make himself feel better. (Later I talked again with this girl's BF and he confirmed he got the exact same story to the letter).

I said directly to H that he was not going to make ME feel bad about this. He took a bunch of stuff and slept at work that night (I know he didn't go to her house because she was still living with her BF at this point).

Anyway, the next day he came home and I tell him I would appreciate if he kept everyone else out of this until it was over. I asked if he returned the CCs to her (apparently he also had her bank card, which he very well may have but I had stopped looking once I found all the evidence I needed). He then said he APOLOGIZED to them, with a straight face to me, again as if he has no freaking clue on this earth how this all sounds from him to me.

I think a week or two went by. He was staying at a friend's house, but on the weeks he had his son they'd come back home because there wasn't a room for his son at his friend's (convenient much?). I then get an anonymous message from FB one morning saying I am being lied to and made a fool of and he has been seeing this girl for months, blah blah blah. Of course at first I was skeptical - it was an anonymous message after all and you know how it is with affairs, we keep having to discover it over and over again - but there was enough info about a bath that I KNEW was accurate, because H had done the SAME thing when he was courting me (trying to count the stab wounds at this point).

I text him, ask if he's aware of the message, he says he is not. I ask for him to call. He says he wants to know what's going on. I just say "me too". When we finally speak, I tell him I know he hasn't told me the full truth, that I AM being made a fool of and at this point he just needs to be completely honest with me. He said he would call me later since he was at work, or when he got home. I didn't get any other call during the day and I knew he was probably once again trying to get a collaborative story going behind the scenes. Looking back I wish I hadn't given him the time in between to do this, because the "truth" I ended up discovering I feel is still limited given he had time to talk to her in between again.Not surprisingly, minutes before H got home that evening I get a text from this girl's BF saying she just came home and "confessed". What I got from my H sounded very similar to what she said.

Which was - yes, he had sex with her. Yes, in the bed I sleep in that he doesn't (despite there being a guest room, there was no decency WHATSOEVER to this). Yes, the bath happened, in MY bathtub, despite him knowing how much I love baths, and oh, by the way, this is our NEW house that I dreamed of being a family with HIM in, and that I've been trying to refinance the past few months since I'M getting stuck with it given we can't sell without owing and he can't afford it on his own. Talk about being trapped in a prison he's created.

He denied the length of the affair and that they had been seeing each other frequently. However, I have talked to the OW's (now ex) boyfriend a lot more since all of this happened, and our stories about each of them disengaging from us and their behaviors aligned very well, to where I do feel like at least the past 6 months, if not perhaps almost a year, have been a lie.

But what hurts me the most about all of this is that he still, absolutely, 100%, does not seem to feel remorse. Sure, he got a little teary eyed at times. But he basically threw a pity party on me saying yes I deserve better, yes he's a piece of [censored], etc. etc. It's like he just didn't want to be the one to make the final call to leave even though obviously that's what he wants. This is the most confusing part, too. At the end he even asked "so what do you want to do going forward?" Looking back I wished I would have said, "What do YOU want to do, because it seems obvious to me!" Instead I did what I had already planned for and told him I don't want him here at the house at all anymore, that I didn't want a divorce and he could stay if he wanted to work on our marriage, but if not, he had to go.

He left the next day and only came back the following weekend with his dad, son, and a trailer. He packed up the rest of the stuff we agreed he could have, handed over the keys. He gave me a hug right before we left and I basically was falling apart at this point, but while I was starting to cry, I kept composure. It lasted a few seconds and he said, "I better go." I told him I loved him, he gave me a weird look (I can't describe it, it was again almost like a pity look) and silently walked to the truck and drove away.

This was the worst day of ever but I did feel a little better knowing that the "up and down" feeling of him coming to the house and then leaving again every other week would be over. But, I was very curious to see what would happen beyond that. I desperately hoped that after a while he would realize the mistake, but also became very very aware of how easy he seemed to be just walking away. Like, if packing up all your (and your son's) stuff from the brand new house we dreamed about and built together - and walking away from your wife - doesn't hit you, then crap, maybe he really is a zombie.

We didn't text much. He asked a few questions about things like health insurance and when they'd be kicked off, to which I told him I can't do anything without a divorce decree. I asked when he was going to file - he said "soon".

I don't know if he's still seeing OW. I know most people would say he has to be, but of course I have no way of knowing now and it would just be so illogical. Financially they are both in a bad place. And also did I mention she's 22? Her ex BF asked me if it was about money, him trying to figure out what the reasoning behind all this is as well, and I said pretty sure it's not, because he (her ex) makes more than H. MLC makes sense but I think okay, there's no way this is going to be a long-term thing with his son and everything involved. But then I realize all the crazy crap that's happened up to this point and believe anything is possible.

