Unsure what's next, what to do.....

[Wanted1]

Need some advice on how to proceed....

Found out tonight my wife is still talking to OM. Here is what I think I’m gonna do, but any suggestions are appreciated.

Me: W, are you still talking to OM?

If she lies, tell her I’ve got proof. If she admits it —

Me: Ok, I think it’s terribly disrespectful to me and our marriage that you are continuing this. I don’t care if it’s “nothing”. It IS something given the history. I can’t allow such disrespect so you have a choice you are going to have to make. You can either cease talking to him and continue sleeping the basement and living in the MH while we figure out what’s next or if you want to continue talking to him, I’ll give you a couple days for you to get other arrangements figured out and then I’m going to need you to move out.

Thoughts? I’m going to be extremely calm during the convo.

[Twofeet]

People like R2C, AS, LH, or Steve could probably help you come up with an appropriate way to address WW. My only suggestion is hide your source of info. Its something I have not been good at doing. Once W knows the source she may shut that source down making it harder for you to know what's going on. If knowing what she is doing outside the MR matters to you. Whether you know what she is or isn't doing outside the MR shouldn't change your DB efforts.

[Wanted1]

People like R2C, AS, LH, or Steve could probably help you come up with an appropriate way to address WW. My only suggestion is hide your source of info. Its something I have not been good at doing. Once W knows the source she may shut that source down making it harder for you to know what's going on. If knowing what she is doing outside the MR matters to you. Whether you know what she is or isn't doing outside the MR shouldn't change your DB efforts.

He lives about 4 hours away so I’m not worried about them meeting up. However I caught her messaging him tonight in the house. I need to set a boundary. That’s why I want to bring it up to her.

[Ready2Change]

If I were you, I would read every post by PuppyDogTails before taking action.

You only have one shot at doing this right.

PDT:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=19113&type=t


Doing things at the right time is important.

[LH19]

W,

You definitely do not want to say what you wrote in your thread because it is more of an ultimatum and they don't work with WW.

The problem you have now is she has all the power in the relationship and she knows it. Again, I am not pounding on you but when she had multiple indiscretions and you over looked it and thanked her for not ding you it was a major setback.

Unless you are willing to set a strong boundary you are probably best just leaving it alone. Remember you can't control what she does, you can only decide what you are willing to tolerate.

Don't think for a second that I know this isn't easy. This is probably the hardest thing you will ever go through. Right now all the decisions you are making are to stop the pain. Unfortunately you have to walk right through it.

Before you do anything, stop and ask yourself, will this action make me look strong or weak.

[Wanted1]

Well, I did what I said I was gonna do. She kept trying to assure me “it’s nothing” and I said that is not accurate. You are still communicating with the OM you had an affair with. I needed to set this boundary for myself because I have a hard time helping with the laundry, dishes, kids etc. and this whole time she’s in the other room messaging with OM. I said it was extremely disrespectful to me and our marriage. Her response was “I’m treating this as a separation.” I told her I understand that but that doesn’t make it right especially when she’s still living in OUR house. Ended with her sobbing uncontrollably and saying she needed to collect her thoughts.

Woke up today pretty angry with me. Said she considered it a threat. I said it wasn’t a threat, that she had a choice and she needs to respect my feelings. She said “if I felt close to moving out before, last nights convo might have pushed her over the edge.”

At this point I needed to send a boundary for myself and I’ll live with the consequences. I have to. No going back. Maybe something like this is what’s needed to snap her out of her ambivalence to everything or maybe if she does move out she will then feel the real effects of that decision and give her the time and space she apparently needs. At this point I don’t care. I needed to do this for me. And I needed to show her I’m not some lap puppy waiting for her decision which I probably portrayed to her in the past. It felt like cake eating. She was getting all the benefits of staying together as a family especially when I’ve been helping out a ton more with everything around the house and kids but also continuing to talk to OM behind my back.

[LH19]

W,

I told you it sounded like an ultimatum or threat. Boundaries are tough for newbies because they are hard to enforce.

Ok she is now calling your bluff. What is your boundary? What are the consequences? I have to warn you that it better be a strong one.

[LH19]

Always come to the board first for advice. It is said often you can't make matters better right now but you can certainly make them worse.

[Wanted1]

W,

I told you it sounded like an ultimatum or threat. Boundaries are tough for newbies because they are hard to enforce.

Ok she is now calling your bluff. What is your boundary? What are the consequences? I have to warn you that it better be a strong one.

My boundary is not allowing her to be in our house claiming to be thinking through our situation and trying to make a rational decision when she still talking to OM. Not sure how you can make a decision rationally with that as a distraction. Am I wrong to set this type of a boundary?

[burned]

What you're describing is the consequence of the boundary. If you define the boundary well and make that clear to her, then she will feel safe making a decision based on the consequences you propose. Something like that. There are a bunch of threads describing boundaries here on the board, and there's a book on it by Cloud and Townsend.

I will say, from what I've learned here, that if you can set that consequence and follow through on it, you'll probably benefit from it in the long run.

What you're saying, to yourself and others, is that you have enough self-respect to refuse to allow people to treat you like that, and to act in self-protective ways when they continue to act that way despite knowing that it hurts you. I mean, of course they know that it hurts you, but people tend to push the limits of what they can get away with.

In your case you might be doing yourself a huge favor by saying, finally (after the 3rd time iirc) that you're just done living with someone who can't reliably demonstrate commitment to you or your R.

I believe Sandi is right that this is a good idea. But it is a leap of faith.

The alternative, try what I did. Set a weak boundary, give her a half-hearted ultimatum, don't follow through, let her continue to run the show, continue to show her that despite her disrespectful attitude you will continue to comply with her demands...and so on. You end up in a quagmire that, from my vantage point, feels pretty impossible to escape.