P.S.- I'm actually headed over to her Mom's now to help her with her computer.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
IH, not a failure. No way I will not let you categorize it as such.
Look at where you are at. You went from BD to D 4 years ago. To her contacting, you wanting to be around you, hanging out with you. Even agreeing to a date (this past Saturday). If 4 years ago I would have told you that she was going to invite her into her place, turn out the lights and let you massage her neck and back, and even kiss you (even if lamely) good night, you would have told me that I was an idiot of epic proportions.
So no, this isn't a failure. I tend to agree with you regarding what she wants to say. Rarely do women say "we need to talk" about "our friendship" if they are interested in moving things forward. Every woman I've ever had a relationship with made it clear through their actions, especially their kisses, about what their intentions were. Only time they wanted to talk was when they weren't where I was.
My W was both. At first I got friend-zoned. She'd peck kiss me goodnight. Every action was her letting me know that it wasn't going any further. Whether it was her hugs, or sitting close to me but not touching me, etc. We had "a talk" one night on the phone (she lived about an hour away) about how she wasn't completely over her ex-bf and not ready to move on with anybody yet. Blah blah blah.
The next week she came to stay with me and was going to meet my brother and SiL, and that morning got up and left, drove back home an hour. I completely pulled back at that point. She called that night saying she had thought about things and wanted to take things slow but did want to try. I was like "whatever". I was pretty much done.
The next weekend she came back down and attended a family event with me. Privately to some of my female cousins she said "we were just friends". This got back to me and now I was really done.. I didn't answer her calls that week. Didn't call her back. Started to move on. The next weekend I was in my cousin's wedding. At the family event the week before he had invited her to the wedding, but I was going to go stag. In fact, there was another girl attending the wedding that was very interested in more with me, so I was going to spend time with her getting to know her during the day.
I went to the rehearsal dinner that Friday night and then we took my cousin out. Nothing big but bowling and karaoke. Just a typical Christian bachelor party. When I got home to my apartment that night, my now wife was sitting in her car in the parking lot, and had been there for hours. I asked her what she was doing there. She said "xxxxx invited me to his wedding last week, so I am attending." I told her "you know I have to leave early in the morning tomorrow to be there all day, so you won't be able to ride with me or anything." She was okay, but I could tell something was different. She slept very closely to me that night. I got up and left early for the wedding. She came to the church about the time the wedding started. After the wedding at the reception she never left my side. That night when I kissed good night, she pulled me in for a deep, long kiss. It was obvious she was amping things up.
She left Monday morning for work. That day I got a half dozen red roses delivered to my office from her.
The point is that when she wanted to "talk" it wasn't good. When she was ready for more she made it clear in no uncertain terms. So I think you are reading this right.
My advice? Preempt it. When she is ready to talk start by saying "Look, I said I would do this until either of was with someone. Then I told you I wasn't interested in friendship, but you don't seem to be open to more. So this has to end here, unfortunately. I never wanted a D, I never stopped loving you, when you came back I thought there was a chance for us to make things right and get back together. You seem to want the friend side of me but not the lover side, and that is a non-starter for me. I'd be glad to stay in touch occasionally just to catch up, but no more Halloween movies, and pumpkin carvings, etc for us. That part of our relationship is apparently in the past."
Definitely throw in the part about if she ever changes her mind, and the timing is right (IE you haven't met someone else) then let you know.
IH, its all good my friend. Not the desired outcome but now you know.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I am going to disagree with you about IH preempting the conversation. Let her talk and see what she says. And then calibrate your response. I always like to have more information than less, even if it's going to $uck. Let her talk and then respond. That would be my take.
I wonder if she set her response to you not staying? She could have had the same mindset you did, except maybe staying over was her baseline. Its possible that in her mind she figured if it ended in a night of passion that was her sign, and if you left that was a different sign.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
Steve, I am going to disagree with you about IH preempting the conversation. Let her talk and see what she says. And then calibrate your response. I always like to have more information than less, even if it's going to $uck. Let her talk and then respond. That would be my take.
I agree.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
If a girl invites you in her house, she says her neck hurts and then you start to massage combined with lifting her shirt up.....I learned the hard way when I first started dating again....YOU GO FOR IT!
I'd agree with you for just about every sitch except IH. I think he should be the one in control in this case, and not come across as being at her mercy. If it were 4 1/2 years ago before their D, then yes I'd agree. At this point he has nothing to gain by listening and validating. He's been down that road with this woman before
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
