Whirlwind of Hurt 3

[Twofeet]

Here is an interesting turn of events......
Wife petitioned for D using our mediator/lawyer. I recieved the petition and acceptance of service in an email yesterday while at work. W decided to file in the county that the city is in, which is the same county she is buying her house in. It appears that county is backed up a bit and we can't get going on this till around of the end of the year. I scheduled with my W to talk about all this later today.

Currently I am having mixed thoughts about emotions this. Is this a good sign or bad? I pray to God daily for guidance to show me the purpose and direction in my life. Am I being given the gift of time? I have to address the house purchase with her since everything is not happening as fast as she thought. She might be putting the cart before the horse. If so is she going to stay in the house until the end of the year? If she separates and we are still M do we need to set ground rules for S? Good news is that it looks like we will likely file taxes as M so that should save us some money.

Is this delay going to be an opportunity or a burden? I will report back after the W and I talk.

[neffer]

Time is always welcome. It gives you the chance to keep working on yourself, keep DB.

Cool, calm collected when talking to W. You need TF 2.0 with you. You can do that.

[LH19]

If she separates and we are still M do we need to set ground rules for the S.

Can you elaborate more on what you mean by this question? If you mean finances, childcare stuff then yes. If you mean you trying to control her personal decisions then no.

[burned]

Just my two cents. I'm a DB disaster so take it all with a grain of salt.

I can tell you from my side, ground rules for S would have been great. Less to argue about later when you're not face-to-face. Put them in writing if you can. I agree w/ LH19, discuss business decisions only.

The gift of time: take it, but don't change your expectations. Act as if it's still going to happen. I've seen a few stories around here about Ws who back out before the 11th hour.

It ain't over 'til it's over.

[Twofeet]

I will post and update of all that has gone down today both good and bad when I have some privacy tonight.

For now just wanted to say W is reading the 5 love languages. WTF?

[LH19]

TF,

Do not mind read. My ex read relationship books while going through D. Apparently for future relationships.

Stay the course!

[Twofeet]

TF,

Do not mind read. My ex read relationship books while going through D. Apparently for future relationships.

Stay the course!

Curiosity got the best of me so I asked her last night why she was reading that book. She said it's one of the books the IC recommended her to read. She said that it's to help her with having too high of expectations and lowering that. She started getting a little uncomfortable in her explanation so I just told her that it was between her and her C. She said it's not a romance thing. I said I know what it is about I already read it. That surprised her a bit. She wanted to know when and if she could read my copy and return hers. I said a few months ago. I borrowed a copy. From your sister she said? Yes I replied. She asked for a brief synopsis and what was my LL. I gave it, I am pretty much 50/50 PT & QT. You only like me touching you she said. Yes, that's why it's a LL, I told her. I said that and PT from the kids, which is love but obviously different. I told her I know her primary LL without her taking the test. She asked what it is. I told her AoS. She whole heartedly agreed. She said she might want to talk about our LL after she finished the book. I told her we could discuss it if she wants to. I said that the book is typically for married couples looking to improve their marriage or marriage on the rocks needing repair. I said I am not sure it's for married couples getting D. She said she didn't know the why C wanted her to read this book specifically wrt to our sitch other than what she had mentioned before. We said our goodnights then I went to bed.

[Twofeet]

Ok so here is how the weekend went down. I was supposed to talk to the W Friday, but this is my busy season at work. We had some unexpected delays and I didn't get home until really late. Pulled a 16 hour day Friday....Ugg. Anyway Sat W gets up and goes down to sleep on S bed since S was up early as usual. I got up and started doing my thing, lifting weights, making breakfast, I had a list of chores I wanted to get through. W gets up midday, goes in the bathroom to shower etc. tells me she is feeling really down, thinks its her time of the month. I validate and sympathize the best a man can. She isn't really enforcing her privacy boundary as she is standing in her underwear. I just act as if she was fully clothed. We talk about the D filing. She says everything should just keep moving along. I say we have a RO on our assets and kids. W says mediator/lawyer says if we are in agreement we can proceed. I tell her that it looks like the paper work says fines and jail time. She says are you going to contact the court because the court isn't going to check up on us. I tell her I want to check up with mediator/lawyer on Monday if we are golden then you are good to go. She gets frustrated, but concedes. We talk about if things proceed and we are M till the end of the year, but separated that we need to follow all our child rearing plans, asset splits etc. We start talking about rooms and the stuff we need to split. I want to set up a boundary wrt being married separated, but no dating. She says we won't be married I tell her we will still be legal married even if in her eyes we are not and I want to respect the M. She says she wont be doing any dating and she needs to work on herself. I continue with the boundary speech wrt basically saying that I have too much respect to the M, myself and my children to allow the boundary to be broken. She still is agreement, but says it feels like a veiled threat. I said there is no threat. This is how I feel and I am going to honor our M till its end. We then go back to small talk. S comes in to love on his Mom. We talk about how great S is and we share a pretty intimate moment (non-sexual) wrt S.

