Quotes Found on DivorceBusting Forums (5)

[Ready2Change]

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Two things here:

1. Steve85 is right.
2. Steve85 is right.
3. Steve85 is right, and others will also tell you, every time, that the rules have changed. No, the entire game has changed. In my case, BD happened because I was "checked out." So I pursued and pressured to prove that I was all in again. And that got me nowhere. The old game is over. You're not counting touchdowns anymore. You're playing tennis now, so you have to win at least 4 points at least 6 times at least twice to win the match. And that's if the other player is phoning it in. Which the WW is not.
4. Steve85 is right because he has taken all of the crazy huge amounts of information all over thee boards and distilled it down to like 3 or 4 things you just do it, do it, do it, don't question it, and save yourself MONTHS of pain. Go back to my posts from August and see what happens when you don't listen to Steve.

OK, that was 4 things. But I think you needed a 2x4 early in the game because you have SO much more potential at this point before you start doing things to make it worse.

That being said, you did point out something crucial. Write down everything she said, once you're done being ticked off about how she exaggerated it. THOSE are the things you need to 180 on, at some point. But not to show her how "all in" you are. That will backfire.

[Ready2Change]

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Don't be "weirded out" by anything she says or does b/c I am giving you fair warning that she will give very dramatic scenes of "Woe is Me". She will cry, fall down on the floor, fall into your arms...….whatever it takes to make you feel sorry for her. Yeah, the cheater who is having a pity party wants the betrayed spouse to pet her and soothe away the consequences that come from cheating and breaking up a home. Ironic, isn't it?

I want you to remember something. Just b/c she's throwing these big dramatic scenes and crying how she "just wants her baby", does not mean that one thing has changed in her. Not a thing! She's just as wayward as she ever was! This dramatic acting is nothing more than her trying to manipulate your emotions. Notice how she even hugs you when she starts to leave. Stop and think about it. How twisted is that? She wants her cake with icing galore. I realize it may be difficult to witness one of these performances, but just stick to your guns. Don't feel sorry for her. The WW has to experience the consequences of her actions. Not being able to have her child whenever she decides she wants to spend time with him, or get a look at him...….is just one of those consequences. Not that you are punishing her, but b/c whenever a mother decides to break up her home, she has to give the other parent his equal share of time with the child. In some cases, it may be more or less equal time. At any rate, this was her doing, and for her to expect (and yes, she does expect) you to feel sorry for her and give her what she wants in that moment...….is ludicrous. But, that's the mindset of the WW. In spite of everything she's done to hurt you, she still feels entitled to whatever she wants.

If you ever want to put it to a test, just say "no" (or don't sway from your stance) whenever she is throwing one of these dramatic performances. Don't hug her. Don't show sympathy, b/c she has to see that you aren't buying into her performance. Understand? The WW is trying to sucker you into feeling sorry for her and serving her a big ole slice of cake. If she gets mad at you, then rest assured nothing has changed in her......and this little scene was the equivalent to a spoiled brat falling on the floor and bawling, to get you to give in to her. However, should she quietly cry and calmly accept your decision, then that's a good sign. It is one of the first signs of her accepting the reality she has caused, and knowing in her heart that she doesn't deserve so much as a kind word from you. In other words, a little dose of humility does a world of good.

When the entire picture of a WW is observed (whether it's her pity parties, manipulation, rebellion, resentment, etc.) you'll see the sense of entitlement and selfishness in her. That's what the H is really dealing with. He gets distracted by other things, but if he will watch, he'll see how everything is centered on her.

I may sound like a cold hearted b'tch, but I'm really not. I just know how cold hearted a WW can be. I know as long as her H is vulnerable to her tricks, he's going to continue to get played. So, I keep showing up, telling you guys to beware.

((hugs))

[Ready2Change]

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It is strange that they suddenly get curious about what you are up to after they've left. He is forever asking me questions "where are you going", "who are you going with". I am not particularly forthcoming and he doesn't push (as this would indicate interest). When I was late home last week he casually said "trouble with the trains" and I replied "nope - went out for a quick drink". He didn't say anything after that, what he could he say, we are not together anymore and how I spend my time is my business, but he did look away. I didn't mention the drink was coffee and that I drank it in a coffee shop by myself.

[Ready2Change]

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I write here for me. Sorting through the jumble in my head and putting it into structured and articulate (sometimes) sentences helps me to separate the emotion from the event. The hurt from the act. Writing gives me a more detached perspective. So, in and of itself, journaling is cathartic.

[Ready2Change]

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I know. I think of him too much. But there are no expectations. I know my looking good in a dress isn't going to suddenly make him realize he is a fool for leaving me. He knows what I look like.

