I think it is okay for us to hijack kech's thread because she is not currently using it :-) We are simply keeping her thread alive and active until she returns.
Pain, please don't kick yourself too much. I was queen of that. I was so, so hard on myself. And you know how that served me? It didn't. I felt worse about myself and it only made the sitch harder because of my lowered state. Guilt is not a productive emotion! It keeps us stuck. You have to accept that you are human and we all make mistakes.
It sounds corny, but you gotta love yourself! Forgive yourself and simply wake up each morning and start over. As you learn to love yourself and forgive yourself, you will build confidence and then it actually gets easier to DB. You said what you were doing was working, but really, we cannot measure results based on other peoples' reactions or external factors. The results, and the goals, are that YOU feel better and stronger. That just takes time, my friend. That is why GAL is so important. Do 10 nice things for yourself every day, little and big. Write them down. Check them off. Feel good about yourself at the end of the day! Wake up, rinse, repeat.
Do I have a history of depression? Sigh. Yes. And a long family history too. My mother, my grandmother have battled with it. My own adult daughter was diagnosed bipolar in HS. You know when my depression started? When I was 5 years old and my own parents got divorced. I went to an affluent school and I didn't know any other kid that had parents that were D. I felt ashamed, even as a young child. I was so terribly lonely. I would cry alone in my room and I would cry at school. I don't recall my parents even knowing. Middle school was awful. HS was hard too. I have done some therapy in adulthood that included going back and being a mom to my younger, depressed, self because my parents were not there for me like I needed. I am not a perfect parent, but I have been able to give my kids more support and then my parents gave me. I think my parents D, and inability to cope with it, prevented them from being able to see my depression and support me.
My youngest D is 8 and whenever she hears my H and I argue she cries and says "please don't get divorced." The look of worry on her face just about kills me. My oldest D is 20 and has no recollection of me being with her dad. I left him when she was a baby (he was bipolar too). She now is so glad I didn't stay with him and cannot imagine a life with us together or not having my H (her step dad) and her 2 sisters. So I do not suggest staying in a M for the kids is best.
That was off topic. People are complicated. We all have these histories and painful things in life. It's just so hard. All we can do is the best we can. Love more. Forgive often. Keep moving forward. I need those reminders more than anyone I think.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
You made progress for a good amount of time then pursued and had to try again?
I've been struggling with depression since I was 8 (kids picked on me, girls thought I was disgusting, etc.). I did not get formally diagnosed until my last year of college. Since that it's been drug after drug and now, a cocktail of a anti-depressant and anti-anxiety pill. I'm 37 now.
Dear Kech, we all miss you and are just wanting to make sure you are okay and that the baby is fine. If you have stayed away from the forums wanting to avoid the pain, when you eventually get back look at the resolve you had keeping away from it. We all lean on each other for support here and it is addictive at times, if you are able to stay away it means once you set your mind you can do what you want, same principle applies to DB.
Pain, sorry about the depression, being in this sitch doesnt make it any better, but anybody who got BD will be in a state of depression and despair for at least a few months according to me. I am almost 8 months post BD, I havent forgotten him or stopped loving, I try my best to do it from afar. I am learning to love myself more than I love him because I deserve love and well if he isnt going to give it I need to look after my own self. Give yourself time, talk to friends, keep yourself busy all the time and find what makes you tick, find happiness for yourself, none of our souls should suffer.
(((Blu))), reading about your depression at 5 made me cry today, I just need a little nudge and it could be any random thing. My babies are not with me today, and when I thought what could be going on in my older Ds little mind about this whole sitch it made my insides churn. Argh, of all the people in the world, we had to be stupid enough to have these beautiful children with our crazy wayward spouses. But your honesty and vulnerability shows us that we are all human, we all suffer, make mistakes, pick ourselves up and keep moving towards the end of the tunnel.
Kech, I hope you will drop by soon to let us all know you and baby are doing fine. Hugs
Hi all, I'm sorry to see Kech disappeared. I had the 'luxury' of my husband returning after he left the first time. I wasn't yet been aware of this forum but all I can say is I instantly wanted to forget the whole ordeal had ever happened. I was the happiest person in the world to have my husband back and I took him back too quickly and easily. I just wanted the suffering to go away and to be feel a sense of normalcy again. Kech's husband most likely returned. Otherwise maybe she got sick? Hopefully she appreciates all of the time you all gave to her and she'll be back to thank you at some point!
You made progress for a good amount of time then pursued and had to try again?
I've been struggling with depression since I was 8 (kids picked on me, girls thought I was disgusting, etc.). I did not get formally diagnosed until my last year of college. Since that it's been drug after drug and now, a cocktail of a anti-depressant and anti-anxiety pill. I'm 37 now.
Whee.
Pain, I didn't make progress, not at all. In my thread I talk a lot about how I couldn't follow the rules and I think it just pushed him away further. I do wonder if I had DB'd from day one of BD, if he would have ever left. My reactions were extreme and I know it scared him off. I was raging one moment and crying begging the next. I told him if he couldn't commit to the M 100% then to get the h3ll out of the house. And so he ran. To her. There was a long time that I struggled with him being gone and trying to DB (about 4-6 months). It wasn't until he left her, barely came back, and then left again, that I finally threw my hands up and surrendered. At this point I got much better at it and he did a sharp 180 about 5 months later and came back. Knowing what I know now, if I had done that since day 1 (just let him go), I don't think he actually would have left. Can't change the past tho....
I am sorry to read about your depression and self medicating. It is so, so hard. I have struggled with that too and even the first couple years after H came back. I would take so many pills just to try and sleep through the night or get through a day. It got pretty bad ... Can you try and look at your time without WW as a time to do some self care and work on this? We talk about this being the gift of time and in your case, it really could be. It all depends on how you think about. Her coming back and the M being restored would not fix the depression. You know that. One silver lining I have found in my sitch is that I have been forced to really look hard at myself, with and without my H.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
(((Sia))) Thank you for that. I feel sad when I think about my depressed little girl self too :-( I wish I could go back in time and protect her. You have to realize tho, I did not have a mom like you. You talk about your little girls and your love for them, and I just know you are going to protect them and create a wonderful life for them with or without your M intact! My mom struggled with her own depression and then dating life and she just could not see what I was going through. My dad was just trying to survive as a single parent working full time and he had come from a country/family that did not have as much divorce and where the women did a lot of the care taking and holding a household together. His love and devotion for me really is what got me through, I think. I don't think he was able to see my struggles though or even knew how to help me emotionally.
Nicole, I am glad you shared that. Perhaps kech did take her WH back in and she just does not want to post or think about it. We have no idea. I think one thing we can all agree on tho, is that if we don't really look inside ourselves and commit to positive changes, the old/bad habits resurface and become patterns. That is why we see repeats in people having As and leaving Ms again. They did not, or were not able to, have introspection and make the changes necessary.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Right now, I am forcing myself to believe that W is not coming back. Especially since we both know and expressed that D is a viable option. So it is all one big question mark.
I made tremendous progress in the last three months and just hit a brick wall (pursuit). No more tea leaf reading. Working on being even a better..."pain" (You can call me "Z"...more namelike). It feels like Day 1 of the DB process but I am now aware of what not to do.
Where I get insecure is my fear of being alone. I don't need someone else to make me happy, but I have always yearned to be loved and touched/hugged/intimate. It's been 10 months so far and I see no end in sight. Those feelings bring me back to my pre-W days when it took me 17 years just to get a girlfriend. 17! This was through high school, college and five years post-college!!! That is the depressing part. And that PTSD has roared back. In a big way. W's cheating has mutated it into something truly awful.
