It's really helpful to hear a different perspective from your thread and contributions here. One thing I wonder is if you feel you're being fair to yourself, OW, and your wife by returning to your wife if you feel that OW is your true love and soulmate? I'm just wondering because clearly you thought returning to your wife is the right thing to do, and I agree that it is, but it must be painful for all of you to be in the positions you're in knowing that you and OW still have feelings for one another. Do you still see OW at work or anywhere in real life? Does your wife seem to feel happy and content to have you back? I'm just curious....thanks again for sharing!
Hi N! You are right about those feelings. I had them. That’s why I’m so grateful to this forum. I came across Sandi’s list of waywardness. Those were my feelings...they are different now. It takes time...time is a key factor on our sitches. I dont’t see OW at work. Part of the staff of my coworkers were trasferred to another facility two years ago. She was one of them.
W and S are happy to have me back. So am I.
Thank you for posting N.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm just sorry I didn't see it when you first posted. I'm not able to stay on top of things as I once did (or thought I did). I only remember one other WH posting on the board, but he didn't stay long.
Thank you also for the kind words about how much our posts have helped you, b/c it is really encouraging. I was still wayward when I arrived on the board, and I give a ton of credit to the mentors I had back during that time. It played a big part in my decision to end my A and stay with my H. I was on this board from the minute I got home from work, until I would nearly fall asleep at the computer every night. Years ago, we were able to contact members privately, so I was getting extra help in my time of feeling weak and tempted. I went through several months of hard withdrawals, and another several months of what I suppose could be determined lighter withdrawals. In a minute, I'll tell you why I think it took me so long.
I was very depressed after ending my A. And, I was struggling with some health issues (before and after the A) and doctors had switched my meds around, until it's a wonder I have any sense at all. I didn't want to take responsibility for having an A, but I finally did. I was not thrilled to be staying in my M. It was just the right thing to do. That's what some LBS's don't understand. The decision to stay in the M, doesn't mean all the emotions are immediately set right.
I think there are some significant differences in a wayward W and a wayward H, simply b/c of the differences in women and men's makeup. For example, you felt protective over your W and son. That's how men usually see their responsibility, or their role as the protector over the family. Maybe that's why it is so shocking when we read about some WW who left her own children behind in order to be with the OM.....or live like a girl gone wild. There have been several WW's to come & go since I've been a board member, and every single one was alike in their type of mindset, etc. Anyway, it would be interesting to compare notes with a former WH.
It took me nearly two years before I felt like I had reached the point of having the energy to work on my MR. Now, I don't want that to discourage you. I'm just being real with you. This was me, but it's not to say it will be you. You see, I made the decision to do the right thing, end my A and stay in my M. However, my feelings did not change for some time. Yes, I ended my A, and went totally NC with OM, etc. But......it did not stop the fantasizing in my head. And, those little games your mind likes to play...….the "what ifs" or "what may have been". Then I realized I was keeping the A alive in my mind. I could stay busy during the day, come to the board at night, but once I finally went to bed...….here would come the fantasizing. I didn't know how to turn it off. Truth was, I hadn't really tried as hard as I'd like to have admitted. Then something else hit me. Call it God or whatever (I call it God), and that was the fact I had not shown any remorse or even given a humble apology to my H. Why? B/c I wasn't remorseful! I still had a chip on my shoulder. Well, no wonder my feelings for my H had not changed!
Did I mention I wasn't sleeping too well, either? Okay, so finally I started praying that God would help me to feel remorseful, b/c I knew I should be and that I needed to apologize sincerely to my H. Oh boy, when it came, it nearly killed me. My H had stayed up late and I was tossing & turning in bed. I went to him to apologize, and I was so broken he could barely understand what I was saying......but he "knew" what I was trying to do. Afterwards, I went back to bed and slept for the first time in forever. It was still tempting to fantasize about OM, but I started praying every time those kind of thoughts started. Guess that was a good antidote b/c one day I realized the fantasies had stopped.
I'd like to say that that took care of everything, but it didn't. However, it was a start. It would take time for my feelings to catch up. I had to start doing things on purpose (as the kids say). In other words, I had to do things out of my "will" rather than waiting on my "feelings". For example, I willed myself to treat my H with respect. Eventually, the feelings caught up, and I truly did/do respect him. I had so much hard work to do on my heart/mindset. I had to get rid of all those unresolved issues from the past. I had to forgive my H for a host of things. I didn't want to, but God made me realize if my H could forgive me, who was I to say I wouldn't or couldn't forgive him. WW's are very prideful, and that's why humbleness is important. I had to let go of a bunch of old cr@p. It really is a process the wayward spouse has to go through, IMHO, to find their way back again. The LBS has to go through their own healing and forgiving, and so does the wayward spouse. They each have their own different type of process to go through, and then they have to work together to piece their MR together. It's tough!
Some MR's can bounce back faster than others. Frankly, I have doubts when a LBS starts talking about how quickly their WS is progressing and everything is lovey-dovey. Maybe that's just me, or maybe it's b/c I know how much work is involved.
Well, I don't think I've told you anything you don't already know, or read where I've said it. I just want you to know that it can get better. I feel that I was extremely blessed to have the H I have (yes, the one I disrespected so badly) and received the help from some wise people. Although you may be still struggling, you can become stronger by remaining on the board, paying forward what you have experienced/learned.....and are still learning. Piecing is not for sissies, that's for sure. Don't give up. I thought I would never be happy again. I thought I missed my chance when I let OM go. I was wrong on both counts.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi for the words you’ve written. It means a lot to me. I’m still fighting. I’m fighting my mind, my fantasy world with OW. I’m doing IC and we talked about it last Friday. W didn’t make me work hard to get back home but I knew I have to do it myself. Of course I chose my MR because I knew it was the right thing to do. Some cells of my heart still long for OW and a few of my pillow demons whisper she is the love of my life...No way!
Well I chose my family and I’m writing this with pride and joy. Go figure! More than two and a half years from our last contact with OW and my mind still plays treacherous games. So what you have posted Sandi fits perfectly on where I’m standing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. I’m not very religious but there are signals that I can’t ignore. You have contacted me writing an exact description of what I’m going through at these days. I have no words to describe this. Thank you Sandi, from each fiber of my heart, thank you!
I’m fighting, fighting every day and I will not surrender. I’m standing where I have chosen to be: with my family. And I’m proud of my decision.
That’s why I will be eternally grateful to my DB brothers and sisters. Really you have saved my life.
Love you guys.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
neffer, you are a unicorn. ( I mean that in the nicest way) The WH that has come here and transparently shared your story and struggles from the other side. This makes you a tremendous asset to this forum.
You have been a perpetual cheerleader in my sitch and I really thank you from my heart.
Logically, I think we LBSs know that it isn't always easy for the WW/WH, but emotionally we often don't care because of our own struggles and pain. This is where I believe your contributions shine brightest.
You and the others like Sandi help us to both better understand what the opposition is feeling and thinking and this ultimately helps us to forgive and commit to doing the hard work necessary. This is huge!
Thank you for being here.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Neffer, hermano, let me just add my voice to the chorus expressing gratitude for your kindness and unique contributions to this community. There is nothing dark about the space from which you are operating. You may have made mistakes in the past (we all have), but the manner in which you have taken responsibility for your life and actions and have actively reached out to help so many of others in distress is truly admirable.
Mil gracias!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
