Equalzr's WW. Still accepting advice! Pt 3

[equalzr]

Burn, my 1st hearing is coming up really soon. I wish i could just fast forward through the entire thing.

Your right, i seem to be a glutton for punishment. Lol, i got a good laugh out of your comment...hero....maybe martyr. Yes she was/is way out of control. Definitely in the middle of a MLC.

Im firmly guilty of letting my WW cake eat. I allowed her to continue developing a R with OM and she eventually became comfortable with it and decided she didnt need me anymore. I will day that i will at least take comfort in knowing that i did everything possible to save my M and my family which are/were the most important things in the world to me. Its not a lot, but its something.

[AnotherStander]

How do you deal with being lonely? My sitch has been a long one, not quite 2 years. Id be lying if i didnt say that the loneliness is really wearing on me.

I dealt with it by filling my time up with stuff I enjoyed doing. I went to the gym almost every day, picked up my old hobby of building and flying R/C planes, blew the dust off my motorcycles and started riding them again, started hanging out more with friends, etc. etc. On the weeks I had the kids I of course focused on them, but on the weeks I didn't have them I was busy non-stop. I had no trouble sleeping, my days were so packed full that I would collapse in bed exhausted by the end of it! And I've kept up with that in the years since- I have memberships at a CrossFit gym as well as a conventional gym and work out 6 days a week, and have recently started getting back into sketching and clay sculpting. I am so busy that the thing I lament more than anything else is not having MORE time to do stuff! Heck when my GF wants to come by I usually have to carve time out for her. I can spend the entire weekend alone at home and never once feel lonely.

[burned]

building and flying R/C planes

Highly recommended! I went to see my brother race his little styrofoam wing thing a couple weekends ago. I was watching the view from the camera with some goggles. Super cool crowd, and it looked like fun!

[equalzr]

I definitely will start filling my time with activities. Unfortunately much of the time will be spent working and taking grad classes. I need to refind/find hobbies. Honestly, and i dont know if its the same for a lot of us, but i lost the fun in everyrhing i use to like doing. My sitch completely robbed me of the simple joys in anything really.

Maybe being lonely now is a bigger sign of codependency. Ill have to learn to enjoy myself and better myself, that way i dont fall into the same trap again. I think sort of being a loner probably led to codependency and i didnt realize it. Im more of a home body (part of WW's issues w/ me) so i dont necessarily build a lot of friendships. Im making it a point to be a lot more talkative and also initiate conversations so i can break out of that.

[Davide]

I definitely will start filling my time with activities. Unfortunately much of the time will be spent working and taking grad classes. I need to refind/find hobbies. Honestly, and i dont know if its the same for a lot of us, but i lost the fun in everyrhing i use to like doing. My sitch completely robbed me of the simple joys in anything really.

Maybe being lonely now is a bigger sign of codependency. Ill have to learn to enjoy myself and better myself, that way i dont fall into the same trap again. I think sort of being a loner probably led to codependency and i didnt realize it. Im more of a home body (part of WW's issues w/ me) so i dont necessarily build a lot of friendships. Im making it a point to be a lot more talkative and also initiate conversations so i can break out of that.

That is absolutely a sign of codependency. Focusing all (or too much) of one's attention on one's partner and losing contact with friends or losing contact with the activities that one enjoys, those are all symptoms. I remember post BD when people were telling me to GAL and to find activities that I enjoyed and it felt nearly impossible. The key for me was to force myself to be active and put myself out there despite the complete absence of motivation. There is a saying that action precedes motivation - once you get started it is easier to build motivation, the first step is the hardest. Once you get into a positive routine it becomes a virtuous cycle that feeds off itself.

I would say even if it is something as simple as getting out of your house and studying for your grad classes in a coffee shop it can help. There is certainly an element of "faking it till you make it" at first, but as time goes by and you gain better perspective the activities and social interactions will become enjoyable. For me it has mainly been exercise - rock climbing, yoga, and biking all of which I do with other people or meet new people at. Meetup groups are also a great way to expand your social circle without getting into the bar scene.

[LANE777]

I'm going to update my thread hopefully tomorrow..hope you re doing well.

[equalzr]

I'm going to update my thread hopefully tomorrow..hope you re doing well.

Hey L!

Im still hanging in there. Accepted reality, and im making a plan and setting goals for myself. Nothing new in my sitch, just in a continual deep drop on the rollercoaster ride.

[equalzr]

Ive been busy with everything going on. Getting my schooling straightened out, finding a place, looking for a new job, and with the D staring me in the face. I meet with my ic today so im hoping that will help ease some of the on and off anxiety im experiencing.


**HELP PLEASE**

Anybody know what to expect at the first hearing, its coming up quickly. I havent retained a L yet, but have consulted w/ a few. Is it paramount that i have one for this, WW and i havent come to any agreements yet. Do i need to fork out tons of cash for a retainer right now? Let me know, i dont want to end up getring taken out to the woodshed. Thanks!

[equalzr]

^^^anybody?


Thanks

[neffer]

I really don´t know how to answer that question Eq. I have no experience on that. Sorry.