Edit: great opportunity to "grok" an aspect of what detachment is. It's when you take that entire paragraph of what she said during MC or joint counseling or whatever it was...and not let it bother you at all. It shouldn't affect your understanding of reality. It shouldn't make you angry or sad or anything. R2C will jump in and translate for you: "Blah blah blah blah blah."
The F'd up thing about this is that at the time and on the hour long car ride home, it didn't. I know I portrayed to her that it didn't because it honestly didn't really affect me in any sort of way, at that time. It wasn't until I was back home and digested it the next day that it started to bug me....and I get that both of us are giving "our sides" of the story and therefore the truth probably lies in the middle. And that middle ground clearly puts blame on me for where we are. Something I understand and wished I would have understood a long time ago.
Appreciate the advice and comments, burned.
Last edited by Wanted1; 10/18/1808:24 PM.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
exterior validation is something that she "craves,"
Yes and that's how they end up in an A. Something is broken inside them, and they think validation comes from outside. They decide the kind you're giving them isn't the kind they need, or you're not giving them enough of it. So they try to find it elsewhere.
Don't let that "elsewhere" be you. It's tempting in the early stages. But you're just kicking the can down the road.
She needs to heal from that mindset and then decide that you are the person she wants to spend her life with. Not a bucket full of free validation. That's OM crap. You're better than that.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
It wasn't until I was back home and digested it the next day that it started to bug me....
Yup. For me it had to percolate for about 12 hours. Woke up at 2 AM in a rage when it sort of hit me what was happening. Thankfully I was already physically S so nobody heard me screaming and kickboxing the mattress. "It's so unfair!" Anger.
Anger = unmet expectations. So drop the expectations.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
.... I get that both of us are giving "our sides" of the story and therefore the truth probably lies in the middle.....
Nope. Google "orthogonal rotation" for some really nerdy statistics concepts. The truth isn't in the middle, it's like 90 degrees off to the left, in the corner with a teddy bear waiting for this to all blow over.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Hey buddy. I worry that I was a bit too direct with you yesterday. I only meant well, but I'm sorry if my actions didn't match my intentions.
Today is a new day. You can do this.
Not at all, burned. Not at all. No need to apologize because I know you mean well. I always appreciate your posts.
Thought I would share this tidbit I got from my DB coach yesterday with anyone reading my post. He explained detaching with love very, very well to me. He said to think of my W as my sister right now. You love your siblings, but in a different way than your S. When detaching with love you need to treat your W how you would treat your sister. He said when your sister has a bad day or is in a seemingly bad mood, that doesn't usually translate to your feelings and emotions becoming negative as well. Basically, your feelings shouldn't/can't mirror her feelings and emotions. Don't let your W's bad mood ruin your day. I thought this was a phenomenal way to look at how to detach with love. Helped me out big time. I realize that I can still interact with my W in a loving way but if she's having a bad day, I can't let that get me down. Continue to be positive and upbeat. I think before I was confusing detaching with love with more or less going dark. Two totally different techniques and mindsets.
A lot of the hour phone call was me explaining my sitch, so I think I'll get more out of the next phone call with him in a week or so, but I mentioned it sort of bothers me that my W isn't wearing her wedding ring. He asked if I was wearing mine, which I am. He told me to "play" with it a little bit. Randomly decide to not wear it a few days here and there just to see what happens. I'm going to try this. I kind of suspect nothing will come of it. My W, at this stage of her life, I think is too prideful (if that's the right word) to actually ask me why I'm not wearing it if she notices I'm not. I'm still going to give it a try though. He said if she does ask about it to not place blame with an answer like "Well, you aren't wearing yours so I figured I won't wear mine." Instead, say something like, "I've never been here before, so I don't really know what to do. I'm just trying different things to see how I feel about them."
He also said GAL is very important. More times than not when the LBS starts GAL, that is when you will see a positive turnaround. I'm working hard on GAL. Hard to do in a small town where there isn't much to do, but with it being in the midst of hunting season, I'm going to try to get out and do that quite a bit over the next few weeks. Also plan to take a trip to see a friend one of these upcoming weekends. I'm a little confused with GAL, though. Can you GAL around the house or is the theme of GAL more or less getting out of the house and doing things? I've been GAL around the house. After I'm done with getting kids to bed, etc. I do my own thing - watch football, basketball, my TV shows (that we used to watch together), reading the self-help books I've gotten over the past couple weeks, working out, etc. I'm not sure if that falls under the category of GAL or not.
M: 34 W:34 D:7 D:6 S:3
M: 9.5 years T: 12
OM found & BD (by me): 9/19/18 IHS begins W informs me she's moving out: 11/28/18 W files: 12/21/18 D Final: 2/25/19
I'm a little confused with GAL, though. Can you GAL around the house or is the theme of GAL more or less getting out of the house and doing things? I've been GAL around the house. After I'm done with getting kids to bed, etc. I do my own thing - watch football, basketball, my TV shows (that we used to watch together), reading the self-help books I've gotten over the past couple weeks, working out, etc. I'm not sure if that falls under the category of GAL or not.
I believe so. As long as you are enjoying what you are doing. As long as you are balancing it with other GAL.
It is all about doing what YOU WANT TO DO.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The received wisdom here is that the best GAL activities are the ones that get you out of the house interacting with other humans in real life. Hunting with a new buddy, meeting up with strangers to try a new hobby, things like that. It allows you to be a little bit "hard to get" because suddenly you have a lot going on and you're not as available to your W when she expects you to be. It allows you to meet new people who can provide the kind of connection that you may not be able to have with your W at the moment. And it helps you feel more confident about yourself, thereby improving your interactions with W.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Wanted, that's some top-notch advice from your DB coach! I wish more people here took advantage of the coaches because they really know their stuff and convey more in an hour to you than we can in weeks of typing stuff out. Follow that advice, it'll net you great results!
