T patience. San Francisco wasn't rebuilt in a day after the 1906 earthquake. Your MR went through an 8.0 magnitude earthquake. Let the rebuilding take the time it needs.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wow what a weekend. Haunted house friday night w/ son and some friends. Had a good time.
W's sister, husband, and 3 kids from out of state basically surprised us by coming to stay for the weekend. Same sister who is hellbent on divorcing her H, and is manic bipolar. Long story, but due to them coming, W and I couldn't go to a wedding on Saturday. No biggie, but even W said she wasn't happy about it because it would have been a nice, romantic night out for us.
Aside from nonstop awkwardness and mayhem, it wasn't too bad though. I wasn't in the greatest of moods because I was sick, but I sucked it up the best I could. W slept in the bed w/ me the last 3 nights, and even sat on the couch and watched a movie last night. I really need to keep reminding myself to not let my feelings get the best of me, cause I'm feeling closer and more attracted to my W than I have in years. Sounds dumb, but almost like I"m falling in love with her all over again. If we do fully reconcile, that will serve me well in the future with her. But if we don't, I'm settign myself up for another crash.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I also still can't get out of my mind that W has no sexual attraction for me. I said in MC that it's a physical attraction, but to me physical and sexual attractions are different. And if she doesn't have a sexual attraction to me (as evidenced by never wanting sex with me, never initiating, and blatantly hitting on another man), then are we just wasting our time with all this other stuff (MC, working on M, etc)? Maybe a woman can answer this, but even if she flat out hated me, you'd think at least once in a while she'd have the desire to have sex with me right?
My H also thinks that I am not sexually attracted to him, because our sex life has always been just o.k., and in later years just going through the motions. It's not him physically. He is handsome and well built. Women need lots of emotional attention, non-sexual touching, and lot's of verbal affirmations way before they hit the bedroom. . I wasn't getting any of this from H for years, so no wonder I wasn't into it. The best sex we every had was a period of time for about 2 years after an affair (his) when he put tons of time and attention into me. Then he stopped. Guess what, sex sucked again. So, from my point of view, if I'm not getting what I need outside of the bedroom, I don't want sex. Especially if I hated H. Which I don't.
I really need to keep reminding myself to not let my feelings get the best of me, cause I'm feeling closer and more attracted to my W than I have in years. Sounds dumb, but almost like I"m falling in love with her all over again. If we do fully reconcile, that will serve me well in the future with her. But if we don't, I'm settign myself up for another crash.
Doesn't sound dumb...AT ALL. This is exactly what happened with my W and I. After years of me loving but not being in love. And not even really being attracted to her anymore, the fact that since March we have been working on reconnecting and closeness, all of those feelings I had when we were dating are back. I think she is the smartest, best-looking, most talented woman in the world again. And I can't believe I ever let my bitterness and anger affect that.
So embrace that. I think you guys are in the early stages of reconnection and becoming close. Early steps of reconciling. I believe you guys are in MC, right? I don't think we would have made it through reconciliation without MC.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I also still can't get out of my mind that W has no sexual attraction for me. I said in MC that it's a physical attraction, but to me physical and sexual attractions are different. And if she doesn't have a sexual attraction to me (as evidenced by never wanting sex with me, never initiating, and blatantly hitting on another man), then are we just wasting our time with all this other stuff (MC, working on M, etc)? Maybe a woman can answer this, but even if she flat out hated me, you'd think at least once in a while she'd have the desire to have sex with me right?
My H also thinks that I am not sexually attracted to him, because our sex life has always been just o.k., and in later years just going through the motions. It's not him physically. He is handsome and well built. Women need lots of emotional attention, non-sexual touching, and lot's of verbal affirmations way before they hit the bedroom. . I wasn't getting any of this from H for years, so no wonder I wasn't into it. The best sex we every had was a period of time for about 2 years after an affair (his) when he put tons of time and attention into me. Then he stopped. Guess what, sex sucked again. So, from my point of view, if I'm not getting what I need outside of the bedroom, I don't want sex. Especially if I hated H. Which I don't.
