Whirlwind of Hurt 3

[Ready2Change]

... marriage takes two people to make it work , but if there is disagreement and one parent doesn’t want to be in the marriage it will not work and end in divorce. Then we will go into the we love you's, this is not your fault. You will still be loved and seen by all you grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Rough plan is a few days before Halloween, so they can use that holiday as a distraction. IC suggested having a least 1 set of grandparents over on that holiday for support for kids and to show a sense of normalcy and togetherness. This may or may not be age appropriate for everyone, but has been suggested to me for our young children. Any question with who wants to get divorced will be deflected with we love you it's not your fault, its complicated statements.

Sound like you have a good plan. Sounds like W is on board with you. Sounds like your W will be a good parenting partner. You are lucky.

It's going to $uck, I just hope I can keep it together. I feel this will spoil the purity of our children, if that makes sense.

I remember the day clearly. ~10 years ago. You can handle it. Pass out lots of hugs to your kids.

[Twofeet]

... marriage takes two people to make it work , but if there is disagreement and one parent doesn’t want to be in the marriage it will not work and end in divorce. Then we will go into the we love you's, this is not your fault. You will still be loved and seen by all you grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. Rough plan is a few days before Halloween, so they can use that holiday as a distraction. IC suggested having a least 1 set of grandparents over on that holiday for support for kids and to show a sense of normalcy and togetherness. This may or may not be age appropriate for everyone, but has been suggested to me for our young children. Any question with who wants to get divorced will be deflected with we love you it's not your fault, its complicated statements.

Sound like you have a good plan. Sounds like W is on board with you. Sounds like your W will be a good parenting partner. You are lucky.

That's part of what make this sitch a bit confusing for me. We are aligned on morals, values, and goals, or at least I thought until BD. As my IC said ( same IC as my wife) "You could have been the perfect husband and this was bound to happen anyway"..... sigh.

[Ready2Change]

That's part of what make this sitch a bit confusing for me. We are aligned on morals, values, and goals, or at least I thought until BD. As my IC said ( same IC as my wife) "You could have been the perfect husband and this was bound to happen anyway"..... sigh.

This is more a thought exercise verses answering my question:

Why is your wife not attracted to you? What is she attracted to? What characteristics of OM was she attracted to?


I had married women hitting on me while I was single.
I would ask "Where is your H?" They would say "At home. He is boring."

How can you be more interesting? How can you be more surprising?

I throw all this into this question:

"How can you be MORE SEDUCTIVE?"

[Twofeet]

R2C,

This is a good thought exercise. I can answer some of those questions later after I think about them a bit more. I need to think my way through the fog of "I don't even know anymore" a bit to come up with answers.

Have you ever taken the Briggs Myers/Jung personality test?

My personality type probably explains things as to why my W is attracted to me and why she is not.

[Twofeet]

I should have GAL tonight....

W started work at 8 AM then came home early with the kids at 3 PM. As far as I can tell she has been in my sons bed since then. When I came home she said she had a busy day and needed some sleep so she went back into S room and slept. House was trashed from kids playing unsupervised. S was left in a pullup that he filled up and needed changed rather than working on his potty training (he has been difficult to potty train). I made a quick dinner for kids then made dinner for W and I. I woke up wife for dinner she talked about work and how she and her colleagues were firing someone. Said she was so tired and exhausted, then she showered and crashed back in our son's room. I hate when she gets like this, this is definitely a post bd thing. She is completely useless, unmotivated, and lazy. She is just laying in his bed on her phone. I have been cleaning up the house and playing the part of both Mom and Dad. Once I finished I was so frustrated that I wanted to walk into son's bedroom and have a MR talk with W that included " WTF are you doing and WTF is your problem ?" By the time I entered son's bedroom I had calmed down and just told W goodnight and holler if you need anything. Treat her like a house guest. I decided to start meditating again starting this evening. It is a good way to calm the mind.

My boss told me a story last week about how the wife of his relative was having a mental breakdown and threatening D. So the relative got together with the family and had her committed. Now I don't think my W is so far gone like this guys W was. I can't say the thought of committing her to the funny farm hasn't crossed my mind.

[Ready2Change]

Have you ever taken the Briggs Myers/Jung personality test?

I have not.

I can float through all kinds. I can be introvert or extrovert. Leader or follower. All depends on the sich.

180 everything. Float to the place you need to be.

[LH19]

TF,

Let me try to give you an analogy. Your W loves steak and has ate steak everyday since she was 15. 20 years later she makes a mistake and orders chopped liver. She eats it and thinks it's amazing. Not because chopped liver is better then steak because we know it's not, it's just because it's different. Now eventually after eating chopped liver for awhile and realizing that is the only kind of food available she will long for the steak dinner she once had.

Those are the only feelings I have left. I get angry at times when my D struggles with the divorce that my ex didn't try harder.

I can promise you that D is not as bad as you think it is and your children will be fine as long as you and your w are amicable. Also, there are some amazing women out there who have been wronged by men who are willing to do anything for a good man.

I have been around here long enough to know you are a good strong man who will be just fine in the next chapter in your life.

[EZdozit]

TF,

I struggle with the way WAW and I handled telling S 6 months ago about separation. I was in a state of shock at the time and just did whatever she told me to thinking it would have an impact in getting her to change her mind. Big mistake. She presented the separation like it was going to be a big fun adventure with getting everything new at her house, while conveying that it was both our idea.

Today, S is an emotional wreck and his happy go lucky demeanor that was full of pure innocence disappeared. He’s seeing a IC that I’m vehemently opposed to, as 5 months has passed and he is further regressing. W and I are at impasse in agreeing to find new counselor as she says he’s too vested with current one. (She also has blinders on to avoid any guilt or shame in how she’s handled herself)

Definitely be delicate when you tell kids, but don’t excuse W choices. My s has a ton of anger built up with W....and I do fear it will be a lasting impact for years to come.

[Ready2Change]

I would let W do all the talking. Clarify things that are lies. Let her know this in advance.

Her divorce, her talk.

I would even try rehearsing with W if she is up to it, BEFORE HAND.


That way you both know what to expect from each other without surprises during the real talk.

Just my 2 cents

[equalzr]

I would let W do all the talking. Clarify things that are lies. Let her know this in advance.

Her divorce, her talk.

I would even try rehearsing with W if she is up to it, BEFORE HAND.


That way you both know what to expect from each other without surprises during the real talk.

Just my 2 cents

Not trying to hijack the thread, but this has been something ive been thinking about for a while. Ive heard a lot of people say thay you should present it as a joint decision etc. Im sorry, but i REFUSE to have my S living life thinking i was part of a decision to tear our family apart. It was the WW's choice to have an affair and want a D. Its now their cross to carry with kids too. Its their job to repair that R.

My WW and i have to have that talk with our S soon, so ive already told her she will need to tell him she wants a D. I guess ill also have to let her know that if she tries blaming me for her choices, i stop playing nice about her A and tell our S whsts really going on.