Wait months to tell your kids? That's not good. Plus you'd drop the bomb on the during the holidays? I am missing something?
I wouldn't lie to them and tell them it was mutual either.
Yeah I agree ovr. I've seen advice to do this, even when it is clearly one spouse walking away (and even having an affair!). I am not suggesting just completely outing your spouse as a lying cheater to your kids, but I am also not in favor of telling them it is mutual when it is not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm still GAL, detaching, and 180. W still rarely talks about anything other than the particulars of the divorce filing. Have no expectations. Have very little hope. I'm doing okay though. Child custody and support agreements are all to my liking, so there is that. W is still cold as ice. The moment I think there is a slight thaw, she goes back to being all about the divorce. It seems there is little hope in reconciliation. I'm all about making myself the best me that I can be. Part of me really wants to make her regret her decision by becoming a kick ass dude. Getting back to more of the alpha male that I was before we met. I'm not letting her walk all over me anymore. Part of being able to do that is how cold she is to me--even though she's cordial.
Wait months to tell your kids? That's not good. Plus you'd drop the bomb on the during the holidays? I am missing something?
I wouldn't lie to them and tell them it was mutual either.
I agree with this. My H still doesn't understand why I had to tell the kids now since we have only agreed to a temporary separation up to 2 months. I felt is was important not to blind-side them. Whenever I see them, they always ask about their dad...why didn't he come, what is he doing that day. I couldn't lie. They will now have time to prcess this and it will be easier to handle (but NOT easy!) if my H wants a divorce. I also told the kids (S21 and D19) that I love their dad and don't want a divorce (truth), but I could not speak for dad and if they had any questions for him they should contact him. I'm hoping this was all the right thing to do. S did speak with him yesterday, but I didn't ask what was discussed.
Part of me getting my balls back was telling W we need to tell the girls now, so we'll be telling them when I'm down there next weekend. We'll also be filing for D in the next couple of weeks.
Hi Harvey, I admit I have only skimmed over your thread, but I saw something in your first post that jumped out at me, causing a few questions. Was this southern state the same one you had initially planed to move to? Does she have relatives or friends there? Did your company pick this state or you?
The first thing I noticed that raised a red flag, is the fact she was there less than a month until she informs you she wants a D. Less than a month! Tell me why a woman would be so anxious to take her kids and move to another state, without her H...…...and four weeks later, is telling him she wants out of the M? I don't mean the excuses she gave about starting school, etc. I'm talking about what was really going on in the relationship.
So, getting personal here..........have there been previous problems in the relationship? Alcohol, drugs, anger issues, problems with in-laws, jealousy,abuse...……..or anything you recognize as being a thorn in the MR.
Has there ever been an incident where either of you were guilty of inappropriate behavior with the opposite sex? How about secret friendships, or those that exclude the other spouse? Know of any emotional affairs? Has there been any cheating from either of you?
Is your W currently employed, or does she depend totally on your income?
Here's the thing, Harvey. This screams of something going on that isn't being discussed (unless I missed it). I understand how the job and other outside stressors can affect a MR. But speaking as a woman, I just feel there is something more going on. Your W's actions don't sound like the those of a logical woman. The puzzle pieces don't fit, and I'm not seeing the whole picture. Am I missing something that has been discussed?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I appreciate the thoughts, but I don't think it was anything sinister. I think she was having doubts, moved down there, and then realized distance didn't make the heart grow fonder. My wife's family has a history of divorce. Her Dad left the family when she was one years old. She's only talked to him once in the 17 years that we've dated. Her only Grandparents (since her Dad's parents were out of the picture) got divorced after 25 years of marriage. My wife has been a bit high maintenance and she thinks there should be a Prince Charming that will come along and sweep her off her feet. I always thought it was a bit naive, but in retrospect I wish I had done more to be her Prince Charming.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Hi Harvey, I admit I have only skimmed over your thread, but I saw something in your first post that jumped out at me, causing a few questions. Was this southern state the same one you had initially planed to move to? Does she have relatives or friends there? Did your company pick this state or you?
She has no relatives down there. We've always talked about retiring in the South. We particularly like the Charleston, SC area. Moving to Georgia just got us closer, and we thought eventually my company might make me relocate down there. We thought do it now while the girls are still relatively young.
