MLC or WAW?

[EZdozit]

Hi Neff,

I get that approach and will maintain that demeanor, but I do feel I need to be a bit more stern in my delivery.

I plan to keep it to the facts, but thus far anything I tell her she deflects or shifts her roll.

I need to focus on delivering message where I avoid putting fault on her and just keep it in how it impacts S.

[neffer]

Right!

Validate her feelings if you have the chance but stand for what you agree regarding S.

[EZdozit]

So had an IC appointment yesterday and explained my sitch regarding concerns with WAW actions in handling S6 and completely disrespect for me. I showed her the text exchanges between W and I regarding the latest incident which caused me to ask to meet up with her to discuss. She pointed out W response was completely flippant and advised against meeting up with her at this time, saying that she believes her to be mentally unstable and would only cause further problems.

I am somewhat on fence with her recommendation, however this IC has also done a couple MC sessions with W and I as far back as 2 years before BD, so she knows our history well and W’s steadfast refusal to look at herself.

I’m really torn....IC has acknowledged the drastic change and improvements I’ve made with myself over last 6 months, but still feels I could be vulnerable to be roped back in.

[EZdozit]

Journaling

So I cancelled meet up with W...as my IC was correct, meeting up with her at this point won’t do anything but have her further entrenched in justifying her choices. Plus upon further reflection, I do believe I would be vulnerable.

I’m finding myself in a real funk today with reality of my marriage coming to an end. I had a doctors appointment this morning which happens to be at W place of employment. The staff doctor wanted to schedule another 6 month appt. where it dawned upon me that I won’t have privileges there anymore 6 months from now as I’m on w insurance. This is the first real incident where I’m faced with the fact that I will be divorced in all likelihood 6 months from now.

I know that people likely move between the stages of grief....today I feel as if I moved back 2 notches and pain and sadness ensued. Despite all the stuff W has done to me and S...I still see a glimmer of a future with w...growing old together...yada yada. I know the only way to get through this pain is straight through. Likely the doctor apt triggered these emotions.

Today I have feelings that are as fresh as when BD occurred.

[AnotherStander]

Sorry to hear about the bad day, it happens but man it really is unpleasant. Regarding your earlier question:

My only concern is if we do engage in any activities as a unit, it might cause S to have false hope.

Anyone at a similar stage still engage in family activities with kids? Has it caused any problems?

My ex and I continued to have joint birthday parties and Christmas exchanges after BD, throughout S and D and continue it to this day. Early on we agreed that we would always be united for the kids and that's how we treat those events- we are coming together not for each other but for our kids. Two weekends ago my mom had her 80th birthday and my sister organized a surprise party and my ex helped plan it and went to it even though it was a 300 mile drive one way. I'm sure that sounds crazy to a lot of people here and I'm not suggesting everyone should do it, I'm just saying it is possible to have joint activities peacefully should you choose to do so. But they key is you have to have zero expectations that it means anything.

[EZdozit]

Yesterday evening S inadvertently caused me to break a DB rule and it sucked me down a rabbit hole. After picking him up from school and going to gym, went home for dinner. Afterwards I let S have a bit of downtime while I finished up folding laundry upstairs. I got done and went to check on S where I see he had found a memory book of all the trips W & I went on our 1st 7 years together prior to him being born and was flipping through the pages. I asked S where he found that as I had no idea it was in house. S tells me a place I would’ve never thought and then says he wanted to look at the book to “remember the good times.”

S then asked if it could be his bedtime book. I got caught up in my S’s disappointment and agreed. Got him ready for bed and then flipped through book telling him our tales of various trips to CA, FL, Europe, Caribbean, etc.
I thought I could do this while maintaining myself into the now but quickly got smacked in the face with emotions.

I kept a stoic front with S until he went to sleep, but when I left room I was caught up in my own thoughts. Tried tempering these by occupying myself with a home project....just didn’t work. I had already had one of my worst days yesterday with my doctor appointment, but that put a huge cap on what I can chalk up as worst since BD.

I figured I’d start fresh today, but there was been a carryover. Just hope that this is temporary and I go straight through this pain and re-up my focus DB’ing.

GAL activities today include 7 mile run, divorcecare group meeting, freshen up my resume.

Hope to avoid these moments going further, but know I need to be the best father first and foremost and be available to S’s needs and emotional state as it’s hitting him very hard.

I think when I get son next I will tell him that we will start on making our own memory book for just him and I that details our adventures together. Will start with our trip to San Diego from last May...

[neffer]

An excellent idea EZ!

[EZdozit]

Huge development in my situation happened today. For last 3 years I’ve had a legal issue hanging over my head that was scheduled to go to trial in November. This has been a huge cause of stress not only for me, but WAW, and played a huge role in the diminishing of my mr.....today I was notified that the case was being dismissed and charges dropped as the DA reviewed further evidence and determined case wasn’t strong enough to proceed. A HUGE burden lifted that has been weighing on my livelihood.

I don’t know if this will impact my MR in any way.....but having this burden off my life now allows me to fully be AMOAFWL.

[SteveLW]

Great news EZ! Now double down on the DBing efforts.

[EZdozit]

GAL activities today....

5 mile run, group meeting which I led, coffee with my mentor.

S’s preschool contacted me to see if it would be ok to use S photo to highlight “future achievers” in neighborhood magazine ad. One of his ps teachers also reached out about possible date....she’s 12 yrs younger. Just floored I’m starting to get attention from opposite sex again...

Tentatively flying to Jacksonville next week to secure a new job..

Contacted L and requested again to finalize D. Radio silence from W counsel.

Today was best day I’ve had in 3 years....

DB efforts moving forward!!