Whirlwind of Hurt 3

[AnotherStander]

TF- I agree 100% with LH, I was about to post something similar when I saw his post. You are not detached and that's OK, don't try and rush it. You can't set boundaries about dating and such, because not only are there no consequences for that, but trying to tell her she can't date is just going to look like control and manipulation. She clearly doesn't share your views on the sanctity of marriage or you wouldn't be here in the first place.

D@mnit I am not done ranting. Before BD things had been really good this year. Careers with better work life balance. I was doing more and more around the house and with the kids. More than I ever had time to before. Fewer fights than we ever had. We did plenty of family activities every weekend. W would tell ppl we were in love and would never get divorced. W and I went on dates or found things to do together outside of date night. Sex was good and frequent. Hell, weekend before BD we went on a daytime date, held hands said I love yous, wine tasting, lunch, walking around exploring the city arm in arm, we even had sex that day. I mean WTF?!

Rant away because I am right there with you. What they are doing just makes no sense at all. They go from being 100% committed to the M to suddenly wanting out seemingly overnight. We'll never know why, unless maybe when we die all the deep secrets of the universe are revealed to us but I'm not banking on it

[Twofeet]

TF,

I think you are being too hard on yourself. There is no way you can detach completely in this little time.

A couple notes from reading your post. You can hold up your end of the marriage vows to the end but you can't force her too. What boundaries can you set? What are the consequences if broken? See what I mean? I would just let it go.

Second note, why are you having dinner at her parents, watching shows with her and going up stairs to have lunch with her? That needs to stop immediately. If you want her to change her mind you need to show her how life will be with out you in it. Right now you are not her buddy, her therapist someone she runs questions by. That can happen in the future when/if you realize you are better off without her and she is just the mother of your children to you.

LH19,

Thanks for the advice.

As as the marriage vows go I could always drop mediation and go with the lawyer I consulted with. Counter with at fault D. The lawyer told me dating before D was a big no go and advised me not to do so. Realistically, I will take your advice and just drop it. It's a cheeseless tunnel.

I am very close with her parents, W may D me but her family isn't. I am not going to drop that relationship. My error was including the W on the dinner plans. I should have went without her. If she weasels her way in I will have to just stop till she moves out.

I know she is not my buddy anymore, but as you can see I am struggling with this. Being best friends since HS to her dropping me like a hot brick has been a hard hump to get over.

Once again thanks LH for giving me guidance.

[ovrrnbw]

, W may D me but her family isn't. I am not going to drop that relationship.

I don't know everything, but I seriously doubt that you would maintain the same relationship with them post divorce. And how would that make the new Mrs. Twofeet feel if somehow you did?

Being best friends since HS to her dropping me like a hot brick has been a hard hump to get over.

This is bothering her too, but you are there for her all the time so she hasn't felt the loss yet. Let her feel the consequence of her own choice.

[Twofeet]

, W may D me but her family isn't. I am not going to drop that relationship.

I don't know everything, but I seriously doubt that you would maintain the same relationship with them post divorce. And how would that make the new Mrs. Twofeet feel if somehow you did?

Being best friends since HS to her dropping me like a hot brick has been a hard hump to get over.

This is bothering her too, but you are there for her all the time so she hasn't felt the loss yet. Let her feel the consequence of her own choice.

Ovrrnbw unless the W tries really hard to crash n burn my R with inlaws there isn't any reason for that to end. I have known them for half my life. They are good people, and have been a positive influence and role models to me. I am the S they never had. While they aren't perfect and have character flaws like everyone they are my second set of parents.
They have been actively trying to include me in there life especially since W keeps being so distant. MIL tries to get me to go to church with her, which I oblige. FIL is my hunt and fishing buddy. SIL tries to make plans with me and all the cousins (another one of those where W buts in tries to takeover and push me out).
Blood is thicker than water, but the inlaws have stated basically the blood of the grandchildren is thicker than that of their daughters. So as long as I keep my childrens best interest at heart (like R2C says what's good for the kids is good for me) I don't see that R deteriorating. Things could change I understand that, but there is my line in the sand.

As for a future Mrs. TF? Well I am not even interested in thinking about a new R. So unless the current Mrs.TF comes around then I feel like being a bachelor for a while.

As far as the consequences part of your statement go. I hope the happen soon and hard, I can't be her cushion anymore.

[Twofeet]

TF- I agree 100% with LH, I was about to post something similar when I saw his post. You are not detached and that's OK, don't try and rush it. You can't set boundaries about dating and such, because not only are there no consequences for that, but trying to tell her she can't date is just going to look like control and manipulation. She clearly doesn't share your views on the sanctity of marriage or you wouldn't be here in the first place.

D@mnit I am not done ranting. Before BD things had been really good this year. Careers with better work life balance. I was doing more and more around the house and with the kids. More than I ever had time to before. Fewer fights than we ever had. We did plenty of family activities every weekend. W would tell ppl we were in love and would never get divorced. W and I went on dates or found things to do together outside of date night. Sex was good and frequent. Hell, weekend before BD we went on a daytime date, held hands said I love yous, wine tasting, lunch, walking around exploring the city arm in arm, we even had sex that day. I mean WTF?!

