Oh man, don't you hate having to remind your H that HE is the adult!!!!! Good grief! Do you really have to ask people to be a parent to their kids? It's ridiculous! Here is what I suggest- tell H that S misses his calls and set a schedule with him. Maybe it's once a week or 3 times a week or whatever, but set a repeating day and time and ask if he wants to call S or he wants S (you) to call him. Why do I think you should go to all this effort? Because S needs it. Your H is still off in la-la land so you've got to be an adult for both of you right now. Good luck!
I just don't get these mood swings of his. He can hate me or whatever, because he sure seems to even though I have no idea what I did, but to confuse our son is too much. He wanted our boy to call him when he wanted to talk, so last night I called for him to talk and H doesn't pick up the phone or return the call. I just dont get this new mood addition to his behavior.
He comes by the house, takes extra folding chairs for thanksgiving with his family, yet wont come up to our bedroom and take the rest of his personal things. My divorce lawyer contacted me via email and wants to meet up with him, H and his own attorney over financial stuff.
I just cant figure this attitude and nastiness. I told him to get our son ready to go to his place (instead of me always doing it while he just sits on the stairs and pouts) and you'd think I insulted him.
I do great most days but some days especially now I guess since the holidays are starting I feel lonely, miss my old husband who wasn't this mean monster, and I cant stop crying. I'm mad at myself because I was doing so well with meeting new people at my son's school, working hard at work, talking with friends and talking to my therapist.
I don't know how people wait this crap out even with detaching, more power too them.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
It definitely is not easy, pain18. H is in the Hospital with an issue and nobody is keeping me posted. He had felt ill and dropped our son off with me to go to urgent care but ended up in the hospital. I didnt hear anything all night and I finally asked his mom and niece this morning if they heard anything. Niece didnt know a thing about it and his mom never picked up the phone or called me. H finally texted back (no call of course) that he was in the hospital for a few days. I told him to feel better soon and he never replied.
I guess thats it then, he cant stand me, I didnt do a damn thing and he cant even keep me posted on how hes feeling. After twelve years you'd think he would be a little more courteous if anything for our son who is asking about him.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
H is in the Hospital with an issue and nobody is keeping me posted.
Why do you need to be posted about him, if he wanted you to know he would have called, not texted.
Originally Posted by Jlh
I told him to feel better soon and he never replied.
The more you pursue the more he moves away.
Originally Posted by Jlh
I guess thats it then, he cant stand me,
Then you have your answer, be with be who wants to be with you. This site offers solutions to your happiness, are you using those solutions? Are you doing the work. Stop focusing on him. This is your life, I guarantee you there is a man out there that will love you for who you are!
Now its time you be the adult and explain to your S that daddy is in the hosp and he will be ok. When you get info that the issue is serious then address it but until then let H be. Remember right now he doesnt want anything to do with you, give him what he wants.
M:52 W:49 D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20 ILYBNILWY 5/28/17 Still living together W filed 1/5/18 W moved out 8/24/18 D final 9/18/20
I just assumed that even though we are not divorced yet since he is in the hospital with a serious infection someone could have said something to me. We have a kid together to God's sake. Suddenly I'm the enemy and I did nothing to him.
I don't get how telling someone to feel better soon is pursuing, but it's fine. He can go do his own thing, I'm looking more into the D paperwork with my attorney tomorrow to move on.
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
It definitely is not easy, pain18. H is in the Hospital with an issue and nobody is keeping me posted. He had felt ill and dropped our son off with me to go to urgent care but ended up in the hospital. I didnt hear anything all night and I finally asked his mom and niece this morning if they heard anything. Niece didnt know a thing about it and his mom never picked up the phone or called me. H finally texted back (no call of course) that he was in the hospital for a few days. I told him to feel better soon and he never replied.
I guess thats it then, he cant stand me, I didnt do a damn thing and he cant even keep me posted on how hes feeling. After twelve years you'd think he would be a little more courteous if anything for our son who is asking about him.
