Hi, I am new to the site and in need of help as my plight is looking pretty desperate.
I have been married for 16 years now and a few months ago my wife announced she wanted a D.
To be fair I should have known it was coming as we had both been unhappy for a few years and she said one day she will D me. But I ignored this so you could say it's my own fault.
When she told me this I made changes and all seemed good for 2 months or so, we had a great family holiday too, I have two kids of 11 and 8.
Anyway, the reason we got in this state was because we both have fought for years. Our arguments were always really heated and most times one or both of us would say terrible things to each other.
I am not proud of the way I treated her at all, sometimes I have been appalled at the things I have said to her. Whilst she was sometimes violent and toxic with me I should have learnt to manage my aggression and my mouth. But the problem was always that I hate conflict and when we fought I would always try and talk things through when I should have learnt just to shut up and give her time.
Anyway two weeks ago she caused arguments as she was stressed at work and took it out on me. I never argued back as for these two months I had decided I had to change. Anyway she then said she wanted a divorce. I was horrified as I did not think I had done anything to warrant it this time. Stupidly I grabbed her in some stupid desperate attempt to sort the problem out. Unfortunately both kids saw the incident. This happened on the 30th September and she filed for divorce 2 days later. Although I still have not been served with the papers but I know she has done it as she paid with a credit card.
I moved out during this time and for a week or so I did all the pleading and arguing, stuff I know is wrong. I know this now. Anyway the two weeks separation has just made things worse. I therefore have decided to move back into the house tomorrow. She is so annoyed and said she doesn't want me there. Says she doesn't love me and there is no way back. But I don't want to D so feel I need to be back at the house and fight for the marriage.
But she won't have anything to do with me and won't do anything with all four of us. She even is planning to go out on Saturday as she can't bear to be under the same roof as me.
I have ordered the DB and DR books and will do the DBing technique but I am worried I can't come back from this regardless. My only hope is to stick to DBing and hope she drops the D at some point. But I am not confident. I would do anything to sort this out.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I therefore have decided to move back into the house tomorrow. She is so annoyed and said she doesn't want me there.
Good decision.
W"Bla bla bla bla bla don't want you in the house..bla bla bla" W"Bla bla bla bla bla ..bla bla bla" W"Bla bla bla bla bla ..bla bla bla" W"Bla bla bla bla bla ..bla bla bla" W"Bla bla bla bla bla ..bla bla bla"
Keep listening. maintain eye contact. Wait till she is done. Wait for a long pause, then calmly: H "I am sorry you feel that way. I am sorry for hurting you in the past. "
let her interrupt and then listen....any long pauses, continue:
"I decided I want to live in this house" "I decided I like sleeping in the master bedroom" "I do not want to argue with you" "I want us both to be happy" "I see many solutions to our issues" "If divorce is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way" "My relationship with you is important" "You are free to leave."
Theses are some good examples, Any thing you want to add?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It sounds like she met with a lawyer, but may not have pulled the trigger on the divorce yet. Maybe you should talk to her about it. If she has, you should consult with a lawyer and understand your rights.
If you have not apologized for your past behavior, I suggest you do so. Not a snivelling, grovelling apology, but a sincere one. But don't keep apologizing over and over.
Get individual counselling. Try to get her to go to individual and couples' counselling. You both sound like you need it, and need to learn new ways to settle disagreements.
Don't worry about what you did in the past. You can't change it. Change what you do going forward. It may take a long time before you see any result. I would say, really, all changes have to be for you, not her. If you are changing for her, not only will the changes not last, but she'll sense the insincerity.
You did not do anything recently to warrant her filing. It is a recurrent theme that the spouse leaving makes the decision, is content and happy with the decision, and looks about how to implement it. In those weeks/months, the Left Behind Spouse (LBS) thinks "we aren't fighting any more! Our relationship is improving!" When in reality, the Walk Away Spouse (WAS/WAH/WAW) just doesn't care enough to fight any more.
This has been coming a long time, and it will take a long time to convince her she really doesn't want to divorce. Time is your friend. It gives you an opportunity to change yourself, and her an opportunity to see the changes, and reconsider.
Depending on your situation, Get A Life (GAL). This takes a lot of pressure off her.
Don't pursue her. She needs space.
Add a signature block so people will know your general situation at a glance without having to go back 6 pages.
The more you participate on other's pages, the wiser you will be, and the more people will participate on yours.
One last thought; your marriage may be irretrievably lost. Many of us come here hoping to salvage our marriages, but find that the real value of this site is in saving ourselves.
Oh, yeah, protect your kids as much as you can. This is going to $uck for them. Make it $uck as little as you can.
Good luck.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
She has definitely filed as saw credit card payment for the fee, this was on 2nd October. Just not had papers yet, not sure how long they take probably depends on court. I am in England.
I already have apologised to W and kids. I know she accepts my apology but just says I went too far this time and there is no way back.
I went too far this time and there is no way back.
This is a common thing for them to say.
Foregive yourself for what ever transgression you made and also know that you could have stood on your head and spit out money and she would still have likely wanted a divorce at some point.
Time now to really become the best CROFTON you can be and the BEST DAD possible.
I would not have advised you to move out but that sounds like it might be too late.
DB'ing is counter intuitive, nothing you say is going to bring her back. Speak with ACTIONS not WORDS and - let her go.
LOVE is a CHOICE and until she decides she wants to make that CHOICE you can not force her to do that.
I am new to this site too ... though my sitch has been going on for a year. Writing things here helps me get my thoughts in order and takes away a little of the emotion so that, in real life, I can *try* to act rationally. Listen to the vets, sometimes their advice is hard to take, but they, and the rest of us, are rooting for you.
I will second the advice on looking after your kids. They have lost their mum (for now), don't let them think they've lost you too. Some of the best times I've had over the last year is doing things with the kids I wouldn't normally do - take them away for the weekend (invite W if you like, but don't expect her to say yes), take them on long walks in the country side, just do things, anything with them.
I'm going to play a little bit of devil's advocate here, so forgive me.
There are people on here far more experienced on here than me who I am sure are better placed to advise. You must be in a very difficult place right now but what concerns me is that at least twice you mention 'physicality' and aggression in what seems to be a very volatile relationship. This seems to be a problem for both of you.
You also have young children in the home.
One thing that is for sure is that this is not going to be an easy ride whatever happens and there will be many situations where you both feel at the end of your tether. Can either of you guarantee then when your buttons are being pressed, this won't become physical again? That cannot be allowed to happen around the children.
I know that in many situations, the general advice is to not move out, but I wonder if in your situation you may stand a better chance of DBing if you weren't under the same roof?
I do regret moving out. I thought it was the right thing to do to give her space. But I know it was the wrong choice now as things have not got any better. I am moving back in the hope that she will see changes in me and I also want to be near the children. To answer your question Yorkie I will never be physical with her every again and I don't know if she will either. My plan is just to be a great dad for the kids and not get involved in any arguments with her at all. Maybe easier said then done but really only chance I have of trying to salvage this is just to hope that she sees the difference but I am aware it maybe too late.
