Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (5)

[Ready2Change]

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Mainly I'm just trying to warn you that you are going to experience a lot of highs and lows over the coming months and to prepare yourself for it. I spent a lot of time convincing myself I was OK and that I had accepted things, and I really thought I had. Then about 3 or 4 months after BD I suddenly went into severe depression and started having crazy anxiety attacks, two things I had never experienced in my life! There was no trigger to explain the timing, it just happened. It took months to recover from that, and it was the roughest few months I've ever experienced, worse even than the months after BD. I suspect that my trying to convince myself that I was OK and burying all my feelings was what caused it. On the outside I thought I was OK but inside there was a massive storm brewing.....We tend to try and convince ourselves that we've recovered when we're still far from it. We tell ourselves we've dropped the rope while still clenching it tightly behind our backs. 3 Months post BD I would have told you I dropped the rope. 6 months post BD I would have told you I was a fool to think that, but that by then I really HAD dropped it. Then a year later, once again I would have realized that no, I STILL had not dropped it at 6 months. Realistically it takes 1 to 2 years to well and truly drop the rope and get to the point where you really are OK with the sitch you're in and know you will be fine no matter what.

[Ready2Change]

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For those joining us at this point...I don't know what to say. The last thread taught me a lesson: gathering facts does not result in a whole lot of anything except spinning, negative emotions, fear, and the resulting bad decisions that are made based on fear.

Now I know what I know, and it hasn't resulted in any personal growth. So it's time to get out of my head. It's time to start holding myself accountable. Time to set some goals and really get to work on them, on the recommendation and relentless encouragement of Amoafwl.

Yesterday I quit drinking alone. It was getting out of hand. This was something I had been thinking of doing for a long time. And since I live alone, from now on I won't be keeping any beer in the fridge. This morning I was pretty agitated, anxious, and irritable. I know this will pass. So anyway, that was an unwritten goal that got achieved.

Good goals are SMART: specific, measurable, accomplishable, relevant, and time-bound. And they can be nested!

Here's one of my main goals: be more positive. W was always frustrated by my glass-half-full attitude, and I think it may have been a contributor to my sitch. More importantly, a positive attitude will be a contributor to a healthier relationship in the future. I have struggled with depression all of my life (and psychologists will tell you that the earlier it starts, the worse it tends to be). You could call me dysthymic on my best days.

But that goal is too abstract. It's more of a LIFE goal (long-term, important, far-reaching, and empowering -i just came up with that one myself). So let's nest some SMART goals in there that I'd like to accomplish by the end of October:

1. watch a video on positivity with Shawn Achor accomplished! (that's what led to this)
2. start and maintain a gratitude journal (I had been doing it haphazardly, now there's structure)
3. get better at making goals by reading some books on goal-setting (is this a meta-goal?) -- ordered Creating Your Best Life and The Slight Edge
4. exercise (might be tough to accomplish due to currently-broken ankle)
5. do random acts of kindness daily -- for example, floating around this board and saying encouraging things to you all, but also complimenting people at work for things they did well (I am the only male alongside 9 females with doctoral degrees, so I'll try not to compliment anyone on their attire)

There's a start. Hopefully when I accomplish goal #3 I'll get better at this. I've already learned that you have to operationalize these bad boys to the best of your ability.

[burned]

Inspiration for us newbies. Link to original post.

Yeah this is all surreal to me...the stuff that made frequent appearances in my dreams over the years. R with WAW even being discussed. It's surreal. It was all so, so long ago. So long ago after she left I sat there...in our apartment home for 17 years that was suddenly a dungeon with empty walls that once displayed our many photos and memories, and moving boxes everywhere. I was alone in deep, deep, despair. This was my beloved home just a few weeks ago...now it's all blown apart. The future was nothing to me...there was no future for me without her. However, as is everything in life...the years just FLY BY. Time doesn't care if you're balling yourself into glorious unconsciousness feeling nothing but intense, powerful despair. But it's true...life keeps going and time feels like it's flying by just like it always has. Now I'm here 4 years later (and several other lifetimes later it feels like with all that's happened since she left, girlfriends, family deaths)...it's weird. So you guys with fresh bomb drops, continue to cry yourselves to sleep if you have to, whatever it takes to make another day pass, because you never, never, NEVER know what this crazy life will unfold for you down the road. You'll live a completely different life. That post-bomb life is what gives you your strength back...and that strength is what just might attract your ex back down the road. Most importantly however, that strength gets you to a place where you are very aware you can survive just fine without WAW. She will merely now be a want, not a need.

I can't help think what a great position you will be in long-term if you guys do R. Think about it, she's already seen the other side and realized that it isn't what she had built it up to be in her head! I believe that if you do R, you will have a deeply devoted W moving forward, not wanting to chance losing what she almost lost once.