So it's been 3 weeks I would say now since he fully moved out. He hasn't filed and despite a few texts early on about stopping by to pick up some mail (which, btw, includes a "discreet" mail order of ED drugs as he had been having problems with that too) he hasn't come by or acted like he cares about really keeping an appointment with me for those items. I DID also ask if he could start giving me his portion of the car insurance bill, given that we are still combined and again, I can't remove him until there's a divorce. He said he would and could do it by PayPal but I haven't seen that yet either. For the most part, we have been NC for the majority of these 3 weeks. Aside from being flaky on those minor items, he doesn't seem to be playing any games with me or having any second thoughts.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH THIS PERSON?! He doesn't seem remorseful, rather that he really doesn't want to be with me but needs to feel better about it by villainizing himself, since he knows I still want to work on things and I think he would prefer instead if I was just mad and told him I want the divorce. But at this point, given he's moved out and there's nothing really serious for us to even engage on, I really don't get why he wouldn't just do it himself if it's what HE really wants! Is it possible for someone to be so much of a coward that even after doing everything else on earth to distance themselves from you they still would't file??

I am going to IC and she asks me if I want him to file. I say no, so she tells me to not bring it up to him. But now here I am in this ultimate limbo stage where H doesn't want to work on things but we're not living together or even talking. And financially, I don't know WHAT he's up to. So while I don't want to file, I feel I will need to file sooner rather than later whether I'm ready or not just to protect myself in case he's deciding to go run up a bunch of debt with OW or something! Plus the fact that I am still paying for health and car insurance for all of us and getting no financial contribution from him for the past month.

I can't tell if maybe he's not filing because he has doubts and there might be hope (or even if he doesn't have doubts, if I should be happy that I have been given that gift of time to where maybe he'll come around) or if there's actually no good reason he hasn't filed from an emotional standpoint and I should just get on with it on his behalf so I don't have to sit here waiting forever.

As an interesting side note, H's former W before me was the one who filed - a good year plus after the separation date per the paperwork - despite the story he told me about it being his choice to leave their marriage. I thought that was a completely different situation and person, but now I'm not so sure and I'm wondering if this is just the same cycle he's going through with me, thinking at some point I'll get over him if he waits long enough and then do it for him. I don't think he's staying married to me while separated for financial gain - yes I'm paying a few things, but they are so minor that I don't think he'd find it valuable enough to not divorce over, if that's what he wanted.

So I'm really struggling with what to do next. I absolutely want to wait wait wait and hope he snaps out of whatever wonderland he's in right now, BUT I have never, ever seen someone flip a switch like this, act like they are so done with absolutely no emotion or second thought whatsoever, and yet still not file for divorce. And I don't want to waste my own time or risk finances, but I just don't think I'll be able to sit right with myself if I file without truly WANTING to deep in my heart. And I also do not want him to feel justified in all this if I file, as if it's something I asked for.

Separately, I can't BELIEVE that after the hurt he has put me through, given the multiple levels of betrayal that have happened, I still want to be with this man. I mean, I clearly fully committed to him through good or the bad, and apparently I don't have that magic switch to turn off my feelings. It's just amazing how much different it is when it's YOU in the situation vs. the third party looking in where you envision yourself setting everything on fire and leaving without looking back, hah!

I do love him, I do want him to be happy and I've read in the other threads about letting him go to be happy how he wants to be, and I feel like I've been doing that little by little (even if not in my head, because of course I still feel like he's not living in reality and we really can be happy, together!) I don't text him anymore just to try to be nice and ask how his day is in the hopes he will see me as a loving positive wife; I don't email him love letters; I have just been silent. And while I'm doing okay, it's the hardest thing I've ever endured in my life and I desperately want it all to end, for him to come back, for us to devote everything we have to a new, rebirthed version of our marriage and know that we will survive anything together, Beyonce and Jay Z style. I don't want this to be how the story ends for either of us.

I thought he was a family man. He was the last person on earth I thought would do something like this, let alone to the degree it's happened and with such little respect and regard for me as a human, if not as a wife. I know too I'm supposed to earn his respect back, but like I say ... I'm truthfully confused now what this man finds valuable at all. If nothing else, it truly is forcing me to live life without him in it, but I've never doubted that I am able to do that. I just really, really, really don't want to, and I do feel like something is wrong with ME that he doesn't want me anymore. Knowing how in love with me he once was to how it is now, I can't wrap my mind around it.

I'll stop for tonight, for crying out loud. I wonder if anyone even reads single posts this long!!

[SteveLW]

I read your post. Every word.

