A new mindset for Burned. This is thread 7.

[burned]

Saw a comment from Steve in another thread about "logic and reason" and realized that's my biggest crutch. So starting today I'm jettisoning that and trying something "new," a.k.a. something people have been telling me to do for a while.

Problem is these changes never stick. Ask W! So I will have to hold myself accountable, and maybe my "men's group" here will hold me accountable, too.

It's amazing how far down to the basics I have to dig. Frustrating that I wasn't able to get to this point until I started detaching. Frustrating how long it took me to detach. Because there was denial, resistance, opposition.

She may never see the changes but that's her loss, I guess. I'm getting better at accepting that.

Onward.

[burned]

Quick question, unrelated to goals.

I'm suddenly feeling more detached. I still do not want D, but at this point that's really just so that I don't have to go through the process, the cost, the publicity, etc. I'd be glad to have my W back but I recall her saying "I have nothing left to give to this M" and after doing some googling to see what the non-DB recommendations are (which I assume are the ones she reads), that statement is a bad omen.

Those of you who have filed, how did you know you were ready? I wouldn't do it to appease her or to get a reaction or anything. I just don't know what that feeling feels like. I'd like to know so that I'll know if/when I feel it.

Those of you who were served, what was that like? Were you blindsided or was there some kind of buildup?

She hasn't filed but she thinks it's just a matter of putting a little document together and sending it to the judge. Sure, it won't be TOO hard, no kids, could buy the house outright with retirement savings (it is a SUPER cheap house), I could sign a quit claim, etc.

I suggested a mediator and she seemed to think that was more than we needed. Not gonna try to interpret or mind read. Maybe she's completely terrified and uncertain. Maybe she's as cold and determined as her actions indicate. But she hasn't really taken any actions that a normal person would if they were dead-set on doing it. Like, OK, asking her brother how he did it. But she doesn't have a lawyer, she hasn't thought about taking over the mortgage, etc. etc. etc. So maybe her actions aren't as clear as I make them out to be. Can anyone comment on the difference between Ws who pushed the process through, vs. the ones like mine who are just sort of fumbling through it? I mean, she's not a dummy, if she wanted to make something happen she'd figure it out and do it.

However, if she thinks it's just a matter of signing an agreement after we have a little discussion, and I say, "I won't stand in your way if you want D," am I not standing in her way by putting off having that little discussion?

I tend to think out loud and I'm now thinking, hey, she can do what she wants, I'm feeling detached like I'd be OK with either outcome. OK, not THAT detached but I feel a bit better about it today. At this point I'm still going to DB and see what happens, but I'm trying to prepare myself so that I'm better able to respond calmly depending on the circumstances.

I just don't want to be the guy who is a pain in the rear because he didn't cooperate, thereby worsening the sitch.

[equalzr]

My WW blindsided me when she filed...and yes it hurt like hell. She didnt even have the decency to tell me she filed. On the day she did it, we had friendly casual texts about our S and a few other things. The next week i get a paper in the mail from a random lawyer trying to drum up business askimg about my case. She had the papers hidden in the house for nearly a week and didnt hint about it one bit.

As for my W, shes very thorough. She dots every i and crosses every t. Im not sure how your W is, but mine does her homework. That was one of my biggest attractions to her. Dont try to guess where your WW is at in the process, because they wont give you any real clue as to what is going on in their head.

My WW told me for almost a year and a jalf she didnt want a D, and that she wanted to stay married. Once i found out real info on her A, all that changed quickly. She strung me along as plan b, and once she couldnt keep her lie up she shut down.

[MoveFrwd]

Those of you who have filed, how did you know you were ready?

I think the old saying is "if you have to ask, you arent ready."
Seriously...at this point, what is your purpose in divorce? In my opinion, you will know when you know. When you are finished with the relationship and have no interest in considering continuing or revisiting it, thats when you end it. It sounds like you are still wanting to impact her in some way with this line of thinking.

Those of you who were served, what was that like? Were you blindsided or was there some kind of buildup?

It was a piece of paper that was sent to my lawyer's office. Luckily, nobody walked up to me at my home or while I was out and handed me papers.

I suggested a mediator and she seemed to think that was more than we needed. Not gonna try to interpret or mind read. Maybe she's completely terrified and uncertain. Maybe she's as cold and determined as her actions indicate. But she hasn't really taken any actions that a normal person would if they were dead-set on doing it. Like, OK, asking her brother how he did it. But she doesn't have a lawyer, she hasn't thought about taking over the mortgage, etc. etc. etc. So maybe her actions aren't as clear as I make them out to be.

I couldnt help but chuckle at your "not gonna mind read" comment considering what followed.
Look....she will file when she files.

And frankly, what would really be different if you were divorced right now?
Why does that signal seem to mean so much to you? There are plenty of people who get divorced and then remarry. I think I heard something like 5-10%, though who knows what number is really true. I guess my point is that your relationship is more than a piece of paper stating your legal obligations to each other.

However, if she thinks it's just a matter of signing an agreement after we have a little discussion, and I say, "I won't stand in your way if you want D," am I not standing in her way by putting off having that little discussion?

