Whirlwind of Hurt 3

[Twofeet]

R2C,

I know we need to not show our cards, I guess at the time explaining how I knew made sense to me. I also feel at this point she isn't going to hide anything. She knows that I have been pretty tight with finances post BD since we have to split assets. She also knows that I have the upper hand with her getting what she wants, i.e. signing off my rights/claims to loans and deeds/titles to houses, cars, etc. she wants to purchase pre-D. She is around 20 to 23 days from closing on her house and getting the hell away from me as I think she feels most of the time. It feels like she is just going coast and be pleasant to me until till she is on her own. Then it will be interesting to see what happens next.

Lately I have been thinking about two things. 1) Details of breaking the news to the children. 2) How dark should I go when she move out.

Btw due to delays in the court system we probably wont be D until sometime Jan.

[Ready2Change]

1) Details of breaking the news to the children.

I was reading through my quotes thread looking for some ideas. No luck.

Your kids are the age mine were when I D. Wife just blurted out that we were divorcing. No plan. No Talking to me about it. S5 Flipped out. Expressed all his anger. S7 and D4 didn't react much. Of course now, S5 is now S17 and the most healthy. The other two have repressed issues.


I know some DBers made it clear to spouse that the spouse was to let the kids know that it was her choice, not WE decided.

Words like this "Mommy doesn't want to be married to Daddy any more"



These are from my book list:
Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids by Isolina Ricci
"Does Wednesday Mean Mom's House or Dad's" by Marc J. Ackerman Ph.D.
It has been to long for me to remember details. There may be better books.

2) How dark should I go when she move out.

Might want to read this thread for ideas:
Link to quotes 3

[LH19]

TF,

I have to totally disagree with RTC in regards to the talk with the children. If you are truly thinking about the best interest of the children then you do not use the blame game. Your kids are way to young to understand what is going on. Trust me when I tell you that they will figure out the truth when they are older and there will be consequences for your wife. Now DON'T LIE, just deflect the truth.

I.E. NOW: Your child: Daddy why are you getting divorced.
TF: Honey, its really complicated and has to do with adult issues between mom and I. It has absolutely nothing to do with you kids. We both love you so much.

IE: Older: I think you should ask your mother that question

IMO LBS try to use this is a tactic to get their spouse to change their mind. Again you don't want that to be the reason she stays.

My daughter is struggling with the D right now. If she knew it was my Ws decision it would definitely put a barrier in their relationship.

Lastly, I also don't agree with that conversation with your wife. I bet to her you came off sounding like your her father. She was pissy because she has a father and doesn't need another one. Remember, right now she is acting like a teenager so the last thing she wants to hear is a lecture. That is why she wants to live on her own.

Come on TF you are doing a great job so far don't not backslide. Open the cage door.

[equalzr]

T, they hate being caught in a lie and confronted with their actions as well, so being defensive and lashing out is their usual go to. I agree w/ what R2C said, you did the right thing but less is best.

[ovrrnbw]

I'm torn on telling them the truth if it isn't a mutual divorce. It's definitely not lying to say

TF: Honey, its really complicated and has to do with adult issues between mom and I. It has absolutely nothing to do with you kids. We both love you so much.

But the kids are pretty young at this age, I don't know about doing it in this case. It really depends IMO. Will every WAS see it as pressure? No. But most will.

Again you don't want that to be the reason she stays.

No, but the WAS should consider a reason to work on the MR and make it better. I guess we could write a book on what they SHOULD be doing.

I bet to her you came off sounding like your her father. She was pissy because she has a father and doesn't need another one.

I also feel at this point she isn't going to hide anything

And that is why you hire a lawyer, b/c you cannot look at the situation objectively. Your feelings will cloud your judgment. I would say almost every divorced person would disagree with you, and tell you that your statement is not a smart position to hold.

2) How dark should I go when she move out.

Completely. Move on. Did you talk to all your exes after you broke up? The best way, statistically, to get your ex back is to move on. I posted about it a while back. Exboyfriendrecovery has all the stats and info there.

[Twofeet]

Ok it looks like I need to clarify some things.

1) I wanted the W to know I know she is lying. I wanted her to know drinking and driving is not OK. She can be selfish all she wants and she can think I came off sounding like her father. However, she also has 3 kids to worry about. She can be as stupid as she wants to be, however she needs to be safe. If she continues to make bad life choices that end up with her in legal trouble or putting the kids at risk she knows I will swoop in and pull them out of a bad sitch and that will be that. If the roles were reversed she would likely do the same. If W wants to make the gutless decision to D the least she can do is be careful because the kids deserve their Mother and she deserves the kids regardless of how selfish she is currently being.

