I so know how you feel Kiwi. Like FS, I think we are also in similar sitchs with our H's moved out or in the process of moving out and being so nice to us. In some ways, I think it would be easier if my H was not nice. Easier for me to let him go.
There are still a lot of his things in our house but I have started to move his belongings aside to make more room for mine. If he notices, he hasn't said anything. He recently took his electric toothbrush which had been in our bathroom for six weeks. Don't know why but that really bothered me. Other things he has taken are items I might not have noticed if I hadn't been looking for them. When he takes something he thinks I will notice, he asks first. All in all, he has been very respectful and kind - more so then when he was living here when he basically just ignored me.
Ironically, my H sees more of our kids now than when he did when he was living with us. We have also talked more in the last seven weeks than we did in the last eight months. Tomorrow he is coming for dinner (mostly because it is convenient) and we are taking the kids trick or treating. Since there have been no permanent decisions made (and honestly I don't think he will make one unless I push it), we agreed that once in awhile it is good for our kids to spend time with us together - especially on special occasions like Hallowe'en, Christmas, birthdays, etc...
I am lucky in that my H found his place and secretly moved some of his things before I knew about it so, in a sense, the bandaid was ripped off pretty quickly once I was in the know and he could just go there without having to pretend anymore. I really feel for you having to have this move out day to "look forward" to. For me, it was the opposite with a number of "move back" days coming and going until I realized he was nowhere ready to return and if he did so, it would only be out of guilt and nothing more. As FS pointed out... his heart is in a box and he only really takes it out when he is with the kids. It is no longer accessible to me or to anyone else, for that matter.
Anyway... I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and you are not alone. This is a crazy reality we are living in. Keep posting. (((HUGS)))
Thank you for your responses FS and Dejavus, yes FS he has blamed me for all his unhappiness and just the fact that he is willing to spend all this money on his own place, just to be away from me is so hard to digest for me. If he chooses to rather spend 2k every month then living with me, I must have been a horrible wife to him. Also you are right with distinguishing between being friendly and being friends. We will see how it goes once he is out.
Holidays are a big issue for me too, Christmas being the toughest. I have the option of going to Europe to spend the holidays with my parents there. My inlaws live in the same area as my parents, so the kids could still spend time with both parts of the family separately. H will be on business trip there before Christmas anyway and would just stay a little longe if we would be there. He leaves the decision to me. The kids would love to go and it would probably be the easiest way for them for our first Christmas not as a couple. I think celebrating while I have thought about it as an option has never crossed Hs mind, so I rather don’t bring it up. I know it sounds crazy, but being with my parents over Christmas does not sound that attractive to me. We get along very well and I love them, but being with them without H seems harder then being all by myself. Maybe it is because they are no longer very fond of H. I know I need to change my perspective and should start looking forward to holidays, after all they are not dependent of me being with H.. sorry if this sounds confusing. That’s exactly what it feels like.
H just came home from his shopping trip at IKEA and brought me some liquorice Candy, my favorite. That’s nice, but I need to detach more. I did not ask a single question about his shopping. Too hard to even think about it. Detach, detach, detach. It also is a very quiet weekend. The first one in a while. I could use that and are finally reading just a book nothing DB related, but still being busy was easier.
The kids would love to go and it would probably be the easiest way for them for our first Christmas not as a couple. I think celebrating while I have thought about it as an option has never crossed Hs mind, so I rather don’t bring it up. I know it sounds crazy, but being with my parents over Christmas does not sound that attractive to me. We get along very well and I love them, but being with them without H seems harder then being all by myself. Maybe it is because they are no longer very fond of H.
Christmas is a horrible time to feel alone. If you can be with people who love you, then do. And like you said, it would be easier on the kids. Sometimes a distraction is necessary.
Originally Posted by kiwi
Maybe it is because they are no longer very fond of H.
If you don't want to hear your H being bad mouthed, explain to your parents before you go that you are there because you need time out from the madness of your sitch. What you are after is space to clear your head. If they can't give you this, then time with them is not a distraction. It is more of the same.
As unwanted as this journey is, you are on it, and this journey is about detaching so you can be a better you. You cannot detach if you allow people to fuel your anger.
I am trying not to think of Christmas. I have no idea what it is going to look like given that H’s mom lives with me. I know she will want to be with the grandkids. My sister and her H also come for Christmas and my H has avoided them like the plague. If I had to guess, he will want to be elsewhere. Not even going to think about where that might be. Personally, I would like to just skip it altogether.
Who would you like to be with you on Christmas day? I know that we are supposed to think of others at such times, but we all have had a tough year and can be excused doing what we want for a change.
DV6 If you want to have your sister, then have your sister. If he uses that as his excuse to stay away, then that's what it is, an excuse. Don't try to please everyone and juggle everyone else's needs.
Presume that he isn't coming and plan what you want to do. The only important thing is that you and the kids have a good day. And that will happen irrespective of where he is and where you are.
Tell him what you have decided and let him make his choices.
For the last seven years we have had Hs family over for Christmas. We have the largest house, my family is on the other side of the world and, never having really celebrated Christmas growing up, I love having everyone around for Christmas. To me, it is what family is all about. I am not naive enough to think it will continue if we get D but I will crozs that bridge if I get to it.
I decided to host again this year and I am planning a NYE party (first in 12 years). H is welcome to join. He will be there Christmas but will prob have plans NYE.
I want him to join us but I no longer seek his permission re our family plans nor do I expect him to join us for them. If he doesnt join or if he is a miserable sh!t the entire time then that's on him.
So, guess am trying to say the same thing as Yorkie. DJV Spend Christmas the way YOU want to spend it. Dont worry about what your H is doing. Kiwi if you think seeing your parents Christmas will help you heal, then do it.
Thank you Yorkie & FS. You are totally right. I will just plan it like he isn’t coming. Thank you for the 2x4s. I think I will even plan a NYE party. Why not? I have a beautiful home so why not invite my friends to share it with me. I know for sure H will not want to come for that. He would feel too much like an outsider. But that’s okay. He can do his own thing.
"Consult not your fears but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but what it is still possible for you to do"
Thank you aYorkie, that is a wonderful thought. Thanks to all of you for your wisdom. So I decided to visit parents in Europe and am surprised that I am actually kind of looking forward to it, while before I was dreading the thought of the holidays. While there I will meet some longtime close friends and the kids are so excited. Just need to book the flights now.
Otherwise my feelings are spinning and I am mad at myself about how much I let H influence my mood and feelings. The weekend was almost to nice at home, he is looking at me, smiling, we actually played a round of ping pong together( ok I have to admit I initiated that) and were actually laughing. All this makes me feel good and I almost loose contact with reality, that he is moving out. But the signs are everywhere and I wonder how does this go together and I know I should not even wonder....then S15 says to me: I think dad does not really want a separation he told me he still wants to help you with the house, he just feels he needs to move out. That made me kind of mad. I don’t want someone who feels responsible for me, but someone who loves me! And that is obviously not what H wants, so I just need to get detached!!!....but still the friendliness is better than the cold we had before, even if it makes distancing harder