Originally Posted by sandi2
The first thing I noticed that raised a red flag, is the fact she was there less than a month until she informs you she wants a D. Less than a month! Tell me why a woman would be so anxious to take her kids and move to another state, without her H...…...and four weeks later, is telling him she wants out of the M? I don't mean the excuses she gave about starting school, etc. I'm talking about what was really going on in the relationship.
I think she was having serious doubts about the relationship for awhile. I don't really know why she decided to go through with the move anyways, but I think she finally realized she was happier without me. I obviously failed to read the signs that she was really unhappy.
Originally Posted by sandi2
So, getting personal here..........have there been previous problems in the relationship? Alcohol, drugs, anger issues, problems with in-laws, jealousy,abuse...……..or anything you recognize as being a thorn in the MR.
No. We rarely drink, no physical abuse, no problems with the in-laws, neither of us are the jealous type, no cheating. We did go through a rough spell when our older daughter was very young. She was a difficult baby, we didn't get much sleep, and we argued a lot.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Has there ever been an incident where either of you were guilty of inappropriate behavior with the opposite sex? How about secret friendships, or those that exclude the other spouse? Know of any emotional affairs? Has there been any cheating from either of you?
I have never, nor would ever, cheat on a woman I'm dating--not to mention my W. That's just the way I was raised.I've always trusted my W completely on this issue. If she was having an affair, it doesn't make sense that she'd want to move back home, not stay where she is now or move back to the state we've lived in the last 17 years.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Is your W currently employed, or does she depend totally on your income?
We both make really good money. I make a little more than her. She's also very beautiful, so I don't have any doubts that men have been interested. Maybe I'm being naive, but I've never had a reason to think she's had an A.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Here's the thing, Harvey. This screams of something going on that isn't being discussed (unless I missed it). I understand how the job and other outside stressors can affect a MR. But speaking as a woman, I just feel there is something more going on. Your W's actions don't sound like the those of a logical woman. The puzzle pieces don't fit, and I'm not seeing the whole picture. Am I missing something that has been discussed?
Are you saying that there were no relational issues, and she has given no reason for wanting a divorce, other than being apart did not cause her to miss you?
Quote
So far, I have been overly sensitive to her state and not put my foot down on anything. However, this is another reason I think I need to proceed thinking there is no hope. It might give me a backbone.
I think I just discovered the source of the problem. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Are you saying that there were no relational issues, and she has given no reason for wanting a divorce, other than being apart did not cause her to miss you?
Quote
So far, I have been overly sensitive to her state and not put my foot down on anything. However, this is another reason I think I need to proceed thinking there is no hope. It might give me a backbone.
I think I just discovered the source of the problem. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
No. I'm not saying our relationship was perfect. I think I focused on the kids too much and not enough on her. I also had an on again/off again chewing habit. I think it's where I lost her trust, to be honest. I'd quit for her, but then start up again behind her back. Ironically, I quit on August 1st (10 days before she told me she wanted a divorce), and I haven't chewed since. And I honestly think I never will again. I don't want it to be a source of problems in future relationships.
But I agree with the source of the problem. I was an alpha male before I met my W, but my W is a dominant mare. I'm not sure I ever told her no. I did not lead enough. She didn't really give me a lot of room to lead, but I still should have done it.
To get by, I think to myself that maybe life will be easier if we part. Hopefully, she will be happy. Maybe I'll find somebody who has the same interests. I used to be a big outsdoorsman (fishing, hunting, camping). My W is not into those things. I pretty much shut those things down for the past 17 years. Maybe I can find a woman who fits me more. That's how I get by, but my W isn't all beauty. She's smart, engaging, really has a good heart, is strong in her faith, is a great Mom. So, while I can try to talk myself into thinking this is the best thing for me, I know I'll miss her dearly.
I think I mentioned it before, but we did go through a rough patch in our marriage in 2009. I knew things weren't going well because we argued a lot. My W wanted a divorce. At that time I did everything wrong. I begged and pleaded for a few days, and she changed her mind. Our marriage went well for several years. We had a second daughter. I'd say the connectedness has waned off and on for the last 4-5 years. The spark died. Our sex life was good, but date nights and vacations without the kids were extremely rare. I didn't surprise my W--like I did in our early years. It was all about the kids. I have regrets for letting that happen. I fully believe the man either makes a marriage work or not. My M failed. I take the blame. I've forgiven myself though. It's not always easy. That's why there are so many people on this forum and so many people getting divorced. My second W is going to get a hell of a husband though.
