Ready2Change, I think that is primarily why I feel so good at the moment. I did see the link you posted earlier in this thread and read the whole thing. I have also been looking at other resources and really am getting my mojo back and it is helping massively. I am doing this for myself but also to make myself more attractive but apparently those two kind of go hand in hand. Hopefully W notices and some glimmer of that attraction comes back for her. If not well eventually I will likely want to start dating again and will need to be attractive when that time comes. I really think all this comes down to hoping for the best with our spouse but preparing for the worst.
R2C, I picked up on coaches posts right away and reading through his posts had an immediate and profound impact on my direction and the happiness and drive that I currently have. I really am not worried about the outcome of my marriage. For obvious reasons the preferred outcome would be to reconcile but at this moment I know that I will be OK no matter what happens in the end. There is one relationship in my life that the outcome is critically important and that is my relationship with myself. Looking at myself even as recently as two weeks ago I was not the person I want to be. Today not much has changed with that except for the fact the I recognize the issues and am taking steps to improve those items and that simple fact has inspired a new found love for myself.
Just got finished up with my first telephone coaching call. It was very helpful to get the experts point of view which pretty much confirmed most of what has already been discussed in this thread. One thing that was very helpful was clarification on how i should be around her at the house. Basically it was suggested that I treat her like she is a house guest staying for a visit. More or less what I have been doing the last week and a half as it is. So plan for now is basically keep plugging away with working on myself, GAL, and detaching.
Well rough night last night and so far rough morning today and am looking for some external opinions on stuff. One thing that has been very clear this last month since W announced her plans for a separation is that she had no real idea or plan in place as to what that would look like or the reality of the situation. Last night when I got home from the gym she was in attack mode. I did slip up a few times but for the most part maintained my new found skills and didn't really get into it and stuck to my boundries. This morning she called and wants to discuss living arrangements and expenses moving forward. It quickly became apparent though that this wasn't going to be a discussion rather more of a this is how things are going to be. Now most of the items I am not Ok with and will not likely agree to. One issue though I am really torn because it involves the kids. WAW's plan is what they call a nesting arrangement. Basically we keep the house, get a secondary residence of some sort and alternate back and forth. Would this really be better for the kids? Perhaps. But this sounds like a terrible arrangement for myself and the W. First off financially it would be hard. Second we would essentially be living out of a suitcase for the foreseeable future. Then there are all the other issues, she is a very messy person so now I would have two places to try and keep clean myself. She is terrible with money management so there is that massive problem hanging over my head. What do we do about groceries and food etc. This seems like a bad way to live and I'm not so sure it really would be better for the kids. I am wondering if any of you guys have first hand experience with this kind of living arrangement and what everyone's thoughts are?
Sounds like a bad plan to me. I am sure you will hear the same from others but if she wants space she can go get her own place and have her space. If it is a financial burden then you shouldn't contribute to a second living space. My WW and I have been in inhouse separtaion but we have a spare bedroom in the basement with a full bath so I don't mind it at all. Have to look at what is best for kids and that moving around is not in their best interest.
Not sure your financial sitch but I would stay put. I doubt you are required to contribute if she wanted to move out unless there was something legal in place.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I know it is hard to think about but look at what you can afford alone if that will be the end game and whether you can afford to stay where you are if she left. Rule of thumb here always seems to be......You want your space, go get your space, don't expect me to contribute and don't make it more difficult for the kids.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
lost8, I agree, I think I would rather be on my own. This "Nesting" idea kind of sounds like more "having her cake and eating it to". But then add the kids to the mix and maybe it would be better for them. I will have to do some serious thinking about what situation would be best.
Is the a trial separation? If it is, then I think Nesting is a good option. If it is not and you are headed right for D then I would and have passed on that option. The kids will eventually have to get use to living in two separate houses.
Just to be clear, nesting is the best option for the kids. Their world gets minimally disturbed.
