TF- you are having an impact you can't know what she is thinking but she is giving you signals. What you have to be careful of is her actions are trying to figure out if you are still available. If she knows you are available she will keep doing what she's doing. You showing her you are not going to be available will make her start to think about whether or not she should actually go through with this. As long as you are a safe back up she's gone. As soon as she thinks you won't be there to catch her when she falls she will start to second guess her decisions. Dude you have only been doing this a very short time.. From BD to reconciliation for me was actually a quick 14 months. During that time period I had moved out and was living on my own for 8 of those months. I did so many things wrong, and reading your posts I wish I had done it the way you are doing it right now. I know you think this is hopeless right now I had felt that same way so many times, but we made it, and boy am i routing for you to make it too.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
I am so done with this asset stuff. She either doesn't get it or refuses to get it. I had to explain it to her multiple times what 50/50 means. Our state law is community property ie 50/50. She got frustrated, and almost started crying. She says I am being selfish and screwing her over. Said she wasn't going to talk to me about this again, that she didn't need my money, said she makes more money and will be fine without me. I just actively listened, I threw in some validation of her feelings without agreeing with her. This was all due to her giving me an outlandish value for some of the things she was leaving and wanting to buy new. Example she wanted 1k for dining table. I said I will not buy a her a new dining table at 1k. Since we both own our table 50/50 and I am keeping it I will buy out her half at the value we think the table is worth. Basically, we have every thing is split down the middle except for a few items that she wants me to give her cash for at a value more than they were worth new. I even had to draw out basic finance sheets to explain how it works giving examples with our auto, and other material goods for demonstration. My favorite part of the night was "TF someday you will get it, someday I hope you will finally figure it out." (This isn't the first time she has said this since BD.) I said "Can you explain to me what you mean by that. I really don't understand, and I want to get it." She said "No I will not explain it to you" (also not the first time she can't or won't explain what getting it means) I told her communication was important for me to understand her and that I cannot read her mind. I have not been able to read her mind if I did we might not be in this situation. I told her if we can work on improving our communication going forward we can properly understand each other and prevent arguments & frustration. At this she got even more angry at me and said she was done talking to me for the night. I told her that I can respect that and I left her alone. However she wasn't done as she has text me about some finance questions wrt her home purchase.
Well I think we are done with that part of the divorce. Tomorrow, I am going to try tackling the telling the kids script with her. I expect more of her getting angry, not managing her emotions, blame, trying to argue with me, etc. Sometimes I feel like its similar to dealing with my kids. The difference is that I don't talk to her in a parenting tone, and I keep us as equals. It requires a lot of patience, but this is getting old real fast, and I will not be a doormat. Still not sure about the second chance stuff R2C or Again18 talked about. If there is second chances its going to be a long way down the road. I am looking forward to being alone for a while. It will give me time to turbo charge my GAL and really work on self-improvement with little interruptions. At least few interruptions is what I am hoping for.
Last edited by Twofeet; 10/23/1803:53 AM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
You are being attractive to your wife. Let her be angry. Those are HER emotions. You are the rock. This is attractive.
You are on the right road. Second chance is a long way down the road. Still no guaranties. The time alone is valuable. Use it wisely. Learn, practice, change, keep growing.
Good luck with the pre-discussions relating to telling the children.
Hold tight to your core values. Communicate clearly to wife. Set your boundaries. I statements. "I will not lie". "I will be listening more than talking" Ask her lots of questions. "How are you going to start?" "How are you going to handle Child A if he bla bla bla...", list off the top two or three worse behaviors you can think of.
"I will support you if you state it like that" "I will support you if you change your words to this and that...."
"I am here to support you in your decision even though I disagree"
Think of as many statements like this before hand. Go in calm. relaxed. and ready.
