I guess this is piecing

[neffer]

Wishing the best of luck for you as a family. Remember to look at the half full of the glass. So, even dosifying low quantities of expectation, you need to find a way to enjoy this new rediscovering process. Pacience and time, low expectations, low anxieties, commitment and moving forward. Possitive attitude.

Walking towards the new day.

[Did]

Thanks Neffer, really appreciate it. W and I had a really good lunch date. Great food, glass of wine. Towards the end W said this can be our spot. She had a few things ready to talk about and she seems to actually want to work on things, do it the right way. I brought up feeling a lot healthier than I did when we were sleeping together. And both of us needing to get our sht together. She invited me to sit in bed with her for a few minutes before I picked up D4 from school. Both of us were happy together. Maybe this taking it slow thing will work? I should probably work on listening... active listening, add it to things to improve.

I need to continue to focus on my 180s. Including patience, maturity, self control. Have D4 so limited time but it was a good day. Oh my battery died this morning, W had let it die when she was dealing with police after her accident keeping lights on. So I needed to get a new battery and a jump this morning. Which was a bit hectic.

But that doesnt really matter in the scheme of things... $225 expenses today for lunch and battery... we can make more money right. Have our dog here for the weekend. W comes at 9am tomorrow because I have to coach for a few hours then my parents come up and I have D4 overnight tomorrow night.

Thanks for the support all.

[Did]

Im wondering about building a spark with W. Or just building in general. I'm trying to give her time and space. But I want to make sure I'm attractive and continuing to improve. I feel like I've gotten kind of stuck.

When we had the lunch date there was definitely a spark there. We talked about a lot of great stuff and W was the one saying how it was such a good date. But when were around each other generally its not. W has said in the past she has anxiety around D4 and I... maybe its some of that. Or just that shes doing what the therapist said. She is reaching out to me and sending pictures so there has been a lot of progress. I just dont want to be stuck in this friend zone long term. I guess thats part of my concern.

Im still having a hard time accepting where we are... a few weeks ago we were kissing, sleeping together etc.

Im overthinking and overanalyzing. Maybe I need to meditate more on peace of mind and just relax. I suppose I need to care less and detach more. I still need to be less available. I guess its about her needs and where she is at after having recently accepting some issues and reading self help books etc.

Patience is really a struggle for me... I've been working most night and starting a new recruiting business for high school athletes plus have D4 half the time so thats really all Im doing.

Im definitely going to get with this babysitter in the next couple weeks.

[Did]

Should I be texting her goodnight or anything? She does like half the time. Ive been trying not to reach out first unless there is some type of parenting thing to discuss.

Another concern is that Im not sure if she even wants to be a full time mom. She definitely likes her alone time. And says things like shes mommed out. I want nothing more than to be a dad full time and be together... obviously.

[Accuray]

Did I agree with Sandi, you've got to back way off. It seems that W "coming back" is making her feel less guilty, it feels like doing the right thing for her to come back, and she's taking comfort in that. At the same time, she's not *really* feeling like she wants to be back, she's not feeling it. She's faking it and you both know it. She's trying, and that's great, but it doesn't feel authentic and that is bothering you, which is understandable.

If you're really going to get to piecing, versus a temporary stay of execution for the MR, then she really has to *want* to be back, and to want it so badly that she's willing to do hard work.

You talk about trying to build a spark, but I guarantee that anything you try to encourage that is going to come across to her as you trying too hard and she's going to value you less in response.

If you want to build a spark, you're going to need to make things worse first. She'll need to believe she may not be able to come back to you, even if she wants to. That she needs to win YOU back. Then she'll be motivated.

How do you do that? Forget about her. Lead an amazing, happy life *on your own*. Lead the kind of life that anyone would want to be part of. This nice thing then is that even if she doesn't come back, who cares?

In my case, WW came back and we were "false piecing" for about 3 years before she went wayward again. I made it too easy for her to come back, she didn't really value being back, and therefore went wayward again. That's a pretty common pattern on these boards. For real piecing to begin, YOU have to be "done" first, you need to have dropped the rope. Otherwise you don't really have a chance for a real reset.

Acc

[SteveLW]

Should I be texting her goodnight or anything? She does like half the time. Ive been trying not to reach out first unless there is some type of parenting thing to discuss.

Another concern is that Im not sure if she even wants to be a full time mom. She definitely likes her alone time. And says things like shes mommed out. I want nothing more than to be a dad full time and be together... obviously.

BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS

[Did]

Accuracy I think you're 100% right. How do I make her feel like she may not be able to have me? AFter so long of her knowing what I want. I asked if she wanted to do something Wed while D4 is in school, I leave for Hawaii that night. I guess traveling and enjoying myself then coming back we go into MC 11/1. Good time to change the mentality and embrace all of this 110%.

I will back way off. Going to do it. I have not been reaching out, but when she contacts me I am too readily available and usually answer right away unless I'm working. Today I will be dropping off D4 at school, W will be there working out to see D4. I want to ask her if she wants to have coffee there.... reeks of desperation even writing it. So F that. If she wants to talk she can ask me. I already asked her if she wanted to go for a walk at the park W we both like being out in nature. I won't ask again and will plan to exercise and do something else in case she doesn't respond or ask me to do it.

I'm out Wed night for 5 days.... reset and come back as if we are done. She can try to make plans w me etc. She posted this pic of her in sexy witch make-up on IG, for a party the other day. I know she wants the attention even though she would never admit it. And I'd like to be the one to give it to her but telling her she's gorgeous isn't helping anyone, right?

Thanks all, this forum is so helpful even if my mistakes are frustrating for you as much as they are for me.

[SteveLW]

Don't get too down on yourself for the mistakes. These are matters of the heart, Did. We often allow our heart to lead in matters of the heart. The problem is the heart wants what it wants. It sees what it wants to see. It hears what it wants to hear.

The brain is much better at being able to look fully and objectively at these things. But in order to allow that we have to let the brain respond. The brain responds based on knowledge. The heart reacts based on emotion. I am sure I don't have to tell you which one is better for your sitch and which one is worse.

[Did]

Agree Steve. Thanks. I have an interest in psychology and have been reading. The term I would use is conscious mind is your brain and subconscious mind is your heart. But amounts to the same thing. I will not ask her to to talk today or for plans before my trip.

[Did]

Got lunch with w today. Nothing real to report. Wasn’t great just kind of shooting the sht. While driving I put my hand on her leg. Didn’t even really think of it... She said no. That’s were supposed to start as friends and i keep breaking the rules. She seemed mad for a few seconds. Last night she said she wanted more after our date the other day. Couple weeks ago having sex. I’ve told her I don’t trust her. She says that’s ok. And that I can facetime her every night she’s alone if I want. I told her no way I’d do that . She did clean my place really well the other day while I was working. That was really nice of her and felt good just to have that level of care. I kind of just feel like it’s just done. I have to improve my patience. . Heading to her house to spend time with D4 tomorrow late afternoon then out to Hawaii for 5 days.