Sorry man. Maybe sit down and have a coparenting discussion? "I know we are done, and I am ready to move on with D. However we need to discuss coparenting..........."
She has to come to grips with the fact that you are lifetime coparents, like it or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just happened. She is so mad, angry and done with me. I asked her to please separate her feeling towards me regarding me being her husband and the fact that I am our daughter's father. We need to support her together through this and being at odds is not good. She went on and on about how I was controlling and always have been. I stopped. validated. Then told her that she needs to put her feelings for me and being done with me aside. THIS is the most important thing in our lives right now.
This is how I feel and I don't know how to change it if she doesn't change the way she does things. She hates men. Period. Discussed this earlier in posts regarding where/who she is looking to date next. Do you think this is coming through to our D? YES. My d has already said she has some "open" views on sexuality. I told her I only want her to be happy. BUT if my W is constantly trashing men (and me) how will my daughter see any reason to have me in her life or want me in her life?
Just [censored].
W said some harsh things. She is DONE. Very much dislikes me. The usual that I have heard. I acknowledged her feelings and said that I understand she feels that way. I also again stated that we need to come together for our daughter through this.
I believe the in home separation has truly caused a GREAT detriment in any chance for R. Not that I didn't DB ok (not well, just ok) but that she was so far gone when I started, I think it just solidified her decision. Her not having any reality checks along the way has let her slide in her fog and fantasy world.
I hate this.
I just want my daughter to be happy, healthy and to enjoy life.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
I wish I could give you some good advice related to your D14, but if you read my posts you know that my relationship with my D15 isn't very good. So I will have to let other fathers chime in here. I know your heart is in the right place. And that is a very good thing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This is how I feel and I don't know how to change it if she doesn't change the way she does things. She hates men. Period. Discussed this earlier in posts regarding where/who she is looking to date next. Do you think this is coming through to our D? YES. My d has already said she has some "open" views on sexuality. I told her I only want her to be happy. BUT if my W is constantly trashing men (and me) how will my daughter see any reason to have me in her life or want me in her life?
Really the only way you can show your daughter your steadfast love and how men should treat women is through example. Actions speak a lot louder than words. Don't fall into the trap and be reactionary or defend yourself. Show your daughter every moment you are with her how men should treat women. That goes for your interactions with your W, especially when your daughter is around. As far as just wanting your daughter to be happy, well she probably isn't right now. Just stay the course on your good interactions with her. The consistency will pay off in the long run.
BIG problem is W is so adamant against me personally right now how can it not affect my D's attitude toward me?
I think it will just get worse moving forward with the D. I have to stand up for what I believe in and my W just wants me to go down the drain with the water.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
I appreciate everyone here on the board. Having this resource helps immensely just to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head. Not a good week for my family.
W is very cold, uncaring and harsh to me. She is escalating her desire to move. Outside of discussing our daughter and getting her taken care of, there has not been much discussion other than her offhanded responses of "I need to get out of here", " I can't wait to get away from this", etc. etc. etc. She was looking for places on her laptop and wasn't even hiding it from me last evening.
I let her do her thing. She is going to do it anyway. I am proceeding with my part and preparing for the future (funny thing there, I originally wrote preparing for the worst, then thought about it for a moment. I have decided to make my life more positive no matter what moving forward).
I hope that someday we can get to a better place and coparent our kids well. This is going to be a VERY difficult few months getting through all of this. I am prepared for her to move. I am not prepared to be without my kids half the time. I actually think my W is looking forward to being without all of us. She loves her kids, but in her selfish state she has stated it many times before that she just wants to be alone and away from everyone.
Of course, I think it was Steve that said it, "the only reason a spouse wants another place is so they can sleep with someone". I agree. She is ready to move on. This is not saying that I am giving up DB'ing. I wanted to make that clear. At this moment, if we could agree on boundaries, I would want to work things out.
I know there is no way to get her to see differently at the moment. This will be a timeline of her own choosing. I have no control over her. I only can control myself and make sure my children have a safe, secure, loving, happy home.
Didn't sleep last night. Tired as anything today. I will put my best face on this morning and any interaction with my W and kids will be good. Today is a positive day!
I have used this line many times and I will honestly say that I believe these are numbered but: It is Friday, and I my familly is still under the same roof. Changed it a little bit as I have come to realize that space and time is the only chance my W has of her fog lifting. I also don't see this happening as she is very stubborn.
All I can do is watch out for my kids and myself and wish her the best.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
W is very cold, uncaring and harsh to me. She is escalating her desire to move. Outside of discussing our daughter and getting her taken care of, there has not been much discussion other than her offhanded responses of "I need to get out of here", " I can't wait to get away from this", etc. etc. etc. She was looking for places on her laptop and wasn't even hiding it from me last evening.
I let her do her thing. She is going to do it anyway.
JS,
Look man, I know this isn't easy but based on what you wrote above, you still are putting pressure on your W. You let her do it? Did you have a choice?
In my sitch in the beginning when I was still pursuing my ex once said "I have to get out of here I feel trapped". Talk about a gut punch. Fast forward a year later after I accepted the M was over, I basically had to tell her that she had to find a house because she couldn't live here no more. Not because I didn't love her, but because I decided that if she didn't want to be a family anymore that's ok but you can't stay here anymore.
You are so afraid of the unknown that your fear is driving you to make things worse!
Accept right now today that your marriage is over. My best guess is it will take her at minimum 2 years to realize she made a mistake.
Now it's time to man up a be the rock for your kids. Don't worrying about co-parenting, my ex and I are very amicable and I talk to her maybe once a week. With technology and shared calendars it makes it really easy. Don't worry about 50/50 custody, it is not as bad as it sounds. You will still have plenty of time to create memories with them to last a life time.
Time and space are the only thing that will turn this around. She has to choose to want to be with you. Drop the rope my friend, I promise you that you will be just fine.
JS, prayers my friend. I know you've been through an ordeal here, maybe even more so than most LBSs. I think you have the right focus here. Just try to control what you can, you, and be the best you for your kids that you can be!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks everybody for the input and support. I have dropped the rope. I am not trying to control her or second guess what she does. She will do what she will do. I will continue to DB and take care of my kids and myself. D is in counseling already I will get S in there soon. I will update as I can.
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
