Hi TF. W knows you don’t want the D, right? Cause some of the IC advices are opposed to those of DB. Be careful with that. Keep DB, detach and GAL. Getting into amoafwl is the goal here. It’s gonna be her loss.
Stay strong TF, be the lighthouse.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hi TF. W knows you don’t want the D, right? Cause some of the IC advices are opposed to those of DB. Be careful with that. Keep DB, detach and GAL. Getting into amoafwl is the goal here. It’s gonna be her loss.
Stay strong TF, be the lighthouse.
Hi neffer. Wife knows I am very opposed to D. I don't bring it up often cause it not necessary to keep harping it and I don't want to show pursuit. I bring up being against D when I need to such as when we met with the mediator. IC advice will help me grow as a person, although yes it does seem to feel a brit opposed to DB. It feels like a fine line to be walking so I am open to any advice.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Exactly. You’ll have to walk very carefully there. Remember no pursue, no pressure, no R talks. It takes time. Don’t rush, don’t push. She must see you are getting amoafwl and she needs to feel the loss. IMHO I prefer to keep strictly DBing. It’s your shot TF, be strong.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
My W and I share the same IC. IC told me that it was her prof. opinion that W was mentally unwell and I could have been the perfect husband and she thinks the result would have been the same.
I agree and have mentioned this to you in the past. Under your certain circumstances you would have beaten the odds if your marriage went the distance in this day and age.
Originally Posted by Twofeet
IC wants me to open up more and share my emotions with my W. IC said even if I tear up that's ok but try not to bawl. This would be more of a 180 for me compared to my past. I have working on this but IC wants me to double my efforts.
This is where again I think Cs get it wrong. This is more for healthy relationships. She absolutely knows you do not want a divorce.
Originally Posted by Twofeet
Last note W wants to leave stuff and get a cash out so the house stays normal for the kids or so she says. IC says tell W that's not a valid argument. Kids don't care about stuff, just their parents.
Do not give her cash for the marital items. Ask her to give you a list of what she wants. If she doesn't want anything then too bad that's her problem.
My W and I share the same IC. IC told me that it was her prof. opinion that W was mentally unwell and I could have been the perfect husband and she thinks the result would have been the same.
I agree and have mentioned this to you in the past. Under your certain circumstances you would have beaten the odds if your marriage went the distance in this day and age.
LH19,
When the C was telling me this I was remembering what you said. I was also remembering my folks saying they thought she had been "off" for sometime. They didn't think there was much I could do, and that it not my job to make W happy. I guess just hearing it from a professional was the confirmation of my thoughts and fears. The realization.
Last edited by Twofeet; 10/12/1801:44 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Do not give her cash for the marital items. Ask her to give you a list of what she wants. If she doesn't want anything then too bad that's her problem.
I agree.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
[ I was also remembering my folks saying they thought she had been "off" for sometime.
Yep. It is usually 3-5 years before they get up the courage to drop the bomb. That is why when they do they feel so relieved to get it of their chest that they rarely change their mind.
That comes later when they realize that they are still unhappy and say "holy fuch what have i done"?
Unfortunately by then the LBS has moved on or too much carnage has has been accumulated to go back.
I'm not a big proponent of marriage counselors. I keep looking back to our counselor back in 2003 he asked me what was I holding onto she doesn't love you! Told her she had to make a decision never said a word to me, for a whole week she was weighing her options and she comes in and he tells her last week I told you have to make a decision and so she said I've decided I want a divorce. We didn't divorce. I DB my ass off we separated and finally told her to file for the divorce. When it came right down to it she changed her mind. We are still married but she has often reconsidered leaving me throughout our marriage. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not. That counselor is now on his second divorce. DBing is your only option. I don't know how this IC thing works if you IC is seeing her and telling you what she is thinking they are doing the same thing to you. Not helpful my friend.
Now as for your stoic behaviors in which she has nicknames for. Well, that is your 180 that is what you need to change. If you don't smile a lot you need to gradually change that. Don't go all teeth all of a sudden, just look at her and give a half smile. Learn to smile with your eyes. Look at yourself in the mirror do you have that natural bitch face-scowl going on. If so practice raising your eyebrows and changing that look that's smiling with your eyes. You might be surprised. It will probably change your whole attitude and outlook on life. People will notice that. When you are listening to her and validating her, that is a time to open your eyes physically and get the scowl off your face. It looks much less judgemental. Don't cross your arms or legs don't put something in between you and her like a chair.
Part of being that lighthouse is that you are the lighthouse by the safe harbor. You have to be the safe harbor. Now with that being said, you don't have to roll over and be the nice guy either. It's okay to show your unhappiness when you are unhappy, for instance, she says the kids will be fine with this divorce, you don't have to be happy with such an idiotic statement like that. But if and when you feel good about things you need to let her know you feel good about it. If she is happy don't be afraid to show her you are happy being happy with her. At the same time she comes home you're making dinner and maybe you are feeling out of sorts and irritated you fake it and you be happy not for her but for you. I find if I have to pretend to be happy hell I might as well feel happy too :-)
About a week ago, my W and I were talking and she said I know I have to make a decision. I didn't say anything one way or another. Laying in bed a few nights later I told her I know this is really hard on her too. She didn't say anything. She doesn't call or text but very rarely and she does say I love you and hugs and kisses and even holds my hand in bed sometimes. But really I felt nothing has changed. The other night I got up and slept on the couch for a while. The following night she says maybe we can go out to dinner just you and I. I agree. For the first time in months, she brings up the R. She said you had a hard time sleeping last night. I told her this sitch is wearing on me. Needed to get some space. She said that during our last talk just hearing herself say she had to make a decision had an impact on her and she has since decided to put it out of her mind. I said it would have been nice to know this sooner. She said I was sending signals. I told her honestly her signals aren't much different from what I've been seeing already, but we leave it at that. We are I guess better but I'm still in a state of confusion, but it's hopeful. Sometimes the signals are so small you can hardly detect them, but they are there. Keep it up TF you are going to be fine no matter what.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
I'm not a big proponent of marriage counselors. I keep looking back to our counselor back in 2003 he asked me what was I holding onto she doesn't love you! Told her she had to make a decision never said a word to me, for a whole week she was weighing her options and she comes in and he tells her last week I told you have to make a decision and so she said I've decided I want a divorce. We didn't divorce. I DB my ass off we separated and finally told her to file for the divorce. When it came right down to it she changed her mind. We are still married but she has often reconsidered leaving me throughout our marriage. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not. That counselor is now on his second divorce. DBing is your only option. I don't know how this IC thing works if you IC is seeing her and telling you what she is thinking they are doing the same thing to you. Not helpful my friend.
