A new mindset for Burned. This is thread 7.

[MoveFrwd]

There's not much I can do to worsen the sitch.

Au contrare, there is pleny you can do to worsen the sitch.
.

This is true. There are a lot of things you can do to make things worse. Any time you pursue her, you are making things worse.

But "not cooperating" is not really going to make anything worse. Following the program, following the "rules"....those are designed to avoid making things worse.

[EZdozit]

Burned,

My WAW filed D as a direct result of my pursuit and pressuring her back in June before I discovered DB. I had been sending all all sorts of communications, articles on impacts of D, reasoning to her why we could “easily” sort through our issues, etc. I finally called her and straight asked her if we had a chance....on a Friday.

The following Monday she calls and tells me she filed...and then said she didn’t want to serve me but tells me to go to the courthouse to pick them up. (WAW brains). Fortunately I had retained L by then and was able to have papers sent to his office.

Since June very little has happened. No court date, hearings, etc have occurred. We are in agreement on all major issues with custody, parenting time, division of assets. My sitch is similar to yours where W was all friendly and nice when I was in my fog and went along with all her demands....since I’ve gotten more assertive and not accommodating her every wish...she’s gotten very cold and vindictive. Her attorney has been milking her on small petty items that are irrelevant in the big picture. W knows I’m vehemently opposed to D.

Almost 2 week’s ago and requested that my attorney request to finalize D proceedings ASAP. Yet her council refused request and my attorney hasn’t had any dialogue and is confused as well. (WAW brain??). At this point I have no idea what’s going on in her head...but know I’m now prepared for whatever comes next. I’m good with who I am and that matters most at the end of the day.

[hoosjim]

You have to learn to be still.

^^^This is great advice. You don't always need to be "doing something"... at least WRT your WW and your MR. Or, really, with anything. Sometimes it is valuable just to be alone with one's thoughts. So much of the current generation (and, IMO, really everyone since about 10 or so years ago) seems to need constant stimulation... to be move move moving, at least mentally. The value of inaction, introspection, and mindfulness are ridiculously undervalued in our society these days.

One of the touchstones that really served as a good foundation for me and my W as we took the first hesitant steps towards piecing was mindfulness and "being fully present in the moment." It was valuable for me, individually, as well, and will serve you well in all your relationships, romantic or otherwise.

[burned]

Maintaining my new mindset. Setting teeny, tiny goals and accomplishing them, for the most part. GAL last night was dinner with my sister and her H who flew in from out of town. GAL tomorrow is board game night. Might play a game called Munchkin, which I was told I need to try.

But "not cooperating" is not really going to make anything worse. Following the program, following the "rules"....those are designed to avoid making things worse.

I reviewed the rules, and found that since Saturday I have only been in violation of 14, 31, and 32. I think what I meant here was that I don't think things can get a whole lot worse than they are.

The thermostat saga continues today. WW and I hadn't talked about it in a week. The last time we talked about it she said she would use the shared account to pay for someone to fix them. I said that's fine with me and left it at that. (In between then and now was the "money fight" saga.) So since Saturday, dead silence from her until she texted me today to tell me that she had new thermostats installed (i.e., didn't fix the new ones because she couldn't, didn't reinstall the old ones as I recommended). She told me how much it cost and asked me what to do with the "old" ones (the new ones that I wasn't able to install before S). I said the cost was fine, and she can donate the old ones or recycle them.

So, in the name of shedding light on the WW mentality, not mind-reading: WTH?! I see pretty much no reason to send me the text, since I gave the impression that I don't care what she does with the thermostats or the money. No need to tell me exactly what happened or how much it cost. She hasn't communicated with me about anything else whatsoever. It feels like she's needling me, baiting me, or trying to make me feel guilty, or all of the above.

I was warned that my interactions with her would get worse after I went dark. That's what I think this is. When they do this kind of thing, what are they trying to accomplish? I'm asking only because I tend to be very naive about interpersonal interactions, and this is a useful arena for learning how to look at things more carefully.

No idea what to make of it but it doesn't matter. Just wondering if there's something to be learned from this, besides the futility of focusing on her.

[MoveFrwd]

GAL tomorrow is board game night. Might play a game called Munchkin, which I was told I need to try.

Have fun! It's not a very deep game, but it's fun the first couple times through the cards. Enjoy.

The last time we talked about it she said she would use the shared account to pay for someone to fix them.
(In between then and now was the "money fight" saga.)

Im not really sure what was confusing. You had a 'fight' about money (especially joint money) and she used probably a decent amount to buy and install something for the house. Im not sure she was really asking permission since it was already done, but more just apprising you of what happened since youre going to see it on the statement at some point. I wouldnt read any more into it than that.

since I gave the impression that I don't care what she does with the thermostats or the money.