Seriously? Are you avoiding her calls? Are you hiding from her? Are you deliberately taking a long time to sign stuff? She will move at whatever pace she decides. Fast, slow, impossibly slow. Incredibly fast. Let her. Do your own thing and focus on you and what is important to you. IT ISNT YOUR JOB TO HELP HER THROUGH THIS. You arent standing in her way by doing nothing..

I just don't want to be the guy who is a pain in the rear because he didn't cooperate, thereby worsening the sitch.

I know this sounds flippant, but it's a serious question.
What do you mean by "worsen" the sitch? And also.....how are you not cooperating? By not running over and fixing the thermostat??

[burned]

I like the flippant comments, they reach me for some reason. But as you can see I'm obviously still struggling with serious NGS.

Seriously...at this point, what is your purpose in divorce?

Appeasement. Setting her free the way she wants to be set free.

I couldnt help but chuckle at your "not gonna mind read" comment considering what followed.

Busted again. I was even thinking that as I wrote it and...yeah.

You aren't standing in her way by doing nothing.

OK, I thought about this and it makes sense. If she wants this to happen and she wants it to happen her way, she needs to be explicit and say something like, "Hey, we need to meet and put an agreement together and file. I'm available at such and such dates." Something like that. That's if she wants to keep living in fantasy land where somehow this is "mutual."

I know this sounds flippant, but it's a serious question.
What do you mean by "worsen" the sitch? And also.....how are you not cooperating? By not running over and fixing the thermostat??

Either I don't communicate well or, more likely, I can't get my head straight. There's not much I can do to worsen the sitch. It's still NGS or something along those lines. I'm periodically revisiting some of the stuff from earlier this month about being firm and self-respectful. Scrw the thermostats.

Sigh. On the positive side, made the bed today, and detachment has been making it easier and easier to focus on what needs to be done at work. So I'm rebuilding there.

[SteveLW]

burned, you've been handing out some solid advice to others. So take a step back from your sitch, and look at it objectively. What what the advice giving burned say to the poster burned in his own thread?

I like that you recognize your NGS, that helps with your healing from it. NGS will hurt everyone of your relationships. So fixing it will help you move forward as the best burned that you can be.

[burned]

burned, you've been handing out some solid advice to others. So take a step back from your sitch, and look at it objectively. What what the advice giving burned say to the poster burned in his own thread?

I like that you recognize your NGS, that helps with your healing from it. NGS will hurt everyone of your relationships. So fixing it will help you move forward as the best burned that you can be.

Thank you, Steve. I was just thinking to myself yesterday, it's kind of rewarding to pass along what I've learned so far rather than navelgazing and feeling sorry for myself. Helps me see that I have made at least a little progress, too.

[MoveFrwd]

Appeasement. Setting her free the way she wants to be set free.

So why do you have to SET her free? In my opinion, by going dark and not pursuing her, it is opening the birdcage Do you need to reach in and throw the bird in the air to "set it free"?

You aren't standing in her way by doing nothing.

OK, I thought about this and it makes sense. If she wants this to happen and she wants it to happen her way, she needs to be explicit and say something like, "Hey, we need to meet and put an agreement together and file. I'm available at such and such dates." Something like that. That's if she wants to keep living in fantasy land where somehow this is "mutual."

I mean.....maybe.
Either way, if she wants something to happen, she can put in the effort and make it happen. If she doesnt, she wont.

Eventually though, YOU may decide that you arent interested in continuing to be legally tied to her and cut that rope...But for now, what difference does it make? Let her act as she wants. It isnt your job to do this for her.

[burned]

by going dark and not pursuing her, it is opening the birdcage Do you need to reach in and throw the bird in the air to "set it free"?

Good analogy. I'm picking up what you're putting down.

Eventually though, YOU may decide that you arent interested in continuing to be legally tied to her and cut that rope...But for now, what difference does it make? Let her act as she wants. It isnt your job to do this for her.

Got it. I think a lot of this is fear, "When will she, how will it hurt me," etc. At this point I'm not completely averse to the idea of reconciliation, and I'm not really losing anything financially by staying with the current arrangement.

Another thing that plays a role is pride, like, "I shouldn't be letting her get away with this, I'll cut her off and that will show her!" Gotta be careful about that.

[Vapo]

Just finished reading all your threads. Man o man, you sure churn new posts like there is no tomorrow. You are really getting the royal treatment here, an impressive collection of vets are offering their wisdom. I realize it might be a bit overwhelming for you to take in all the information esp. in such a short amount of time.

Generally speaking you are doing well, I would venture to say that even better than it was to be expected at this point in time. But you sure are spinning. And by spinning I mean spinning your wheels, burning rubber and going nowhere. You have to learn to be still. In this type of situation even no action is action in itself. I can clearly tell you still have not given up the search for the silver bullet, that one action that will change it all. There is no silver bullet.

There's not much I can do to worsen the sitch.

Au contrare, there is pleny you can do to worsen the sitch.

Stay strong buddy...