You can handle it.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Well we didn't get to work on the telling the kids script tonight. She wanted to revisit the assets talk. This time to talk about splitting up accounts. I preemptively split out my portion of cash into a new account to protect myself. She has been spending like crazy, mostly for her new house. So when she found out she got really upset, started yelling, putdowns, the whole nine yards. Said she is tired of me always controlling her life. I asked her to explain, she said I just want to argue, I said when have I argued with you tonight? I just want to listen. Per usual she refused to explain her statements. I caught myself raising my voice following her raised voice , but I would quickly stop. I told her I was going to walk away if she was going to keep yelling and being hurtful and disrespectful. I told her when she was ready to have an adult conversation and not argue I would speak to her. She quickly changed her tune when I started walking. Anyway she got exactly what she was supposed to in cash and she is going to start a new account tomorrow. She threw a fit for nothing, the cash she got was the same amount I have been telling her for 2 weeks. When we sat down and I showed her hard numbers she would throw in some snotty jabs. I would say sorry you feel that way. What you are saying is mean spirited and we are trying to work through this together and I going to need you to keep those comments to yourself. She stopped. Afterwards she was too tired to talk about the kids. She was afraid that it would end badly so we will talk tomorrow night.
I was thinking, it's funny she has a relative who entered a EA while married, divorced his W and is still with that EA. She never liked that relative, but after the EA she treats him like a pariah. Now she is likely in an EA (don't know or care anymore), going to D me, and treats me with the same level of contempt as this realative.
The other thought I had was how difficult it is to communicate with her anymore. I have learned and am still learning new communication skills, and refuse to argue or fight with her. In this aspect I feel like I am growing and she is still stuck in the same rut of yelling, fighting, name calling, etc. when dealing with stressful situations. Good thing I have learned how to build healthy boundaries.
Last edited by Twofeet; 10/24/1802:59 AM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Think of it as you are helping your bratty sister.
Watch Clint Eastwood movies and watch how he handles things.
It's funny you mention that. She wants the D, but I end up doing a majority of the legwork so I can protect myself, then I have to walk her through thing or inform her on topics.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
W called to talk about her upcoming moving day next month. She asked if I could take the the kids to my parents. So they dont have to witness the move or be in the way. I said if you are trying to protect them our yourself they will still be living with you, they know it will happen. She said it was for her and for them, so I agreed. However, I need to clarify with her tonight that I will not be taking them or staying with them during the move as I think she was implying. I will be staying at home during the move to prevent any potential funny business.
What is really hitting me right now is the reality of it all. Basically 2 weeks as family then I only get to see my kids 50% of the time. And my W? I guess I will see her as she sees fit as I won't and can't pursue any R with her anymore. My reality......Not that I was in denial it's just that I am getting closer to the edge and I am going to have to face it, face my fears and take the blind leap of faith.
I have been reading and watching vids of M restorations. Just to keep a little hope alive. Very, very few are from a man's perspective. Most are from wives who wanted to restore there marriage. It's a bit disheartening, but I will manage and keep being strong. I will be okay for myself and my children. I will be the lighthouse.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
I wanted to comment first on your apprehension of seeing the kids only 50% of the time. First off your kids are young and I am guessing in activities so it will be more like 60-65%. I have a good friend who travels a ton for work who is still married and actually sees his daughter less then I see my kids.
Getting her out of the house quick is going to be the best thing for you. First off it reduces the stress big time. The mood of the house will now be set on only how you feel and not the moods or feelings of a another adult. No more worrying about what she is thinking, who she is texting etc.
Next the house is yours to do what YOU want with it. I took my living room that I only hung out in on Christmas day (true story) because it was a sitting room (WTF) and put a big a$$ fuching 75 inch TV on the wall. Ain't a sitting room anymore its a man cave lol. All new furniture and it's the best! Plus it's so different there are no sad memories about it because I was never in there.
IMO these quick Ds are the best thing for reconciliation. Time and space are the only thing that turns these around long term.
Quick story: My best friend had an A 15 years ago with a married woman. She left her husband he left his girlfriend. They got together and were dating and everything was good until her ex husband got a girlfriend. She flipped $hit and ran back to him and they remarried and had another child. These things do happened. My exw's brother remarried his w and then divorced for a second time lol. You never know.