First thing that popped out to me was "she never finished reading the book". Maybe I am wrong about that but your actions after finding out for sure there was a PA certainly didn't line up with the book.

For instance, contacting OW. This almost always does nothing positive. And it didn't do anything positive in your case either. You made the classic mistake of thinking that you could control him by confronting her. NEVER happens. I've seen and read dozens of sitches with PAs and never have I seen the PA stopped by the LBS going to the OP. Not once.

Second, why are LBSs so hung up on the WAS being remorseful? I see this over and over again. It is almost as if it is okay that he goes around sleeping with whomever he wants as long as he is sorry about it afterward? Or it would make it okay that they WAS destroyed our family, wrecked our children, destroyed someone else's life (the OW's BF) as long as he comes to me and expresses how sorry he is later. Do you see how crazy that sounds? It sounds as crazy as some of the things you point out above that he has said.

I understand that you can't change the health insurance without a change of life status. But the car insurance? You are mistaken I believe. I think you can call and remove him from that anytime you want. Did you just assume you can't or did you actually check into it?

Finally, you ask a lot of questions about why he hasn't filed, though he doesn't want to be with me and presuming he is still having his fun with the 22 yo hussy. That is easy, and you answered it yourself:

Him: "How long before we are off your health insurance?"
You: "I can't remove you until there is a D decree."

Not think about this from his perspective. Oh, if I D her then I lose my health insurace. Yeah, I should run right out and file! LOL Cake eating all the way. Open enrollment is coming soon (usually the end of the year). Drop him from your health insurance like a bad habit! You don't need a D decree to drop him during open enrollment.

Also, he has no incentive to move forward with D because you are still his plan B. All of what you said above. The hugging him goodbye, the telling him you love him. The losing your composure as he moved out. All of that is a huge shining neon sign over your head that tells him "YOU CAN STILL HAVE HER ANYTIME YOU WANT HER!" The exact WRONG message to send. That is what detachment is about. It tells the WAS "I am moving on, with or without you." You've not shown him that at all! Oh I know you told him you didn't want him there if he wasn't working on the marriage, but guess what? Your ACTIONS have shown him otherwise. He knows you'd kill to have him back in the house. He isn't seeing you move on at all. Trust me, read other people's sitches, what you do or don't do gets back to him. This is why GAL is sooooooooooo important.

Go out and do new things. Do all the things you've always wanted to do! Skydive! Bungee jump! Take up archery. ANYTHING that shows him you are not going to work, coming home, and sitting there waiting for him to come back home.

Finally, yes you are limbo. As in 95% of WAS sitches, the LBS is the one that ends up having to file. You said that was the case in his first marriage. (By the way, it might be helpful for you to share more about that. When did he leave his W, when was their D final. When did you come into the picture? If you weren't there before all of that was there someone else that was?) And guess what, this turd of a spineless worm isn't ever going to do the right thing and do the dirty work of ending your marriage. The only time he will is IF and WHEN he wants to marry this 22 yo airhead. Or the next Plan A that comes along. Bottom line, he has no incentive right now to cut lose his plan B. So give him a shove, starting with dropping him from the insurance as soon as you can. GAL like a madwoman. Detaching so that you aren't so on the hook, counting the time between communication.

Essentially, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and take control of your life!

[SteveLW]

P.S. I sure which my W was like so many of you LBSs! So attached that I could get away with anything. If she went out of town and I had a 22 yo chick over, even just for dinner, she'd kick my butt to the curb faster than you could say "file for D". It must be nice to be your H and be teflon.

[TJT]

Thanks Steve!!

I am guilty - haven't finished book. That is next priority on my list. As I said, I took a bit of a "break" from everything DB to try and keep myself sane as I dealt with the initial shock.

I definitely knew contacting OW wouldn't stop him from doing anything from her. Even though I know I said it would be a good idea if she stayed out of it, I actually honestly didn't expect that. For me, it was more just to let her know I knew, and just in case he was telling her anything different about our sitch (like claiming we're in the middle of divorce when he hasn't filed, for instance..). I know it doesn't change her or him or anything, that's one thing I'm very clear on.

I think the remorse part is coming in because yeah, I absolutely want validation from him that our relationship was something he values and that whatever he's doing was a mistake due to whatever he's dealing with personally. There's been a ton of investment in this for me to where just because something is broken doesn't mean I wouldn't want to try to work on it.

