Maybe a typo or I wrote it wrong in my post. She thought the most important thing to me was us being together and married (she didn't say that) but its actually each of us being healthy and happy individually. For two reasons- thats whats most important and also because thats the only way we can have a good relationship.
The lying to me the whole separation. W explained its none of my business in the past but she lied instead so we didnt fight. Obviously this is wrong and I think she has a different case of NGS - caring too much about what other people thing, guilt for not being able to please everyone etc. Anyway at this point we are closer to on the same page than we've been in a long time. Although not anywhere near a R... W said she would divorce over marry at this point because she couldnt keep it together to be married to me or anyone right now. But 4-5 months ago W gave it a 5% chance to R... now she seems to be closer to 50%.
MC doesnt take sht. She basically said all that has to stop for now because its too confusing - sex, texting all the time etc. Back and forth and pursuit / distance isnt good for anyone. Especially me- sht hurts. + W needs to figure out what she wants. And actually have time and space to do that. MC said W needs to work on forgiveness, and both of us need to work on respect and boundaries. I need to really give her space (Duh). So Im trying to do that.
I definitely feel worse when Im alone. W and I are different in this regard, I like being around people it gives me energy. I did talk about this in MC knowing that W thought we were too different... really I think its ok to be different she may want to get lunch with 1 friend while I want to coach and be around 60 kids... we get our needs met through others. I have been reaching out to friends and reconnected with an old friend and roommate. He and I are going to get lunch every week or two so Im really looking forward to rebuilding that friendship.
Back to being alone, I think the #1 biggest thing is D4. Its like a part of me is missing when I dont have her. When I know Im not going to see her for 3 nights, not the one to pick her up from school etc. The next part is obviously wanting my needs met. My love language is physical touch and quality time which go hand in hand... having that so recently with W makes the absence feel even greater when the tank is on low. I think some of my issues with being alone go back to childhood abandonment issues. Im aware of it, and need to continue to work on it. Basically just do whatever Im scared of. So I havent looked to do anything but be alone the last two days. Tomorrow I have a bunch of meetings and work night again.
Sent W schedule waiting for response on that. Fri I am off all day, will get D4 after school but have to coach 930AM Sat. So its really up to W if she wants overnight because she will have to get / meet for D4 early Sat. I will push to have her w me if needed but she will probably want time alone.
We did talk on the phone just a bit ago. W posted a selfie on IG and I made a mistake of asking her if she was looking for attention from all her IG guys... we both have some friends on there weve dated... I think next therapy appt I talk about unfriending these people... actually maybe I just do it first?
I asked W if she wants to do lunch or go to a park Fri or Sat (my parents want to come up to see D4). I could also do Mon... then I go away midweek next week. Id like to have one of these friend dates or whatever the fck go well before I leave for my trip.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, your sitch is so so ADHD to me! Jumping from one thing to the next very fast. People have told you to slow down before, I think that is very good advice in your sitch. You are constantly going 100 MPH. Stop. Breathe. Let things settle down.
Your W continues to yo-yo you, and you continue to go up and down on the string like a good soldier.
You have a problem being alone, so don't! GAL like a madman. Also continue to detach. You just haven't done enough work in that regard, it shows in every action and post. Seriously, asking her about her IG selfie?!? Dude, you are advanced enough in your sitch to know better than that. Your impulsiveness will kill you.
Every time you give into impulse you set yourself back. You send a message to her that she still has you on a string. That her support is secure for another month. That she can do whatever she wants, and then throw you an occasional bone to set the hook again.
Your C sounds like a decent one. So rely on them for a lot of this. But be sure you are staying busy, GAL, and working on detachment. Everything else is bad and will not get you where you need to be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve - agree. Thanks for the repetitive advice and still being there. Detachment is 100% a focus of mine moving forward.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
W and I have lunch date planned for Fri. Going to have a few topics ready for quality conversation. Pretty low on expectations at this point in regard to actually having full R. I guess Im a doer and in this I cant really do anything to make it happen. Patience / detachment... going to reread detachment.