I disagree. You gave an impression that you care a LOT about money just Saturday.....

It feels like she's needling me, baiting me, or trying to make me feel guilty, or all of the above.

I think this is you projecting onto her. Do you feel needled? baited? guilty? I think shes just reporting a fact that broke your....rhythm. Accept it for what it is, reply, and move on.

I was warned that my interactions with her would get worse after I went dark. That's what I think this is. When they do this kind of thing, what are they trying to accomplish? I'm asking only because I tend to be very naive about interpersonal interactions, and this is a useful arena for learning how to look at things more carefully.

I dont see how this is bad? Unless she was screaming at you in all caps or adding tons of snide comments or something. But what you wrote sounded like she just sent you the facts and you got yourself into a tizzy about it. Are you expecting...more? something different?

[burned]

OK good feedback. I was making more out of it than I needed to. Definitely wanted to check on it but it makes sense.

My rhythm is just "moving on" and "letting her go" and "focusing on me," right? That's getting a little easier day by day. Just not used to the silence. Although the silence makes it possible for me to not think about how any of this is affecting her..........as long as I'm careful to actually not think about it.

[burned]

Well IC this morning was a grand ol' time. Basically an hour of him trying to convince me that pretty much the only thing standing in the way of my own growth is me. Well, me, plus wishful thinking about what I used to have. Or the illusion of what I used to have, what I thought I used to have. But mainly my own unwillingness to take ownership of my life and make the necessary changes now that the past is "off the menu."

And then on the way to the car I was thinking about what Amoafwl said a couple days ago, something about how W standing in the way of my growth isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm probably butchering it. But the net result was a realization:

W was standing in the way of my growth, in a lot of ways. In fact, when you take a bird's eye view of the entire MR, W comes across as very controlling. I'll accept responsibility for my NGS but a Nice Guy was JUST the kind of person she needed. For what? To feel good about herself? To control someone else because she didn't feel like she could control herself? It has ALWAYS been about control. In fact, at one point after BD I said to her, "You know, W, you're complaining now that I'm incapable of taking care of myself, that I don't have a life of my own, that I don't spend time with my own friends...YOU created this. You spent a few years training me to be dependent on you, and convinced me that that's what real devotion looks like. So I went with it, thinking that's what would make you happy. And now you're telling me you can't stand how dependent I am, and you want out because the M became all about me taking care of you."

Why? Maybe because I stopped playing along? Maybe my obstinacy was a REACTION to her attempts to control me. And when that stopped working, she got fed up and went on to find someone else to control. I'm guessing OM is a softie, too. So sensitive, so wounded. Perfect target.

And now she's even more angry because I stopped cooperating with her, so she doesn't have control over how this whole sitch will play out. And thinking about what Sandi says about the attitude of the WW, controlling, resentful, selfish...it continues to make sense. So here's what I think will be interesting to see. Burned 2.0 will make his own decisions and won't let other people control him. Will that appeal to W 1.0, at all? Will Burned 2.0 even care?

Hoo, boy. Lots to digest here.

Side note, on a more practical DB level, IC agrees that I need to just shut up and learn to cook once and for all. So tomorrow night I'm making a one-skillet meal: paella.

[Ready2Change]

Separation DOES work...Do you know what this gift is?

R2C, can you elaborate please? Either here or on my thread...

Well I believe the main gift is the opportunity for personal growth. In his case, getting out of a physically abusing relationship...and hopefully ending it.....

Each persons gift is different.

One of my gifts:
I believe I have a much better relationship with my children.

One of your gifts:
Finding the DB support system.


My Ex-wife is on her own path. She is still stuck the way she was. How sad is that?

[burned]

One of your gifts:
Finding the DB support system.

Truth! And generally improved relationships with everyone except W. Better at judging the intentions and actions of others. More compassionate, a little bit better at listening. More "awake."

My Ex-wife is on her own path. She is still stuck the way she was.

I've heard a lot of people say that, both here and in real life. Almost like the one who gets dumped is better off in the long run.

And as for separations, can't say I'm a huge fan but one of AS's comments made me realize that it probably beats the alternative. Once I accepted it for what it was, it started paying off. Time will tell.

[Ready2Change]

And as for separations, can't say I'm a huge fan but one of AS's comments made me realize that it probably beats the alternative. Once I accepted it for what it was, it started paying off. Time will tell.

I am still a fan of not leaving the marital home and moving back into the master bed room. This is for the "Nice Guys". 95% of us here. We give the OPTION to the spouse:

"You are free to sleep where ever you like. I decided I like the master bedroom and will be sleeping here"

The "Bad Boys" need to change different behaviors. They are already assertive. They are already dominate. They need to learn not to physically control their spouse.