Now as for your stoic behaviors in which she has nicknames for. Well, that is your 180 that is what you need to change. If you don't smile a lot you need to gradually change that. Don't go all teeth all of a sudden, just look at her and give a half smile. Learn to smile with your eyes. Look at yourself in the mirror do you have that natural bitch face-scowl going on. If so practice raising your eyebrows and changing that look that's smiling with your eyes. You might be surprised. It will probably change your whole attitude and outlook on life. People will notice that. When you are listening to her and validating her, that is a time to open your eyes physically and get the scowl off your face. It looks much less judgemental. Don't cross your arms or legs don't put something in between you and her like a chair.
Part of being that lighthouse is that you are the lighthouse by the safe harbor. You have to be the safe harbor. Now with that being said, you don't have to roll over and be the nice guy either. It's okay to show your unhappiness when you are unhappy, for instance, she says the kids will be fine with this divorce, you don't have to be happy with such an idiotic statement like that. But if and when you feel good about things you need to let her know you feel good about it. If she is happy don't be afraid to show her you are happy being happy with her. At the same time she comes home you're making dinner and maybe you are feeling out of sorts and irritated you fake it and you be happy not for her but for you. I find if I have to pretend to be happy hell I might as well feel happy too :-)
About a week ago, my W and I were talking and she said I know I have to make a decision. I didn't say anything one way or another. Laying in bed a few nights later I told her I know this is really hard on her too. She didn't say anything. She doesn't call or text but very rarely and she does say I love you and hugs and kisses and even holds my hand in bed sometimes. But really I felt nothing has changed. The other night I got up and slept on the couch for a while. The following night she says maybe we can go out to dinner just you and I. I agree. For the first time in months, she brings up the R. She said you had a hard time sleeping last night. I told her this sitch is wearing on me. Needed to get some space. She said that during our last talk just hearing herself say she had to make a decision had an impact on her and she has since decided to put it out of her mind. I said it would have been nice to know this sooner. She said I was sending signals. I told her honestly her signals aren't much different from what I've been seeing already, but we leave it at that. We are I guess better but I'm still in a state of confusion, but it's hopeful. Sometimes the signals are so small you can hardly detect them, but they are there. Keep it up TF you are going to be fine no matter what.
Again18, as usual thank you for your advice and wisdom. We are not in MC. We went to MC after the birth of our first child and it helped with communication and transitioning into parenthood. Our current IC is not our MC. She is very pro marriage. She still feels hopeful we can recon after D. Although we don't work on that. My IC is goal orientated towards self improvement both as a person and a parent. IC told me about W very cautiously and didn't divulge further. It felt like I shouldn't ask more so I didn't. I think she told me to let me know there isn't much I could have done to prevent this, to let go of those thoughts. If she tells W about me it wouldn't be anything W doesn't already know. I care for and love my wife (she knows). I am vehemently apposed to D and want to work it out (she know this as well). I want to improve myself (she knows and has commented on me changing). I will stick to DB even post D and implement the 180 as you suggested. I am hopeful for recon post D, but I also know that I can have no expectations. I will be patient, but not wait around. I will be the lighthouse. Hopefully it works out, but if not as much as it hurts right now I still know I will be okay.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
IC told me that it was her prof. opinion that W was mentally unwell and I could have been the perfect husband and she thinks the result would have been the same. IC wants me to open up more and share my emotions with my W. IC said even if I tear up that's ok but try not to bawl. This would be more of a 180 for me compared to my past. I have working on this but IC wants me to double my efforts. IC fears that if I stay to stoic or too hard it will give W the impression that I want this or look forward to D. IC thinks this will give W more ammo for the blame game especially when things dont work out for W. Feels like this is a fine line I am walking with DB and dropping the rope. Care but don't care. I'm a bit mixed and need some advice.
OK well our attitude here is not to pour out your feelings to her, just LISTEN and VALIDATE. Now when you properly validate it leaves her with the impression that you are being more communicative and sensitive, so it's kind of the same thing your IC is saying. The goal is to get her to talk about HER feelings, not lay all yours out there. I agree with your IC that you don't want to appear stoic but again, that's the point of listening and validating- so that she feels a connection to you.
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Last note W wants to leave stuff and get a cash out so the house stays normal for the kids or so she says. IC says tell W that's not a valid argument. Kids don't care about stuff, just their parents.
She is entitled to half the marital assets, but she's not entitled to money for half the assets unless you both agree to that. My ex and I sat down to discuss it and I ended up keeping most of the furniture and paid for some of her new furniture. But that was mostly my choice, I was the one that wanted to keep the home intact. Maybe a little for the kids, but mostly for me because I've always loved the place and it's my comfort zone.
