Whirlwind of Hurt 3

[Twofeet]

Previously on Whirlwind of Hurt 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2814856&page=11

[Twofeet]

Previously on Whirlwind of Hurt 2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2814856&page=11
Summary:

Wife was talking about separation 1 week before BD. We talked about seeing IC then MC first. Wife saw IC 1 time and claims IC okayed D. Told everyone in her family and her coworkers before she BD me. She had a lawyer and real estate agent. Labor day weekend wife BD me over the phone. I did everything wrong which pushed her away. Got her to calm down and we decided to find a mediator. Found DB/DR and started working on it. I started with IC. I found wife was having an EA with Male coworker. Upon confrontation wife denies and doesn't care as she sees the marriage as over. I kick her out of MBR, but can't get her to leave house. Wife starts using same IC. Wife is moving fast and hard to make this happen as is typical of her demeanor. She is in the fog and living a fantasy. She was looking at buying houses at least as expensive as the one we own and looking at buying a new car for her new exciting life post D. She found a house and put an offer on it. She told the mediator she is ready to file. I will end up with our current home. I dont want the D, but she is showing no signs of stopping. I need to stop loss this in order to protect my children and my ability to provide, which means stepping aside and letting go. I DB the best I can and she has opened up here and there. I work at staying off her emotional rollercoaster, and I am getting tired of all her lies and manipulation. I am doing better and better every day. IC has helped me improve a lot. There is a purpose to all this even if it's hard to see.

My mantras from the DB forums.
Be the lighthouse.
It's a marathon not a sprint.

[Ready2Change]

There is a purpose to all this even if it's hard to see.

Yes.

All I can say is it was the best worst thing that happened to me.

Just let go of the outcome. Keep doing your best. Always do the right thing.


Stay confident. Show your kids how to face adversity in its face.

You can handle it.

[Twofeet]

Almost every night I have very vivid dreams of the wife and I. Most are good dreams, were we are doing married things. Such spending time together doing daily things, taking care of kids, going out together. Occasionally they are bad and are different versions of BD, D, or her doing hurtful things. However, as I said most are good. So this morning, and some mornings when this happens, I wake up and I am emotionally out of sorts. Almost kind of physically off. Feeling vulnerable, heartbroken, and sad. I will get back to feeling normal after a bit in the morning as these emotions will pass. I am assuming this is all apart of the grieving process as I am clearly not done grieving. Anyone have similar experiences?

[lost8]

Yes I absolutely have same feelings and I am 5 months in. I found out about A and immediately pursued and forced a good month of my WW hardcore waywardness, never home, with OM etc. I couldn't sleep for a month, lost 30 pounds, always had images in my head but mine were not good, filed for D, withdrew petition 2 weeks later, thought I was R for a month, then set my own room in marital home. You are much earlier on than me but it has truly been a rollercoaster ride and it has taken me a few months to stabilize and start dbing FT.

We talked about mediation in May and WW never followed through, I think she had time to think what was best for her and the cake eating plan which I need to to stop falling in to. Every time she pulls me in then dumps me again it pushes me further away, which still hurts but makes me see the amount of work it would take if an R were to ever be possible or whether I would even want it at this point.

All I can say is this s***s bad, I wish WW had moved out or had agree to D early on because the limbo is the worst, however everyone says the time is a gift and use it. I have had time to make changes and have made some but I have a long way to go overcoming NGS, codependency and preparing for what life will be like starting over. It is scary, but listening to others I look forward to when I can put this behind me and look forward to my life without the pain of a WW, the lying, the deceit, the limbo and an opportunity to be happy again.

You are a lot younger than me and time does heal most things I believe but we must not dwell on what was because that will never change and your own mind will make you crazy.

[burned]

Yup the dreams are the worst. Night before the 6-month mark (yesterday) I dreamt that our dog died and W said, "She's gone." Which is something I have been saying to myself over and over (about W, not the dog). She's gone.

Have lost 40 pounds since BD. Took a couple of months before I could sleep through the night. But my sitch was dragged out due to my actions. Could have recovered more quickly if I had known about DB back in May.

The worst nights were the ones when I was so restless that I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. Like, waking up and falling back asleep over and over, when you wake up and you're still halfway in the dream and you don't know what's going on until like 5 minutes later when you're really awake.

Ugh. Makes me dizzy and sick to think about it. But those nights are getting fewer and farther between, thankfully.

One foot in front of the other...

[SteveLW]

Guys, I am nearly 7 months into R and piecing....and I still have dreams.

[Twofeet]

Well wife has been very nice today. Probably because all her D plans are coming to fruition. It would be nice if she could stay this way till the end, but I doubt it. Heck she even came outside as I was leaving to take the kids to school to say goodbye to me. It was was a little bit of her old self and that was nice. She called me at work today to ask about car titles. I told her hers will come in the mail (I not going to D with any debt). She wants me off her title so she can buy a new auto this year. I told her she needs to wait till D is finalized. As we talked about this I was thinking to myself whoa slow down there tiger, new house, new car, private school, child support. You make good money, but not that good. I didn't say anything though, she has to figure this out on her own now.
Went to IC today, it went well. My W and I share the same IC. IC told me that it was her prof. opinion that W was mentally unwell and I could have been the perfect husband and she thinks the result would have been the same. IC wants me to open up more and share my emotions with my W. IC said even if I tear up that's ok but try not to bawl. This would be more of a 180 for me compared to my past. I have working on this but IC wants me to double my efforts. IC fears that if I stay to stoic or too hard it will give W the impression that I want this or look forward to D. IC thinks this will give W more ammo for the blame game especially when things dont work out for W. Feels like this is a fine line I am walking with DB and dropping the rope. Care but don't care. I'm a bit mixed and need some advice.



Last note W wants to leave stuff and get a cash out so the house stays normal for the kids or so she says. IC says tell W that's not a valid argument. Kids don't care about stuff, just their parents.

[equalzr]

Do you want her to get a cash out or to take stuff?

Interesting that your ic said to show her emotions. Does she want yiu to show emotions as a last ditch effort or....?

Also, WW's are always nice when they want something.

[Twofeet]

Do you want her to get a cash out or to take stuff?

Interesting that your ic said to show her emotions. Does she want yiu to show emotions as a last ditch effort or....?

Also, WW's are always nice when they want something.

She wants to leave everything and take cash to start new... Its kind of part fog/fantasy part her m.o. she has always been about new things. I am not for it at all. She is already getting plenty of cash since I'm keeping the house. She can take some of the stuff we have I'm not buying her a new lifestyle if I don't have to. I need to have a safety net for the unexpected.

I don't think the IC intends to have me show emotions as last ditch. I am trying to improve myself and historically I have been so flat people would often say why are you so serious, or are you okay, cause you never smile. W always had a derogatory nickname for me (I don't feel like sharing here) based on how flat I couldbe. Anyway, IC counsels both of us and I think she knows it would take an act of God to change my W mind. However, clock is ticking so I have 30 days to be amoafwl. I will continue you this after D, but at that point she will the fool that has left. I haven't really expressed this here, maybe she can do better but I really doubt it. I am pretty confident in myself that's why I dont get too hung up on OM or any OM. Maybe the other or others will make more money than me but that's about it. Even then as long as I make enough to provide for my kids I am satisfied. I have a very cool, unique, and satisfying career. I'm in great shape and I make friends easily. I AM working on improving my spirituality, improving myself, and being an awesome parent. AMOAFWL