W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Good to hear your update. As many of have already commented, your update, like all of your posts, comes across as centered and in-control. You really have reached a good place. Things might not be perfect at work, your W might still be playing games, but there will always be those imperfections or noise to deal with and you are now coming at them from a position of strength.
I agree with you that the most important thing is protecting your kids and making sure that you don't falsely raise their hopes. Your plan of waiting to see if there is another invite seems fair, and if not getting to work on starting the D process seems like it is in order.
I hope your body starts cooperating so that you can get yourself back into the shape you want to be. Are you able to climb yet?
Thanks for sticking around here and helping out us newbies. Your perspective and hard-earned wisdom is invaluable.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Ovr: It's a username here because it means, A Man Only A Fool Would Leave. (Edit: someone already said that, apparently I needed to hit "refresh")
Maika: you are an inspiration. After a rough week, I read through some of your posts and I am starting to develop a new, better, more positive mindset. I hope that a year from now I can be where you are, at least in terms of the way I relate with myself. Best of luck to you as you continue to grow stronger -- into amoafwl.
Last edited by burned; 10/13/1806:49 PM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
It's good to hear your update. I wonder if your wife invited you over or started to change because she had been in another relationship that ended? Or she's lonely? Or perhaps she feels just a little sorry or guilty but not enough to come out and say it. It's good that you're not letting minor or indirect signals change your plan since obviously those aren't sufficient. I think the response you get from her when you tell her you're ready to file will reveal her feelings much more clearly.
"Look, I don't want this divorce, you do, and not having enough (whatever) is a consequence of your decision
I guess I'm understand your point without the context.
The rest of your post was marvelous. I really like your calm, thoughtful attitude.
When we were in mediation, and she would say something like "but that's not enough alimony for me to enjoy the same lifestyle I currently have!", my response was spoken calmly and compassionately, "I am offering what the state says is fair. Look, I don't want this divorce, you do. Not having enough money is a consequence of your decision."
"But after the children are emancipated, my alimony will go down, and I won't be able to pay my mortgage." "I'm offering what the state says is fair. Look, I don't want this divorce, you do. Not having enough money is a consequence of your decision."
"You're being so mean. I want more time with the kids." "Look, I don't want this divorce, you do. I want the kids to stay with me just as badly as you do. Not having as much time with the kids is a consequence of your decision."
"But where will I live?" "I don't know. That's for you to decide. I don't want this divorce, you do. Having to figure that out is a consequence of your decision."
Is that good, or do you need more context?
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Thanks everyone for the great feedback and being my personal cheerleaders. This community means so much to me and I am so happy to connect with all of you as we navigate this bonkers phase of our lives. Good news is that there is an end to it and we can learn to live our lives even better.
Nef - Love having you in my corner. Mad hugs and love to you and I hope that you are doing well. I am so moved by your comment about fatherhood. Dang! You making me cry for a change. I also never had a father and I intend to give my children every bit of me and make sure that they got me forever in their corner with immense love.
Ovr - I totally get what you're saying. My journey has felt very long and you can read all up on it if you'd like and have the time. My decision to move towards D has been hard fought and it comes from a position of strength rather than despair or using it as a tactic. I am super good with who I am and what my values are, and I know what I have to offer the world. I have no regrets about my journey and what I have done to save my MR. At some point you have to truly choose yourself, and I am there. Also, don't worry about threadjacking me. I welcome discussion on my thread.
Jim - thanks for sharing the similarities in our sitch's. Yeh, I am leaving that dinner as a pleasant interaction and keeping the course as I have been. There is nothing to be gained from having a talk right now. I will though if there's another invite because I value my kids wellbeing over what happens with me and W. I get you about achieving a clear conscience. I definitely have that. Last time I put it all on the line, which was exactly 12 months ago, she gave me a clear 'NO'. I am not a man that is going to bring it up again. I have my dignity and value and I will not be a second option for anyone. Also appreciate the info about the separation agreement. Will look into it. Love your statement about how you said things to your W about consequences of her actions.
J9 - brotha! You got it right. There is nothing to be gained and I just have to stay the course. I just moved and I finally feel like things are settling in and I am on much stable ground. It's all looking up from here.