Please note, this does NOT mean he would just be able to come walking back in and everything would be back to normal as long as he gives a good "excuse". As much as I want him back, I would absolutely require him to take good, hard look at what we need to work on both individually and together, and it would be a LOT of work to rebuild trust and connection and all of that. But ultimately, if he wanted to do it and shared authentically what may have led him to do this to begin with (being depressed or MLC issues or whatever it is, which I do really think is part of the issue here), I would like to think of myself as a truly committed and supportive wife rather than someone who would just say "great, I forgive you but I'm not going to be committed to you anymore." Unless in all cases like this it's never truly just a "mistake" and we should all give up as soon as these things happen? I get part of your point but not all here, and I want to be sure to emphasize that it would not just be "I'm sorry" to make things right again.

I did check the auto insurance, twice. They keep telling me they can separate the accounts and billing but because we're still married, my name would still be attached to his. Meaning if he doesn't pay, it could still impact my credit or I could be held responsible. I thought this was weird too but that's what they told me, twice. Not sure if it has to do with state laws (TX is a community property state). But I'd rather make sure it's getting paid if that's the case.

In terms of the cake eating, I did think about that but he was still acting like this before he knew he wouldn't be dropped from insurance. Also, this is where my therapist comes into play because I told her I didn't want to get upset at him leaving and I felt stupid about how I was acting, but she essentially told me that as long as I don't have an expectation that it will change anything, not to be hard on myself because it's just my way of saying goodbye or whatever. That did make me feel better about it but I see how that's more moving towards acceptance of the status quo rather than trying to DB. Mentally that's just a hard balance to keep.

Ever since him moving out though, I feel I've been doing pretty good GALing and not falling back to try to engage with him on anything, except for those very intermittent, practical things like asking if he'll give me his portion of money for the insurance.

For his prior divorce, I do remember him telling me about it as we were initially getting together, and I did look up the records to confirm it was in process. We also had worked together at one point and other coworkers did corroborate his characterization of the ex and the issues they had (her being bipolar or something like that). But in any case, there was a time when we were "seeing" each other (it was not hot and heavy like it seems to be with his gal pal now because I guess I have a bit more dignity) where his prior divorce was not final. That being said, it just occurred to me this morning that actually there did seem to be another person he was with before me, after separating from his wife but I presume before the filing occurred giving the timeline...so yeah.

I'm totally on board with this probably being his default behavior and cycle... which does make me feel really stupid and duped for the past 10 years but it's just so hard to understand how you can feel like you have a "normal" relationship for that period of time just for someone to pull the rug out one day and show you that actually no, it wasn't anything different. My ability to trust other people, because of my apparent lack of ability to see whatever signs I missed here, or I guess perhaps the lack of impact my commitment has despite the signs, is a huge struggle.

I think I'm just trying to protect myself from being too traumatized by the realization that someone I think is a good person deep down may really not be, and that there's a more logical explanation. I don't want this to taint my view of the world forever and it has really scared me, to be honest! I feel like even after all this is done, I won't want to ever date again, and I know that's kind of common but it's the strangest, most vulnerable feeling.

I'll try again with the insurance and open enrollment has come for us but that's another thing that I'm pretty sure when I called earlier I was told I could not do without a decree or without some other proof that he has alternate insurance. I believe this is related to laws to prevent people from "surprising" someone else and suddenly dropping them without legal reason. But will do everything I can to confirm because I do agree and want to get that sorted!

Aside from those items... do I then just continue with no contact and GALing.... until (if/when) it seems either it's working, or that that's not working and has gone on too long that I decide fully that I do want the divorce? Is that pretty much the fork in the road that everyone comes to at this point?

Re: the teflon comment - trust me, I had envisioned all of the things I would do if I ever were put in a situation like this, before it happened. It's really weird how in the moment it's different, based on the shock and hurt and questions you have and everything else. Like I said, it's a lot of trying to make sense of a situation that I do know I may never get answers to or fully understand. But I am trying not to be hard on myself for not reacting "correctly" because man is it the worst, most confusing feeling, and given the other lies that happened leading up to it I just felt like I was in the matrix for a while. However, I do understand the logic of how to react now, and will be doing my best to follow that path (and finish the book..)

[SteveLW]

So for the car insurance, just get new policies with another carrier, then drop the current carrier. People do it all the time. They told you that because they want to get paid, and they know he probably won't pay.

A lot of what you said makes sense, but I think you would have been in such better place if you had kept DBing, kept reading the book, kept posting here, getting advice along the way. We could have kept you potentially from contacts the OW. We could have helped you through the move, etc. Water under the bridge.

One thing about DBing is that you forget yesterday and move forward today! So start DBing now. And yes, most LBS have to come to the decision to remain in limbo, or to file. General rule is give it a year from the original BD. Most of the time you can then move forward with filing for D with a clean conscience that you gave him plenty of time to "come to himself". But this turd of a coward probably will be unwilling to do the actual filing, and moving the D along. That will more than likely fall to you if it comes to that.

Keep posting! WE are here to help and support!