A new mindset for Burned. This is thread 7.

[burned]

Leaving the past behind in the previous thread.

[burned]

For those joining us at this point...I don't know what to say. The last thread taught me a lesson: gathering facts does not result in a whole lot of anything except spinning, negative emotions, fear, and the resulting bad decisions that are made based on fear.

Now I know what I know, and it hasn't resulted in any personal growth. So it's time to get out of my head. It's time to start holding myself accountable. Time to set some goals and really get to work on them, on the recommendation and relentless encouragement of Amoafwl.

Yesterday I quit drinking alone. It was getting out of hand. This was something I had been thinking of doing for a long time. And since I live alone, from now on I won't be keeping any beer in the fridge. This morning I was pretty agitated, anxious, and irritable. I know this will pass. So anyway, that was an unwritten goal that got achieved.

Good goals are SMART: specific, measurable, accomplishable, relevant, and time-bound. And they can be nested!

Here's one of my main goals: be more positive. W was always frustrated by my glass-half-full attitude, and I think it may have been a contributor to my sitch. More importantly, a positive attitude will be a contributor to a healthier relationship in the future. I have struggled with depression all of my life (and psychologists will tell you that the earlier it starts, the worse it tends to be). You could call me dysthymic on my best days.

But that goal is too abstract. It's more of a LIFE goal (long-term, important, far-reaching, and empowering -i just came up with that one myself). So let's nest some SMART goals in there that I'd like to accomplish by the end of October:

1. watch a video on positivity with Shawn Achor accomplished! (that's what led to this)
2. start and maintain a gratitude journal (I had been doing it haphazardly, now there's structure)
3. get better at making goals by reading some books on goal-setting (is this a meta-goal?) -- ordered Creating Your Best Life and The Slight Edge
4. exercise (might be tough to accomplish due to currently-broken ankle)
5. do random acts of kindness daily -- for example, floating around this board and saying encouraging things to you all, but also complimenting people at work for things they did well (I am the only male alongside 9 females with doctoral degrees, so I'll try not to compliment anyone on their attire)

There's a start. Hopefully when I accomplish goal #3 I'll get better at this. I've already learned that you have to operationalize these bad boys to the best of your ability.

[burned]

Public Gratitude Journal for 10/15/18

Current challenge: S and D and the WW quandary
What I'm learning from it: patience, perseverance, distress-tolerance, resilience, and of course goal-setting

Today I am grateful for:
1. a white Volkswagen GTI
2. having a job
3. having an apartment with furniture and heat

Today I succeeded at:
1. making some overdue phone calls at work
2. cooking pasta for myself rather than going out
3. doing the dishes right after eating

Today I choose to love myself because:
1. I can be a hard worker when my mind is clear
2. I'm learning about leadership
3. I have these intense blue eyes

Open to feedback, such as "Shut up, Burned."

[Ready2Change]

I like your last two posts.

Here is an easy goal that you can accomplish daily and feel a sense of accomplishment and start the day out right:

Make the bed.



Not my idea, I believe this is a military thing.

[MoveFrwd]

1. watch a video on positivity with Shawn Achor accomplished! (that's what led to this)
2. start and maintain a gratitude journal (I had been doing it haphazardly, now there's structure)
3. get better at making goals by reading some books on goal-setting (is this a meta-goal?) -- ordered Creating Your Best Life and The Slight Edge
4. exercise (might be tough to accomplish due to currently-broken ankle)
5. do random acts of kindness daily -- for example, floating around this board and saying encouraging things to you all, but also complimenting people at work for things they did well (I am the only male alongside 9 females with doctoral degrees, so I'll try not to compliment anyone on their attire).

Yeah, this is a great start. It certainly helps to have it all listed out.
But, you have 5 things, and two are already crossed out. So maybe let's stretch a little. Remember, this is what you want to do. It's OK to fail or miss some of them. My biggest takeaway in reading your list isnt necessarily only "positivity" you should focus on. Can you maybe extend this to "self-care"?

some thoughts:
- cook dinner for myself 4 times a week. Try at least one new recipe.
- develop a diet plan and stick to it?
- drink alcohol no more than 2(?) times per week and no more than 3(?) servings each time.
- go to at least one GAL where I dont know anyone. Send at least one friend request.
- do at least 1 activity focused on self care per week - massage, chiropractor, float, bath, haircut, manicure, dentist?, eye doctor?......it doesnt really matter.
- buy one new outfit outside of my normal comfort zone. Wear it to work.
- do some type of exercise two times per week (swimming? weight lifting? hobbling on crutches around the block?)
- develop a budget plan and stick to it
- see IC at whatever frequency you are doing?
- do one random act of kindness each day. Document it.
- complete the happiness journal daily.

Again, thats just a thought. The point is to stretch yourself.
And then come back in a few weeks...or daily if you want....and review your list and how you did.

[burned]

Thanks for the feedback. I'm hoping the books I ordered will have more ideas like this. I think I got a little ahead of myself trying to develop a framework with sub-goals and sub-sub-goals. Keep it simple.

Something I'm learning from this is something that is excruciatingly hard to stomach, which is that pretty much my entire life I've lived to "serve" others. I have always waited to be told what to do, and then do it as best I can so that I get a prize. It's pretty bad. W was probably tired of having to be the one to say, "Hey, how about today you do such and such." So "taking ownership of my life" is going to be fairly difficult because I'm up against some seriously deep-seated personality traits. Ick.

But that can't really stop me, I guess. I don't have any other choice (except to find another mother and repeat the whole process, nope).

[AnotherStander]

Great posts Burned, you're on the right track!

The last thread taught me a lesson: gathering facts does not result in a whole lot of anything except spinning, negative emotions, fear, and the resulting bad decisions that are made based on fear.

So true. It brings no answers, just more questions.

[burned]

Thanks to both of you for pushing me. Cause or effect uncertain, but as of last night I started feeling a bit more comfortable with the detachment situation. Like, "I can handle this, I hate it, that's OK, it's not going to kill me." Hope it lasts a bit longer this time. I am going to put in the effort to focus on myself and MAKE it last longer this time.

[hoosjim]

GREAT job, burned!!

These are exactly the kinds of goals you should be setting for yourself, and i wholeheartedly agree with the others posting today on this... you are doing GREAT. Keep it up!

I will comment on Ready2Change's "make the bed" idea-- Sounds small and inconsequential and some may scoff, but... it really is a GREAT way to start the day. Sets the tone. And, yes, it is a military thing. There is a great speach by some general or other you can find on YouTube if you search it on the importance of making one's bed for success in your day and your life. See if you can find it online, it is worthwhile and not terribly long.

And again, keep up the good work!! We're all behind you!

[neffer]

You are finding yourself B...I was very much just like you. Living with the need of been accepted...so I needed to figure out that.

Keep moving forward. Feel what you want, be yourself. Move forward.