Davide - thanks for your kind comments. If my experience can shed some insight for anyone here, I will be eternally grateful to have had the opportunity to do so. I am definitely more grounded mentally and emotionally. I have worked very had to achieve that balance and get centered. W can't shake me no more. I am still not completely healed physically and so haven't been climbing for a good six months now. I am hoping that I can start again by the end of the year. Need to do my PT exercises more diligently and get the show on the road. It's not been great to not being able to climb or workout, but I did gain a newfound love for long walks listening to podcasts and have time for self-reflection. I aim to keep that up. Hope you are doing well and I do keep an eye on your sitch to see how things are going. Stay strong and steady.
burned - thank you for the generous praise. I credit this community almost a 100% for my recovery process and it has helped me more than my talk therapy sessions. I hope that my journey can highlight that there is a much better place coming up ahead. Just put in the work - find where you need more personal growth and tackle them head on, take accountability and ownership of your life, do things that bring you joy, and engage in self-care.
Nicole - it could be any of the reasons you mentioned or something else, I truly don't know and I don't care. I just don't give myself space for speculation and mind reading any more. I am getting on with my life and she does what she does. I will definitely get some idea of where she's at depending on how she responds to the separation agreement. I am not going to accept lukewarm attempts and dumb temp checks. As far as I can see, if she was able to be forthright about the separation and ending the marriage, she has it in her to do the same if she wants a different path to be taken. I am not going to coax it out of her. She's gotta come at me in some direct way and then we'll see. There's just no point in half measures. Life is just too short and I want to make the best of it for me and my kids at this point. If she wants to join the ride, then I need to see a lot lot lot more from her than this.
I know there's a lot of discussion here about patience and the value of standing and its nuances, and I wanted to clarify that I have not run out of patience nor do I not see the value in standing. You have to figure out your values and then make decisions based on that. My decision on moving forward with the separation agreement and then the D is based on knowing what I want from life and a partner. And what I want from a partner is not something W can offer right now. I honestly don't know if she can, even if she does therapy etc. So a part of me also feels that I cannot make her be someone she's not so that I would accept her as a partner. That's not fair to her either. She should find someone who matches her and what she wants and can give. And if she can't make those changes authentically the the recon is going to fail at some point because she won't be able to sustain the changes, or I will see through the facade and walk away.
On a different point, I am also wary of sinking more costs in a recon that may or may not work. I know that there is never a guarantee, but I simply can't put in more work with someone who abandoned me. Abandonment has been a huge theme in my life and I just don't know if I can ever get the trust back. I'd rather just take the losses the way they are and try my luck with someone else who might be a better match for me.
I will keep y'all posted for sure on new developments. Saw her again today and it was fine. Small chit chat about kids and some random stuff.
I am doing really good and looking forward to 2019. It's going to be a helluva year. Can't wait!
Hey everyone! I am going to try and do some periodic updates.
Moved into my new place 2 weeks ago. Been trying to get the small stuff out of the old place and clean it up for the last little while. I finished it all yesterday and so officially I am completely out of that place and done. It feels cathartic and I am enjoying my new place. It's all set up now, with a few things here and there still left that will take some time. Kids are happy and have adjusted well to the new place, which was my biggest goal. Now charting a new path and keep moving forward.
I went out last weekend to a meet up group and it was kinda fun. Putting myself out there and trying to make social connections. I will try out some other groups as well and slowly start filling up my schedule. I am still sidelined with my injury and so it will be a while before I can go back climbing. However, doc okayed me to start doing upper body workouts and so that's starting up again this week. I am excited about that.
Also, eased into my health goals as well recently. I am taking a relaxed approach and making good decisions about my food choices. I also started daily intermittent fasting last week and it's been awesome. Today is the first day where I feel my energy levels are low, but I might also be coming down with a cold. So health goals are slowly coming back on track and I am really happy with where I am and trying to be slightly better the next day.
Things with W are pretty status quo still. It's her big weekend this week - graduation ceremony from her program she finished earlier this year. Her family is here and I guess they're doing a big bash. I guess this is the first big thing where I won't be there. I honestly have no feelings either way for it. I don't feel like I am left out, particularly when I remember that this was her decision to just set me aside and out of her life. All the best to her, but I have no desire to be part of her life.
My work performance evaluation went really well. My boss acknowledge that they were not paying me according to my actual status and responsibility on the team. He and the HR rep are going to make it their top priority in 2019 to rectify that and get around red tape to fast track my title and pay promotion. So, I am pretty happy about that.