Well that was very uncaring of him and his family to just leave you uninformed like that. Sure he may be done with the M but you are right, you would think he would ask someone to let you know just out of common courtesy. I think you did the right thing in reaching out to him and his family.
As far as him not being able to stand you, you don't know that. You really don't know what he's thinking/ feeling, and even if he does feel that way it's just for now. You have to do things without expectations. It was fine to tell him to feel better, but not fine to expect some kind of response as it didn't really warrant a response.
My ex didn't want to have anything to do with me after BD. In my snooping phase I found a message she sent to a friend that her "worst nightmare" was contracting a serious illness and having to depend on me to take care of her. That was her exact phrase- "worst nightmare". Wow did that ever hurt to read. Now, several years after BD? My ex asks me for help with things around her house all the time. She invited me to Thanksgiving at her mom's. So feelings can and do change. Your H's will as well, try to look at your current sitch as temporary. Yes he may not want much to do with you right now, but a month from now? A year from now? Who knows.
I was just thinking, when I hear that some of these walk away spouses come back after some time, are they truly remorseful over things they did during their time away from their spouses or is it more that they are scared of being alone so they try to come back?
I heard that a lot of the time the LBS will move on find happiness elsewhere and that's when the walk away spouse "sees the light" and regrets their past decisions.
Honestly, I just don't believe anymore what I read from various places on how the walk-away-spouse barely remembers what they did or said during their fog. It seems like that would mean that it's some serious brain or mental issue that they miraculously overcame.
Right now, I'm waiting for my lawyer to get back to me because H's lawyer hasn't responded to my lawyer's request for a meeting between the four of us for financial settlement reasons. I did everything my lawyer requested so far and am up to speed on everything yet he's waiting on my H's lawyer to work on their end. It's ridiculous, he wanted out so badly yet I'm the one moving along and he and his lawyer are the ones who seem to be taking their sweet time.
Basically it's like, if H DID happen to come out of his "fog" he could possibly not remember much of this according to some sites on midlife whatevers. It all just makes no sense. I've had some medical issues happen recently so talking to H was the last thing on my mind really when he picks up our son or drops him off. I have a lot on my mind for the future and wish this guy would just basically "poo or get off the pot with his issues so we can all move on."
Together for 13 years, married for 8. H is 46 I'm 40 S is 6 Bombdrop in April 2018 Still in limbo as of 2019
Who knows, it's case by case? And I think sometimes they come back but they aren't ready to accept the reality of what they have done and how it's affected people. Most WAS's have an OM/OW, so it's not fear of being alone IMO.
It's just human nature to want what you can't have. We always tell people to read the pursuit/distancer link or the picnic link. People want to be wanted.
I don't remember a lot of what I've said, ever. I remember better how I felt. Adding emotions to things tends to affect memory. WAS's and LBS's are usually going through the most emotional time of their lives.
Your H is likely the one delaying it, not his lawyer. The lawyer works for your H. If the lawyer was backlogged he would likely give a timeline.
Your attitude is probably what has him second guessing. Just keep carrying on with your life and making it better. If H comes back, we'll see how you feel about it. If he doesn't, oh well nothing changes for you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
The phenomenon that is selective memory is a real thing. When someone can convince themselves that the destructive things they are doing are right and justified, as many WSs do, it isn't that far of a leap to think that that latter they can also convince themselves that those destructive actions were actually perpetrated by someone else entirely! Humans have a big capacity to white-wash things ("I never did that!" "What I didn't isn't as bad as so-and-so is doing (even if it is the exact same thing!)."
So yes, I can believe that some WSs can "forget" what they did. My WW, when she was starting to comeback expressed remorse. But guess what, I have no doubt that the next time someone close to us starts behaving the same way with their spouse, she will be one of the most outspoken against their actions. It is kind of like reformed smokers. I used to smoke ( 25+ years ago) and now I am the most intolerant of other people's smoking of anyone I know.
Remorse is important related to moving to R. But don't be surprised if he forgets a lot of what he has done (assuming he comes back to the MR).
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