2) I should have clarified on telling the kids. We know how and are in agreement on the how. It is just the when and the anticipation of that event. I refuse to tell the kids as a mutually agreed upon decision and a united front. I will not predicate this D to the kids on a lie. My IC has given me advice similar to what MWD has stated in some of her youtube vids and articles. They will know that its not a mutual decision, but at this young age they will not be given details. Only that their parents love them. I think we will do it a few days before Halloween and then use that holiday as a distraction. Reading D books for kids has been really hard for me. I usually have to read them in secrecy because they make me cry often.

3) As far as anything to hide..... She can see OM if she is still doing so, nothing I can do about that, I don't even can about OM anymore. I am USDA Prime steak, no comparison to the standard grade steak that is OM. She can be a wild teenager if she so chooses so, still nothing I can do. I am only in control of myself. What I am not worried about is her hiding things in terms of finances I would see it before she knows. As I have said in previous posts she isn't very good with personal finance, hence why I have to do all of it. If she goes out and has the party life its going to be on someone else dime. We are so close to the final hour i.e. the S, and our money is on a lockdown. We both are going to be strapped after this, and while her spending is often very frivolous she knows she is done till she is out. If she wants to get ridiculous and spend it all before she is out it there will be consequences. She has a house she is trying to buy. Heck because of the delay in the D she basically has to get me to tag along to sign myself off on any house, car, etc., anything our state considers community property. She also knows we have a RO on assets and if we are in a disagreement because she is going nuts on spending or stealing money its going to be fines and jail time. We are using a mediator/lawyer and while he doesn't represent us individually he is checking in on us to make sure we are playing nicely. Which we are.

Final note if this post sounds harsh, I apologize. I love and care very deeply for my wife. Unfortunately the deadline is approaching, this sitch $ucks, and I don't see an 11th hour hail mary. Its kind of put me in a cross mood. I will work through the emotions, take a walk, reset and keep moving forward.

[Twofeet]

2) How dark should I go when she move out.

Completely. Move on. Did you talk to all your exes after you broke up? The best way, statistically, to get your ex back is to move on. I posted about it a while back. Exboyfriendrecovery has all the stats and info there.

Funny thing ovrrnbw, I never had an ex. She was my first and only gf, we were HS sweethearts. I was always to busy with life to have a gf in HS until I met her. She had a boyfriend or two before me but that was early HS kids stuff. We split for at least 6 months (maybe 9?) in college, and I think she might have seen someone or dated around. It didn't bother me then because I always saw myself as the better man or the real catch. When I wasn't with her I was always content with myself.

[Ready2Change]

2) I should have clarified on telling the kids. We know how and are in agreement on the how.

If you don't mind, please share the details. What you have decided can help others in the future.

[Twofeet]

2) I should have clarified on telling the kids. We know how and are in agreement on the how.

If you don't mind, please share the details. What you have decided can help others in the future.

We are going to follow something similar to MWD script on her YouTube vids about telling kids. (W doesn't know anything about MWD btw) Something along the lines of marriage takes two people to make it work , but if there is disagreement and one parent doesnt want to be in the marriage it will not work and end in divorce. Then we will go into the we love yours, this is not your fault. You will still be loved and seen by all you grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Rough plan is a few days before Halloween, so they can use that holiday as a distraction. IC suggested having a least 1 set of grandparents over on that holiday for support for kids and to show a sense of normalcy and togetherness. This may or may not be age appropriate for everyone, but has been suggested to me for our young children. Any question with who wants to get divorced will be deflected with we love you it's not your fault, its complicated statements.

It's going to $uck, I just hope I can keep it together. I feel this will spoil the purity of our children, if that makes sense.

[Twofeet]

Just a note to add. Doing this to me is one thing. I feel that I can forgive her for what she is doing to me, and I am repentant for the part I played that lead to this. However, the idea that keeps rolling around in my head that is unresolved, is forgiveness for the children. Can I forgive, or am I willing to forgive her selfish actions, and cowardice, for not trying to work out our problems or her problems and breaking up this family? I feel that her actions are a transgression on our children and its building a deep anger in the back of my head. Maybe I am being loyal to a fault, I have been feeling that if she is not for for our family she is against our family.
These are just thoughts and feelings that have been building in my head and heart. I need to discuss these with the IC.

Meanwhile DB efforts seem to be going well, she is being nice and communicative at home, as of now. No fights, like to talk about her work and goings on. I just actively listen, empathize, validate and do nothing to fix any problems or offer advice unless asked.

The dichotomy of this post.