What a shame to move it away from La Capital Federal!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
W didn’t make me work hard to get back home but I knew I have to do it myself.
I have had a lot of LBH's ask me what my H did to get me to stay in the M. It wasn't what my H did. He was not the one coming to the board for help. I was. The way I see things, it's the person who is showing up on this board that's getting the "tools". The LBS may be trying to do something to keep the M together, but you and I were the ones who showed up here. As far as I could tell (in my fogged out condition), it didn't appear that my H was doing anything. Honestly, I didn't want him doing anything, but just leave me alone. He did tell me, when I told him I decided to stay, that he expected me to put 110% effort into working on the MR. It ticked me off! Remember, I had not reached the point of feeling remorseful, and was just trying to do the right thing. To me, he sounded self-righteous. I felt I had always been the one who nurtured the relationship, but maybe that was my own arrogance, bitterness, or short sightedness. Inwardly, I still wanted to blame him for my affair. I know that he wasn't being self-righteous, and he had every right to say what he did. I just couldn't muster that much emotional or physical energy b/c my heart wasn't on the right place, yet.
When you are trying to do the right thing by sheer will power...…...and you don't have the desire feeding your soul...….you aren't going to produce as much energy. Does that make sense? Yes, I had ended my A and gone NC, was being transparent, etc. In other words, I was not engaging in any overt WW behavior. However, I was still very resentful toward my H, and at the time....still did not feel respect for him. I was careful not to show any outward disrespect, but my heart had a lot of processing to do. Many LBS's would not and could not understand how on earth I would have such audacity, and that I should be so thankful and humble that my H loved me enough, yada, yada, yada. See, they have a different mindset from the wayward. They have that strong desire and drive for their M to work and are willing to put up with most anything to save it...…..where as the wayward spouse who is coming down from an addictive affair.....cannot share that kind of spirit, feeling, or energy until s/he has fully gone through withdrawals, IMHO. It's easier when you experience all the warm fuzzy feelings and have that passion in your soul. When I ended my A, I just felt terribly sad and empty of any positive feelings or hope. I was trying to resign myself to settle for living in misery for the rest of my life. I don't know if it's that way for everyone, but based on the information I've read, I'm pretty sure it's true for WW's. Maybe you can give us some input from the WH side.
So, the wayward has stopped the affair, but it takes time and going through a process to fix the damage to her/his heart. The LBS is not the only one who was damaged in this ordeal, the wayward spouse is damaged too. Not in the same way as the LBS, and the damage came from our own hands, but we are certainly a mess when we end an affair. Why can't LBS's get it through their heads that ending an affair is just the first step, and it is not an automatic fix to the MR problems? How can we (as a recovering wayward spouse) feel emotionally alive and healthy until we rid traces of the affair and OW/OM from our heart? Well, it may seem easy enough in the opinion of someone who has never experienced it, but I'm here to tell them that the addictive pull works on you like anything else that's addictive. That's why you have to deal with it like a porn addiction, drugs or alcohol. That's why you can't have contact of any kind with the former affair partner. Listen, coming through those flames is not easy. I encourage the LBS to support their recovering WS when they are going through the withdrawal stages.
I drew so much strength from the board. Strangely enough, one of my most effective mentors was a lady who had a recovering wayward husband. At that time, he was back home and they were piecing.....but they had been through so much, and her wisdom spoke to my fogged out brain, and helped me tremendously. I also butted heads with a couple of strong minded LBH's who had had wayward wives, and I think at the end of the day, we learned something from each other. Anyway, I will always appreciate the people who were on the board back then. We still have some dedicated folks on the board today. And, I am still learning from the LBH's. I've learned from them about the pain my own H went through, more than I learned from him telling me.
Okay, I wanted to ask a couple of questions. Are you struggling to forgive yourself? That's a biggie, isn't it?
Have you read any material from the Gottman Institute on healing and loving again after an affair? Many sources address healing for the betrayed spouse, but there are actually some who address both spouses and the challenges they face as a couple after an affair. I don't know if you and your W are in any type of couple's therapy, but I would encourage you to check out Dr. Gottman's material.
How is your W doing? Is she showing much anger/resentment? Does she seem vindictive? Do you think she would be willing to receive couple's therapy, or work with you in reading information that would help? I feel many couples believe they can figure it out on their own, but how many of us have those skills? Most of us need help from an unbiased and experienced professional.
