-Grow a pair and start taking some risks in regards to W. There are a LOT of good small signs she is showing. It's not "I want you back". Far from it. W offers the house to me in exchange for her being out of it. I keep hoping she will stay while I'm there, but that is wishful thinking at this point. Slow and steady, right?
- DO NOT PURSUE.
- Learn to enjoy the small positives. As I stated before, W is showing A LOT of small positives.
- Learn how to handle "no". If I can handle being turned down from hanging out with W (asking her on a friend hangout, etc.), that is another good sign and further complicates WAW's thinking process. WAW thinks "This is what I always wanted from H!" but that conflicts with "But H always has done that previously! Which is the real H???" W is fighting and testing me. So far, it seems that I'm passing all of her tests.
- Learn what her favorite button to push is and work on busting that.
- Tell myself:
" I like who I am becoming." " I am learning so much of who I am." " Let W believe what she wants to believe."
- If W accuses me of manipulating her to get back into the marriage, how should I respond? I need to prepare for if/when she drops this question.
MC session:
I cried quite a bit. I expressed at my lack of physical touch, my desire of intimacy, and my fear of being alone again for the next 17 years. I expressed to MC that before I met W, I had a pretty good job and other good things but lacked love. Then I met W and had a great 8 years (and 2 leading to BD) and I had an awful job. Expressed fear and sadness that it will always be one or the other. MC said that is horseshit.
-Think positively. I am still in a fog that I'm coming out of. I need to be clear in my mind and heart. Once it's clear, look back and see what the cause of my M was and how I contributed to it.
-W has her own process of seeking clarification. She needs to put in her own work to see and obtain said clarity.
-Tell myself "I will not be stuck on sadness and loneliness forever." (This is incredibly hard to believe right now. I am tearing up as I type this. I don't want to feel hopeless but I am.).
- Let my sadness have its way and run its course. Let it get recognized and do not try to suppress it. Allow me to shed tears over this (I am, trust me.)
- This is not loneliness I am feeling. This is sadness and grief and loss.
- Life always gives new and more opportunities. (When? How much more should I allow myself to take? Any shortcuts is not a good solution, drugs, alcohol, prostitution, all bad.)
THIS IS A VALUABLE LEARNING EXPERIENCE (Truer words have never been said.)
My thoughts:
I had a good six weeks. I did not have an emotional breakdown. I was not sad. I kept it together and had numerous great experiences.
I remember clearly what the trigger to my sadness was. I was in the restaurant with D4 having breakfast yesterday. As we were finishing up, I locked eyes on a gorgeous server. We locked eyes briefly and she went about her business. There were a few other times we glanced at each other before I left the restaurant. After I left, my mind said "Yeah right. Keep dreaming. Don't forget who you are. It took you 17 years to get ONE person and you think that you'll get someone like her? GTFO of here. She's taken, not your type, and so on. Dream on, creep."
I pressed on. Spent some great time with D4. Got gifts for her, W, and myself. Had a long and very quiet and lonely drive home. W called finally that evening asking for my whereabouts. I said I'll be home in an hour. 20 minutes later she texted me she was running an errand and was going to be late. Whatever. I drove home, made D4 take a bath, put on a show for her, and then unpacked. W came an hour later. As soon as she came in, I went to the shower, turned it on, and sat and cried for a good 10 minutes. Got out of the shower and saw W was crying as well. Made small chit-chat and we retreated to bed. I turned on my fan to drown out noise, prayed and asked the higher power for forgiveness, a relief from this pain, and another chance to find true love again.
Trying to confirm plans for a photoshoot with W and D4. Planning on next weekend when it's a little cloudy. Expecting nothing but have not been shot down yet.
And, at the suggestion of my DB coach, I asked W to hang out next week during the workweek for 10-15 minutes. Her defenses immediately went up and asked about my intent. I said "just hang out", implying that this is not a date or an attempt at romance. Felt good about it. Instinctively I did not want her to ask what hang out it was, but I also know from a rebuild perspective I have to take it slow and her defenses have to be slowly (very slowly) lowered.
It's been 12 weeks since we have truly separated (physically). I do not know what the average time for a true separation is, but this getting really exhausting. It's getting colder and GAL is becoming a little more difficult.
This is really starting to hurt again. I have GAL plans tonight, but I'm having to fight through this painful stretch. What else can I do? Am I still on the right track or am I BSing myself? I know that I need to be patient, but this grief and sadness just will not go away.
I may have screwed up, but there was no angry/negative reaction from W. Here is what happened:
- Asked if I can stay the night at our house (I'm out usually M, T, W) since I will have to drive past our house to stay at a place while I"m out, she says that she is having friends over and that she prefers not to. She did offer to cancel and I told her not to and that I will figure something out.
At this point, my emotional neediness got the best of me and I asked her a hypothetical question. I asked her if she was having friends over and I forgot to pick something up I can come by and grab it, whether she has friends over or not, or would I need to inform her. She flipped the question to me and asked me how I would feel. I answered that I would not mind at all. I then went further that I would talk to her if I had a date coming over. She asked if I actually needed something from the house or if it was a hypothetical question. I answered that it was a hypothetical question and told her that I was taken off balance by her asking me to not show up tonight. Told her that I respected her boundaries and that I have a backup plan tonight.
I hate to beg, but I would really like some input here. I feel like the last few days I have been getting the advice of "be patient", which is helpful and I'm still employing, but as you can tell, I am starting to get desperate.
Please help.
Edit: I know that I cannot and should not trust her with who she has over. As painful as that is for me to think that others may be involved, there is nothing I can do about her thinking.
I'm just begging for relief from this pain at this point.
Releasing your emotions is healthy. Just not in front of W during this phase of the relationship. Do it as needed. I always feel better after a good cry. Anger is another good emotion to let out. Screaming in the car helps.
Our minds play tricks on us all the time. Get out of your head.
I was originally going to the city to attend a class on sex. But I think the lack of physical intimacy and my emotional state is causing me to reconsider. So I know that after work I am going to lift tonight and pray. After that, I do not know. All of my friends are W's friends (she told me that her best friend is worried about me and wants to check in...I declined.) so I cannot hang out with them.
I may just go to the city tonight and find something at this point. I'm desperate.
I was originally going to the city to attend a class on sex. But I think the lack of physical intimacy and my emotional state is causing me to reconsider.
Good idea for the future, but yes timing is wrong.
So I know that after work I am going to lift tonight and pray.
After that, give yourself permission to take a break. any R thoughts start to take over , tell yourself "I will deal with that tomorrow".
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After that... I may just go to the city tonight and find something at this point.
Sounds like a great idea. During my sitch, I would go get dinner alone. Enjoy taking to the staff. I would go to live music alone. Enjoy interacting with people.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am definitely doing that. But as my MC said...I am putting a lot of equity in the good signs W is showing me. That being said, I am also potentially setting myself for quite the fall if lose this gamble. But I feel like I need to take that risk. I need to build my confidence and my assertiveness. I cannot stop growing. I cannot recede.