Rant away because I am right there with you. What they are doing just makes no sense at all. They go from being 100% committed to the M to suddenly wanting out seemingly overnight. We'll never know why, unless maybe when we die all the deep secrets of the universe are revealed to us but I'm not banking on it

AS I could die tomorrow and ask God why my WAW/WW? Why did she do it? God would probably say it cannot be known.

[Again18]

TF- You're doing great and believe it or not you are making great progress here. Keep doing what you're doing it's working. Your sitch sounds a lot like mine especially with the things seemed great, what I was doing and what she was doing then all of a sudden the BD. I don't know why it happens and why us. But have hope, I don't think your sitch is as hopeless as you sometimes think it is. Just keep doing what you are doing. She's thinking about this and I bet she's thinking more and more about staying in this, but she has to decide on her own you cannot have any influence on it what so ever.

back in April, my wife told me she had decided to leave she didn't tell me this until after I confronted her about how she was being different and after she felt she had changed her mind. I thought wow, I narrowly avoided a major blow to our marriage. But then I started talking to her one night and I said I know you want out, and she said nothing, stone cold silence. There were crying and talk about being lost and being confused. It was then I realized we were still in a lot of trouble here. She was riding the fence didn't know if she should stay or go. This limbo [censored], but the other night she and since it's like a switch has changed and she's now in this. Have hope all it takes is for her to switch and it could happen at any moment. Just don't give up, keep doing what you are doing.

[Twofeet]

Again18,

I think at times its possible she is thinking about staying, but I think her feelings of leaving are stronger. I think DB is working to the degree that she has become more friendly. I am confident we will be fine as coparents. My IC has been really impressed with my improvement in empathy, validation, communication skills and how I am handling with love/love from a distance, letting go so she can be her own person. However, my gut is telling me she will move out to S, then likely D. My gut is telling me she will need to do this for her to really determine if she wants a reconciliation. As I have said before I hope for reconciliation, but I can have no expectations. I just have to be AMOAFWL. Keep me in your prayers.

[Again18]

Tf,

You are in my prayers. I have felt just like you have described here as well. My W already had a history of walking away from relationships. I believed that when she made up her mind she was done that we were done. I just kept DBing and I prayed to the good Lord that please just make it so we can be friends enough to take good care of our children. God answered my prayers with so much more. Yes, I find myself back here again. Reading and working on myself and praying for a healed marriage, but I know I we have beaten so many odds already and that is only because of my faith in the Lord. Keep the faith, you have the right attitude and you are doing the right things. Just keep doing what you're doing. She will temp check more but don't fall for it if you do she will pull back. She really has to believe you will not be there to come back to if she leaves. Trust me you will know when she is no longer temp checking and is genuinely considering reconciliation.

[Twofeet]

Had the drinking and driving confrontation with W this evening. Its something I worked on with IC, part of it feels slightly against db principles.

Me: I would like to talk to you.
W: What's up
Me: I have something I want to talk to you about. I am not here to pass judgment, criticize, or control you. What I have to say is the CC bill came in today and while reviewing expenses I see your night out including dinner and drinks at restaurant A (I only see expenses, but its and old regular for us so I know what a dinner and drinks cost) then drinks at bar b. Then you took a cab to gal pals house and drove home.
W: I had one drink at dinner and one drink at the bar. Gal pal payed for Cab.
Me: That is a pretty expensive drink don't you think ? (Caught her lie originally she only had one drink)
W: I had a drink and dessert that's it, nothing else. (still a lie I also have been to bar b, yes they have dessert, but a drink and dessert would only cost half her bill at most)
Me: I am not here to debate you, judge you, or criticize you. What I want to say is that we, this family, need you to be safe. If you are ever in a truly bad situation you can call me and I can come get you no questions asked. Please be safe.
W: Oh God if I was in a bad situation I would hope the least I could do would be to get over myself, my pride, and call you.
Me: Could I make 1 last suggestion?
W: Go ahead.
Me: At least carry some mace in your purse when you are out.
W: I dunno, I have to worry about the kids getting to it.
Me: It is only a suggestion. Are we good? Are you ok, anything you feel like you want to talk about?
W: Yes we are good, nothing to talk about.

This conversation is linear as it's typed out, but reality was that she would try to talk over me and/or cut me off with her speaking. She was a bit defensive and pissy, either because she was caught in a lie, or she can't handle what I thought was an adult conversation.

Shrug...... any input is welcomed.

[Ready2Change]

I am glad you did that.

Just be aware that you disclosed your source. She will be more careful from now on. Cash will cover her tracks.

Less is more.

H"I have something I want to talk to you about."
W"OK"
H" I am not here to pass judgement, criticize, control or debate you. This family needs you to be safe. You can call me any time and I will come get you no questions asked. Please be safe."
W"Bla bla bla....."

Listen and understand.