When he left I was broken. Months of him belittling me, criticizing me and telling me he loved me but wasn't attracted to me, had made me doubt myself. I have slowly been rebuilding, putting the pieced back together. The shock of finding out he was dating threw me in a spin. But it has taken less time to heal - because I already had six months of working on me. So, now I make the effort for me. So I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I am becoming. I make an effort out of self respect. It is a bonus that he notices.

He is reaching out an awful lot at the moment. Pleasant conversation, all children based. I was cool and aloof. As was he.

[Ready2Change]

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Thought I would share this tidbit I got from my DB coach yesterday :

He explained detaching with love very, very well to me. He said to think of my W as my sister right now. You love your siblings, but in a different way than your S.

When detaching with love you need to treat your W how you would treat your sister. He said when your sister has a bad day or is in a seemingly bad mood, that doesn't usually translate to your feelings and emotions becoming negative as well.

Basically, your feelings shouldn't/can't mirror her feelings and emotions. Don't let your W's bad mood ruin your day. I thought this was a phenomenal way to look at how to detach with love. Helped me out big time. I realize that I can still interact with my W in a loving way but if she's having a bad day, I can't let that get me down. Continue to be positive and upbeat. I think before I was confusing detaching with love with more or less going dark. Two totally different techniques and mindsets.

[RR17]

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Thought I would share this tidbit I got from my DB coach yesterday :

He explained detaching with love very, very well to me. He said to think of my W as my sister right now. You love your siblings, but in a different way than your S.

When detaching with love you need to treat your W how you would treat your sister. He said when your sister has a bad day or is in a seemingly bad mood, that doesn't usually translate to your feelings and emotions becoming negative as well.

Basically, your feelings shouldn't/can't mirror her feelings and emotions. Don't let your W's bad mood ruin your day. I thought this was a phenomenal way to look at how to detach with love. Helped me out big time. I realize that I can still interact with my W in a loving way but if she's having a bad day, I can't let that get me down. Continue to be positive and upbeat. I think before I was confusing detaching with love with more or less going dark. Two totally different techniques and mindsets.

I think that's a good way to describe it. I believe I aspire to maintain this attitude in all my relationships. unEnmeshed

[Ready2Change]

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Sorry to hear about the in-and-out from your H, but that's to be expected. He came back too soon and did not do any of the work he needs to do. I'd say chances are good he'll be back again so here are some suggestions:

1. DO NOT let him just move back in on a moment's notice. He needs to learn you don't have a revolving door that he can use whenever. He also needs to learn that he could lose you.

2. Prepare a list of requirements before he can move back in. The minimum on that list should be IC and MC sessions BEFORE he moves back. Another item should be TOTAL TRANSPARENCY meaning you can look at his phone whenever you want without warning. If he cries about it then explain he's given up his right to be trusted and he has to rebuild that trust through transparency.

3. Insist that he write a letter, email or text to OW ending things and telling her he is committed to you, and make him send it while you are watching.

If he REALLY wants to come back he will be willing to do all of this and more. Like you said there needs to be remorse on his part and he is not there yet, he has to hit bottom and he hasn't. Hitting bottom usually doesn't happen until after they realize they've probably lost their LBS for good.

[burned]

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In short, he won't come back to stay and be motivated to do the work until he believes he can't come back. He won't believe he can't come back until YOU believe you don't want him back. That levels the playing field for a new relationship to start where one of you isn't "one down" to begin with.

In addition, you need to be good with yourself without him -- you need to be happy and confident. You need to be the best "you" you can be, you need to lead a life that anyone would want to share. If you can do that, then he'll be lucky to have you because you are the prize to be won.

The challenge, therefore, has really nothing to do with him or what he thinks, feels or does, and everything to do with what do YOU need to do to be happy, excited about life, and the best person you can be?

Focus on that.

[Ready2Change]

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Let me try to give you an analogy. Your W loves steak and has ate steak everyday since she was 15. 20 years later she makes a mistake and orders chopped liver. She eats it and thinks it's amazing. Not because chopped liver is better then steak because we know it's not, it's just because it's different. Now eventually after eating chopped liver for awhile and realizing that is the only kind of food available she will long for the steak dinner she once had.

Those are the only feelings I have left. I get angry at times when my D struggles with the divorce that my ex didn't try harder.

I can promise you that D is not as bad as you think it is and your children will be fine as long as you and your w are amicable. Also, there are some amazing women out there who have been wronged by men who are willing to do anything for a good man.

I have been around here long enough to know you are a good strong man who will be just fine in the next chapter in your life.