Later I give her a list of things we need since she says she wants to run errands. MIL comes to pick up both Ds for some quality time. It is now W, S, and I. Wife is getting ready to leave. She starts talking surface level talk. Then she says "TF do I have a mustache?" I am thinking huh? Its a head jerk question. Well, I walk over to her to look tell her I am going to invade her bubble she says its OK so I put my hand on her face and turn her head in the light. "No, I don't see anything" I say. Then I back up and go back to cleaning up in the kitchen. She then talks about how she thought she saw it in the light at her work. I validate and then tell her lighting can make people look good or bad but I didn't see anything. She then goes on talking about her bodily imperfections (some sexual related) and how I am normal and I don't have any imperfections. At this point I feel like she is laying some bait for me. For as successful as she is in her career she doesn't necessarily have the highest self esteem, and has always relied on me being her cheerleader. Hell, before D I was her #1 fan and let her know about it. Anyway, I feel this is a temp check, but not sure as I almost take the bait. "Well, you know how I feel and what I have always said about your imperfections." She give me a look, like the looks she would give me before BD, a loving look. I am being very careful so I change subject with her. I stay friendly and joke around till her and S leave.

That evening she wants to talk to me about her family and she wants me to watch her show with her. She and I talk about splitting up material goods. She of course wants more money, but I don't budge she gets pissy. She starts talking about how my perspective is warped (this internally starts to anger me) and how uncaring I am blah, blah, blah. I validate her frustration, but I am not agreeing with her. I tell her I need to see the final picture before I agree to anything. She starts getting on my nerves, but I stay calm. She is getting a little vindictive and I tell her do you want to go tit for tat and split it up. If you don't want it you sell it I am not just going to write a check for stuff she doesn't want. She starts talking about what each of us have contributed to the M financially. At this point I am calm, but I have had enough of her B.S. so I said who's inheritance paid for your master degree that allowed you to climb that corporate ladder. She gets really pissy and I am not going to escalate this into a fight. So I say have we not had a good day today? She says yes. I say I would like to keep it that way. I am not going argue with you about this, it's getting petty and we need to stop. I tell her I need to walk away from this until we can calm down. She agrees to stop but wants me to stay, so we continue our evening. Later after I have thought about it I mention to her that everyone has their own perspective. No one perspective is warped or twisted. If we asked 100 people the same thing we could get 100 different views. It doesn't make it necessarily right or wrong. I can only be responsible for my actions and she can only be responsible for hers. I was feeling a little bit bad for her so I pulled S into my bed so she could sleep in S bed. That night was the 5 LL talk from the previous post.

Today, Sunday I went to church then came home. She was in a good mood. At lunch she invited me upstairs to have lunch with her while she watched her show. Then she went to show her sister the house she planned on buying. She asks me where to buy fixtures, I tell her then she says her Dad will install them in her new house. I tell her its a pretty easy job why don't you do it yourself. It must have been a confidence booster by the look on her face and she says she just might. She then leaves. I GAL with the kids and do some more handy jobs around the house. I had planned on going to her parents house for some dinner with kids. W is back home by now and decides to join. Was talkative on the way there. Wants my advice and/or help on a vehicle she wants to purchase. Wants to purchase it before the D, but after she moves in her house. Its not a cheap vehicle, but she has always been a good negotiator so I am sure she will get a good deal even if this potentially over extends her. I am not going to give her financial advice anymore, but if she wants my opinion of a vehicle I can do that. Anyway dinner went really well. Ride home was kind of quiet as she is a bit worn out. Evening GAL with kids. W and I talk about how the weekend was a good one said good nights all around.

I think my DB is going well as far as making some progress with her, but not really towards the MR just towards her being friendly. DB for myself is feeling squirrelly. I quell the emotions in front of her, but inside I am feeling too much yearning for her. I am not detached enough, I don't deserve to be put through this circus. I deserve a good R with a spouse who works through problems with me and doesn't turn tail and run when things are hard. I am a little angry as I type out all this. I feel this whole thing is ridiculous. This whole sitch just feels stupid right now. Why the hell is she doing this. Why did I marry someone who cant be told the oven is hot. Why does she have to burn herself to learn. Why do I feel like I have to constantly bend over backwards? Feel like I should be able to kiss my own a$$ from all the bending over backwards. I am not the best H, but I am better than this. Just lots of frustration. I think DB is a good approach to handling this sitch I just am frustrated that I fell in this hole and I haven't gotten out of it yet.

Sorry long post and like most of my post I usually don't take the time to proof read for errors.

[Twofeet]

D@mnit I am not done ranting. Before BD things had been really good this year. Careers with better work life balance. I was doing more and more around the house and with the kids. More than I ever had time to before. Fewer fights than we ever had. We did plenty of family activities every weekend. W would tell ppl we were in love and would never get divorced. W and I went on dates or found things to do together outside of date night. Sex was good and frequent. Hell, weekend before BD we went on a daytime date, held hands said I love yous, wine tasting, lunch, walking around exploring the city arm in arm, we even had sex that day. I mean WTF?!

Over the course of this year her moods weren't the best and she would say she was depressed, but I gave her space and support when she needed it. Yet here I am in this sh!tty sitch texting this in the mbr w my S sleeping in it with me again so W can sleep in his bed cause her back is hurting. She should be sleeping in our bed cuddled up next to me. I just tired of this B.S. Gotta get out of this hole.

[LH19]

TF,

I think you are being too hard on yourself. There is no way you can detach completely in this little time.

A couple notes from reading your post. You can hold up your end of the marriage vows to the end but you can't force her too. What boundaries can you set? What are the consequences if broken? See what I mean? I would just let it go.

Second note, why are you having dinner at her parents, watching shows with her and going up stairs to have lunch with her? That needs to stop immediately. If you want her to change her mind you need to show her how life will be with out you in it. Right now you are not her buddy, her therapist someone she runs questions by. That can happen in the future when/if you realize you are better off without her and she is just the mother of your children to you.