Asked MC for book recommendations. Any books you guys recommend... divorce remedy? Ha... No more mr nice guy again for the 3rd time...... I got the first one below.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fck by Manson is a phenomenal book so grab that one (it’s a serious psychology book)
The Universe Has Your Back by Bernstein
The Angry Therapists book is great too A No BS guide to finding and living your truth
Ask and it is Given is phenomenal (but more spiritual than anything else-) By Esther and Jerry Hicks
Unmedicated by Madisyn Taylor is pretty awesome too-
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
What are your hobbies? Do you have friends? Join a group! Fill up the tank yourself, and don't rely on your W to do so. Join a group fitness class, book club, anything. You say that the most important is being happy as individuals, but you seem to completely work off your wife, being with her, the moods she is in, and what she does.
IMHO, the two of you need to heal as individuals before you can heal as a couple. There appears to be a lot of counseling. No wonder you can't clear your head! When a person has various sources of counseling, it's bound to lead to confusion at some point. Know what I mean? One counselor is going to advise you to do one thing, the other counselor will advise you differently, and you come to the board and may hear yet another avenue of advice...…..so, a person can have too much.
Listen, I know you desperately want to resume your life with your W. I'm not saying it will never happen. I'm saying that she needs to heal as an individual, and to do it apart from you and the MR. Otherwise, it's all enmeshed together and she will continue to see you & the MR as her problem.
I'm going to say this once more, and then I'm through b/c you are going to butt with your own head. Stay away from her, and stop communicating except when it directly concerns the child. Give her space, whether or not she asks for it. Give her freedom and time to deal with whatever issues she has that is not connected to you/MR. Once she heals, then the two of you can go to MC for guidance through piecing.
Having a date night once a week, and having a "sleepover" weekly is not giving her space. Having lunch dates is not giving her space. Responding to texts that are not regarding the child, is not giving her space. Her texts are mostly about "her", not the child. In the past, you would attempt pulling away, but you have NGS and couldn't resist. Tell her you are setting her free. Tell her not to contact you unless it is regarding the child. Then start healing and growing as an individual, and I suggest you not become involved with another lady, due to your own vulnerability. If you decide you don't want to rebuild a MR with your W, then get a D before you begin dating. As long as you see yourself giving her time and space to heal, and as long as you are hoping the MR can resume...….then don't proceed with a D, and don't engage in dating.
These are tough decisions, but I believe it is the only way the M has hope for the future.
You seriously need to learn how to address your NGS.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Get the NMMNG book! I can send you mine! Very eye opening....have to stop the actions of a NG. All I see is myself waiting under the table for the scraps to fall like my two dogs do. Makes you want to kick your own ars to change asap.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I will read NMMNG again, slowly and take notes and make sure it sinks in more. It was eye opening the first time I read it as I related to a ton of the issues with NGS.
The first day or two after MC I felt worse - going from sex and thinking we were piecing to dating 1x every 2 weeks and taking it so slow. I understand this is the healthy approach. But obviously it is not as fun, sexy etc... but it's time to figure this out and act like adults. Now after a couple days I feel better. Although I'm unsure if / how things will work out. It's hard for me to believe us not seeing each other or talking will make us come closer together. I think this will allow me to detach. I am able to concentrate on work better and I've been sleeping better.
I have not reached out to W. She has texted me some and I've been brief. She has sent voicenotes with pics from D4 and facetimed the last two mornings. This morning she texted me she was supposed to get her period and hadn't she was nervous. A couple hours later she got it. We did talk about just having to trust each other. I think we're on the same page finally. We have talked on the phone once or twice when she has texted me a bunch I've called when I was free. Said I didn't want to text so much. Being less available.
I workout, do yoga hopefully once a week, read, coach, journal, play lacrosse, I had lunch with an old friend today, we are going to get lunch weekly. I am going to start hiking more, and want to continue to travel. I go to Hawaii next week for 5 days. Putting some strain on W to have D4 more but it is what it is.
Yes I need to slow down and be patient, this isn't a game I can work harder to win in the 4th quarter. Working on myself. According to an astrologer my mind is the fastest in the zodiac based on my birth chart. Slowww down.....
Accepting W has a lot of work to do on herself and I cant do it for her. Accept that the only thing I can control is myself no matter how positive I am or how much love I feel, it's not my timetable. Her needs matter as much as my own and they are very different.
So we have a lunch date tomorrow, Im going to her house around 10am and will hang w D4 then take her to school then we go to lunch. When we first connected (we knew each other a little bit in college), we slept together a bunch of times the first night.... now we are dating and not sleeping together and hoping to build trust and friendship. We have always struggled with communication. Going to think of some good topics for lunch convo tomorrow. Wish me luck. Thanks for the support.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
