Gaining speed (pain18 DB story, Part V)

[Phoenix9]

These feelings are all normal, right? The steady highs with the occasional crash? I'm doing everything that I can that is healthy. A stray thought comes into my mind and derails me for a few days and then I'm back going forward.

All normal? All healthy? All conducive to DBing?

[Twofeet]

Pain18,

Are they racing thoughts? Like a stray thought gets picked up in your mind and it races from point a to b to c and so forth to an unrealistic fantasy?

-or- a sad thought pops up and just takes the wind out of your sails?

[Phoenix9]

A little bit both. Like this current down, it was triggered by my loneliness on my trip with the exclamation point being me locking eyes with a very beautiful woman. My ptsd negativity kicked in and got my depression and hopelessness going.

This is the 4th day that I have been feeling like this.

I wish I can try I’ll get another opportunity. I wish I can say that I’ll get another chance at love. I just know that it’s one all big IF instead of a WHEN.

[Ready2Change]

Hi Pain,

I just read your first post. I skimmed the thread and read some of your posts.

Help me understand better:

1) You are still in the same house. Separate rooms?
2) You have a D. How old now?
3) OM still in the picture?

[Phoenix9]

1) Yes. We’re out of the house 3 days per week at a time. I stay three days in the house. W stays the other three days. We spend a half-day preparing for our upcoming week.
2) 4
3) I don’t know. I’m assuming yes but I don’t ask. W doesn’t bring him up much to me anymore. SOB is aware of our sitch. Says that I “probably hate him” (very much). D4 mentions spending time with him from time to time.

Ballsy move. At the sex class. Right now I’m learning some great info. Likely going to suffer another breakdown on my way back to the place where I stay three days per week.

[equalzr]

Stay strong Pain. Deep breathing. Keep it together for you and D4. In the end youll realize its your WW who is losing.

[neffer]

Stay strong Pain. Need some more detaching and GAL. I know is easier to say...but you need to stay away from your mind readings. I liked what R2C wrote: if those R thoughts appear, train yourself to delay them. Focus on something else. You must do a conscious effort to achieve calm and avoid anxiety. Know yourself P.


You need to be strong P. Keep moving forward man.

[Phoenix9]

It's not the detaching that is my only source of grief.

It's the sadness and hopeless feeling that I will be in my mid 50s by the time I get another chance. Is it possible? Yes. Is it probable? I hope not.

I do know that shortly after BD I was flailing and so desperate to keep up with WAW's dating I went full-charge on numerous dating sites. And that was an extremely sobering reminder that as a man, dating is an extremely competitive endeavor. Out of 200 or so attempts to make contact, I had one date. And she was definitely not someone who I had any interest in. It sapped whatever morale I had built up. And that is when I started to indulge in unhealthy behaviors (alcohol, prostitution, food) because I did not know how else to cope.

I am not falling back on the bad behaviors. I look and feel better.

I just don't want to be alone anymore.

[neffer]

Keep working on yourself. It takes time. Better times are coming. Control anxiety and GAL GAL GAL

Enjoy time with D4 and feel the freedom not the loneliness. Try some meditation, IC, running, butterfly hunting, whatever. Learn to live with yourself first. Get into amoafwl.

And man...you are not alone...that’s a feeling and I’m sorry you are feeling like that but you have the power to change it.

GAL!

[lost8]

GAL seems so difficult at first, but baby steps, just stay busy. I felt this before too and said wow I will have to change my entire lifestyle at 49 after spending 19 years with the same person...very overwhelming and a lot of anxiety. My advice is just stay busy at first.

Read, exercise, look at other sitches here and see what they are doing, walk a mall, window shop, pick up a PT job to meet new people, go to a support group, talk to an IC, hang out with friends. Those aren't new things, those are things that you have probably done all your life but just became complacent with them the past few years....we all did, that is why we are here.

We all felt like we had to keep up with WAW or WW and the dating or sex, good luck, women will always be able to get what they want when they want it because that is the way it was set up in the beginning. Adam didn't want the apple, Eve talked him into it, guys are one track when you think about it. If you try to chase a relationship, sex, love, you will be disappointed most of the time and continue the cycle. It will happen, but you won't ever be satisfied until you can look at yourself and say I will be ok with or w/o her and I have a lot to offer. You need that confidence, work on yourself.