[Ready2Change]

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Just be careful. I don’t know if there’s any way to avoid it, but she will probably notice how you’re responding differently and may call you on it. Have a plan for how to respond. “I realized that my listening skills weren’t what I wanted them to be, so I’m working on them.” See, when they ask why, keep the focus on you. Then they are less likely to perceive it as manipulative. Ideally she should see an improvement and think, “Hey, he’s become a neat guy, not sure if I want to pass on that.”

But it takes time and don’t feel bad if you botch it before you start getting it right.

Also keep in mind that you can’t really win right now, so...another important component of this whole craziness is ZERO EXPECTATIONS. If you’re satisfied with how you responded well to a woman who expressed her feelings, pat yourself on the back. You learned a new skill that will serve you in life. It should make no difference to you whether it had any effect on her.

[Ready2Change]

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... out of the blue text and ask if I would like to have the dog for a few days ...

This must be in the WW playbook: Back in August, W asked me to look after the dog for the weekend. No way to know for sure, but it makes sense in hindsight: then she didn't have to be back in town before the kennel closed, freeing her to visit OM on the way back from her conference. Plain as day now. But back then I thought, "Hey, here's an opportunity to show her I've changed!" Ha.

People here say, "Don't believe anything she says." I take it a step further and say, "Believe the opposite of what she says, and if the opposite makes sense from the perspective of a selfish alien, then it's actually more likely to be true." Of course you can't say for sure, don't mind read. But learn to evaluate her behavior from a drastically different viewpoint, and test that against reality to see if it fits.

[Ready2Change]

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Well a devastating day yesterday. Got a call in the late afternoon about the passing of a close friend. Died in his sleep Monday evening.

Of course this has a lesson for us in dealing with our WASs. And anyone really. Remember, that as you are speaking to someone that it might be the last time you ever talk to them again. Make sure you can live with that being your last conversation with them. I know that in our sitches we always feel like it is life or death. But when death actually hits you realize how little everything else matters.

First Day -Last Day.
Live each day as if it is the first day of the rest of your life. Work toward your goals. Do not let the events of the past control you. Forgive those that hurt you in the past.

Live each day as if it is your last day. Do not pass up opportunities. Enjoy every moment of it.

[Ready2Change]

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Someone explained it this way:

If you're sitting there watching grass grow, it looks the same every time. If you leave and come back 3 weeks later, look how much taller the grass is. That's the goal here.

Not getting her to say, "I see you got a new shirt." That's pursuit.

More like, "Hey, I hadn't seen you in a month, and when you came over I thought you were going to scowl at me, but you had this big smile on your face. You looked confident. And you smelled nice, and you looked good in that new shirt. I like that shirt, it reminds me of what you used to wear before you stopped caring. And why do you smell nice, who's your new lady friend who gave you that cologne? I'll cut her if she steals you away from me. Hey, wait a minute, I'm not done with you, I think maybe I might want to keep you around a bit longer."

[Ready2Change]

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Next time try a different approach- don't ask her "what's wrong" or "what's going on", instead try "you look upset, is there anything I can do?" If she says no then respond "No problem. I'm sorry you're feeling down." And walk away. It may not sound much different but she will perceive you as being more empathetic and sensitive.

If she doesn't want to talk then you shouldn't take that as an insult or "shutting you down". Just respect her privacy. Remember, this isn't about YOU, it's about HER. She's going through a lot right now, she's on an emotional roller coaster. Don't ride it with her!

[Ready2Change]

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How to break the news to the children.D8, D5, S3

Now DON'T LIE, just deflect the truth.

I.E. NOW: Your child: Daddy why are you getting divorced.
TF: Honey, its really complicated and has to do with adult issues between mom and I. It has absolutely nothing to do with you kids. We both love you so much.

IE: Older: I think you should ask your mother that question

IMO LBS try to use this is a tactic to get their spouse to change their mind. Again you don't want that to be the reason she stays.

[Ready2Change]

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Yes, most people think their sitch is unique. What is similar about all of them is they think that also means DBing can't work. But here is the question for you: what is the alternative?

See you really only have two choices. Pursue and pressure. Or DB: Let her go, GAL,180 where you know you made mistakes, detach, and be the H only a fool would leave.

Do you know how many sitches pursuit and pressure works in? It is a curve approaching 0. DBing is no guarantee, but you have exponentially better odds DBing over pursuit and pressure.

I've heard so many posters here say "I ignored her, so I should 180 on that, but DBing says I need to detach". This show a blatant lack of understanding of detachment. NO WHERE ANYWHERE IN THE BOOKS OR ON THIS SITE DOES IT SAY THAT DETACHMENT MEANS IGNORING!!!! Sorry, but having to repeat that over and over again get frustrating.