I was warned that my OM would probably contact me at some later point. Sure enough, about a year later (can't remember exactly) he called me......at work. He started off the conversation as though we were picking up where we left off. It freaked me a little b/c I had read too many fatal attraction stories...….so that warning helped me to be calm and give a firm response. I told him in no uncertain terms that the A had been the worst mistake of my life, that I loved my H and was going to make my M work. I think he got the message loud and clear b/c I've never heard from him again. I consider myself very, very blessed, b/c everyone does not get away from the AP as easily.
I want you to know that you are not alone, Neffer. You can get through this withdrawal period. Don't give up. I hope your IC is helping.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi sandi, thanks for your answer. Reading what you posted here makes me remember the first time I came across this forum. What you had posted then and what you are saying now could have been perfectly written by me. All your descrption matches my feelings inside the mist, the twilight zone. So I get it when you say we are trying to do the right thing without will power. It´s like getting on board a sailboat knowing the course to take but sitting there waiting for the winds...Well they are not coming along. We had to row. So we rowed, then it came the breeze.
So this forum was/is the wind I need/ed. I surreptitiously followed for nearly a year, then I became a member and slowly dared to post the now usual stupidities . Just like you, I´m getting the strength from my DB brothers and sisters, the crew of the sailboat.
I told you on my previous post that actually I´m focused on getting away of the fantasy life I developed. I need to live my real life. I remember reading something that you posted years ago when you said you even wanted your H to dissappear to have the idylic R with OM. Well I felt something similar when my waywardness times. I´m much better now and moving forward, away from the mist. Like you said I treat myself like and adict and take my days one by one. I´m not blaming adiction on the choices I made or I´m making right now. I take care of my actions and I have the strength of will to be the captain of my boat (thank you Steve!).
W has done her own work. I have been encouraging her to do some IC but she´s very stubborn. I´ll keep trying. I´m working on my NGS behaviors that got the MR in danger. We are in a better place, on the same boat and sailing with S13. Each day is better than the previous. Sometimes we come across triggers that make W sad or angry...well I validate and face the storm. I know I have damaged her, I live with that every day. She is the lighthouse, I love that girl. I don´t know if I have forgiven myself...I don´t dare to think about it. I never blame W on nothing of what I did. Maybe we are both accountable for the disconection we had somewhere on the MR but the steps I decided to take after that are my own failure. Thanks for the advice on what material to check. I´m doing that.
I´m still doing my inner voyage. Still fighting fears. Actually I´m figthing my fears of knowing my real father. I´m still protecting my mother secret so I must keep working on that. Those were some MLC triggers some time ago. Need to resolve that, abandonment and childhood related feelings.
Thank you Sandi. Being yourself in my position times ago let you know how much you have helped me. You are my Jack Three Beans! THANK YOU!
I´ll keep fighting, never give up. I am where I have chosen to be. Standing here. S13 and W sailing with me. Can´t ask for more.
Life is living. We must enjoy that journey, hapiness is there, on that endless road.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Sandi and Neffer, such great advice here, as always thanks so much. As a LBW it is so hard to understand the extreme WS perspective but reading here helps so much. Also, I am not sure most WAS have the grit and commitment you possess, it might be value system or just personalities. To make mistakes is human, if we hadnt none of us would be here WAS or LBS. Neffer, In your own sitch, did it take declining of your A to get clarity or was it seeing your W let go that reminded of what was being lost?
Hi Sia, thank you for passing by. The A didn´t decline then, I decided to stop it. Like many times before. That time OW chose to call my W so you can imagine the rest...I stayed a month out from home, still seeing OW. But that was not my place. W showed me her light and her love letting me go.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Hi Neffer. Really appreciate reading about your journey. Wondering if you have read any of my sitch? It would be great to have your insights. My H has been emotionally "gone" for four years at least. I want to keep hope alive but, at the same time, I feel like doing so really gets in my way and is setting me up for more bomb days ahead. So how does one let go but still maintain some kind of hope? It seems to me that the two are not compatible.
Hi DV. Thanks for posting. Yes I have read your sitch. Your H must want to do his inner voyage to heal himself. Easier to say than to do. You have travelled a long way DV...keep your light shining. Hope is a resilient spark, it hides somewhere. But you need to live your life girl. So keep your hope there but control your expectations. You are a role model for your kids, teach them how to have a healthy life. You must give them the example.
Stay strong there DV. Proud of who you are: the lighthouse.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Thank you. I don't think I've ever worked harder at something than I have this. As much as I love this board and the people on here who have given me so much support, I am looking forward to the day when I don't feel compelled to log on multiple times a day to remind myself of my goals and to boost my mind set. I want this to become something that I just DO without having to think about it much.
. Just like you, I´m getting the strength from my DB brothers and sisters, the crew of the sailboat. 