Thanks Grace. That's pretty much exactly what W has said to me, and said in MC. It's just hard for me (a man) to see it that way sometimes.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I really need to keep reminding myself to not let my feelings get the best of me, cause I'm feeling closer and more attracted to my W than I have in years. Sounds dumb, but almost like I"m falling in love with her all over again. If we do fully reconcile, that will serve me well in the future with her. But if we don't, I'm settign myself up for another crash.
Doesn't sound dumb...AT ALL. This is exactly what happened with my W and I. After years of me loving but not being in love. And not even really being attracted to her anymore, the fact that since March we have been working on reconnecting and closeness, all of those feelings I had when we were dating are back. I think she is the smartest, best-looking, most talented woman in the world again. And I can't believe I ever let my bitterness and anger affect that.
So embrace that. I think you guys are in the early stages of reconnection and becoming close. Early steps of reconciling. I believe you guys are in MC, right? I don't think we would have made it through reconciliation without MC.
Makes sense. Yeah we've been to two MC sessions. But I guess similar to when you're dating someone, you're never really sure how the other person feels. I guess I can't worry about that too much. She still contradicts herself quite a bit, like saying how 'we're still just seeing what's going to happen', then turning around and talking about a home renovation or a vacation next summer.
You make a good point about the bitterness and anger. Like me, I'm sure you're feelings weren't entirely baseless at the time. But now it's almost like I'm choosing to be happy with her, where before I was choosing to be unhappy because of how I perceived things. Yesterday she took our son to a birthday party most of the afternoon. The last few years, I would have been dancing a jig at having hours to myself watching football in peace. I was yesterday too, but also actually missing her at the same time, and couldn't wait for them to get home.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
You make a good point about the bitterness and anger. Like me, I'm sure you're feelings weren't entirely baseless at the time. But now it's almost like I'm choosing to be happy with her, where before I was choosing to be unhappy because of how I perceived things. Yesterday she took our son to a birthday party most of the afternoon. The last few years, I would have been dancing a jig at having hours to myself watching football in peace. I was yesterday too, but also actually missing her at the same time, and couldn't wait for them to get home.
SPOT ON! This is me exactly since piecing and R. Prior to BD I relished not being around her. Whether I was up north, or home alone. Now I choose to be happy with her! T, that was very profound my friend. You are well on your way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You make a good point about the bitterness and anger. Like me, I'm sure you're feelings weren't entirely baseless at the time. But now it's almost like I'm choosing to be happy with her, where before I was choosing to be unhappy because of how I perceived things. Yesterday she took our son to a birthday party most of the afternoon. The last few years, I would have been dancing a jig at having hours to myself watching football in peace. I was yesterday too, but also actually missing her at the same time, and couldn't wait for them to get home.
SPOT ON! This is me exactly since piecing and R. Prior to BD I relished not being around her. Whether I was up north, or home alone. Now I choose to be happy with her! T, that was very profound my friend. You are well on your way.
So that leads to the question of, when your feelings started to change, how did you handle being unsure of her feelings towards you (if that was the case)? Did you just continue to press forward with trying to be happy with her and not worry about what she was thinking/feeling, or did you proceed cautiously, thinking there's a chance it could blow up again? not sure I'm explaining that correctly. lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
You make a good point about the bitterness and anger. Like me, I'm sure you're feelings weren't entirely baseless at the time. But now it's almost like I'm choosing to be happy with her, where before I was choosing to be unhappy because of how I perceived things. Yesterday she took our son to a birthday party most of the afternoon. The last few years, I would have been dancing a jig at having hours to myself watching football in peace. I was yesterday too, but also actually missing her at the same time, and couldn't wait for them to get home.
SPOT ON! This is me exactly since piecing and R. Prior to BD I relished not being around her. Whether I was up north, or home alone. Now I choose to be happy with her! T, that was very profound my friend. You are well on your way.
So that leads to the question of, when your feelings started to change, how did you handle being unsure of her feelings towards you (if that was the case)? Did you just continue to press forward with trying to be happy with her and not worry about what she was thinking/feeling, or did you proceed cautiously, thinking there's a chance it could blow up again? not sure I'm explaining that correctly. lol
This falls under the category of controlling what you can control. I can't control her feelings. Either she was going to be reattracted to me or she wasn't. Remember, attraction is mostly about respect. Act in ways that command respect. You'll know without a doubt when she starts respecting you again.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
