I can handle my pain, but this is another layer. As the father, to see my D in pain like that, caused by us ... not good. Not good at all.
My H said on more than one occasion that the kids are in college now, they will be fine. I know my kids, and knew how hard even a trial separation would be on them. As I told them, without H, I saw that I was correct. I believe H wants to convince himself they will be fine so he doesn't have to face the guilt. Our MC, whom I see occasionally as my IC, said I was very wise to recognize that D if also hard on adult children. Not just the ones still at home.
Wow, went away for the weekend and got bumped to page 7. Busy busy board. Quick update - Wife is still being very nice/cordial. We don't talk about R, therefore almost everything seems "normal". I went away for GAL this weekend, she texted a few times, be safe, have fun etc. I went digging for A proof, still cannot find any. She has been honest with me every time I get suspicious. Example - I woke up at 2AM the other night, could not fall back asleep. Hopped on FB and happened to notice she was on messenger about an hour earlier. Odd at 1 AM. The next day during idle chit chat, I asked how she slept in the spare room, She said, I woke up about 1AM with back killing me, could sleep so I hopped on my phone for a bit and chatted with some friends till I was tired enough to go back to sleep. We hit Costco and a few other places, all idle chit chat and some jokes. She just seems so unfazed by all this. Like this in house separation is just part of normal everyday life. She is very strong willed and stubborn. Not sure she would even say something if she had/had a change of thoughts.
I'm doing ok, some days better than others, I am trying like hell to GAL, even if it's going out and walking the mall. Just trying to get away from the house. Songs and movies about love drive me into thought mode, funny how every song is about me and her right now. Like when you buy a new car and suddenly see them everywhere on the road, Hard to get out of "love"&"heartbreak" mode.
Need some advice here - The first week of Nov I took a week off work. Have not told her. I have several options for GAL that week, I have a buddy who wants me to go tour KY Bourbon distilleries with him. I have a brother asking me to come stay with him (possible gold panning trip). While I have not decided what exactly I am going to do (may just do something myself also), what should I tell the W? I'll be gone all week, which is rare for me. I want to use this opportunity to explore a bit of myself but to also make her miss my daily presence. Keep in mind I have 2 daughters D24 and D13 who will both be texting me and wondering where I am. Anything said to them will certainly be relayed to W. Also, while trying to detach more, I seem to be cold. She actually said to me the other day, you sure have been cold the past few days, you ok? I just said yeppers, sure am, did not mean to be cold. I am trying to balance being the lighthouse for her and detach at the same time. When I GAL, it's not an issue as there is limited communication and not face to face. But because we still live together, there is still a lot of face to face time. I have tried treating her like a sister, nice but firm. Did not like the way it made me feel. I have tried pretending we are on a first date, be kind, validate etc.. but first dates require a lot of engagement and probing, just to keep the date going. I fear this is a step back from detaching, but want to be that lighthouse none the less. I also fear pulling away too much would invite an A into the picture to give her that feeling she must be craving, as it's been over a month without any real emotional connections between us or her and anyone, She has pulled away from her family emotionally also. She used to talk to her mom every day, several times a day. Recently they have very short convos, if at all.
OK - brain purge over for now. Thoughts / advice anyone?
PS - While at the beach, my buddy decided now that I am separated, it would be a good time to fulfill his wife's fantasy of having 2 men at once. They invited me into their bedroom Friday night after some drinks. I declined. Wondering if I should have ... Her breakfast was awesome though!
BD date - 9/16/18 Married 28 years D24 - D13 - GD3 47 Years old
NIbs
BD Date - 9/16/18 Me-47 Her -47 D24 D13 GD3 In house seperation
As far as the W, don't tell her what you're doing other than you'll be away for a few days. If you guys were divorced, like she says she wants, would you tell her everything you do and everywhere you go? So let her wonder, because her not getting to know about you is a consequence of her decision.
And this trip should be a trip for you to do something you want to do. If you have the attitude of "I want to make her miss me" then that attitude is going to come through. So recheck your agenda there
I'd stop looking at what she's doing on social media, and stop bringing it up. She's going to figure out that you're stalking her and it's going to make you look crazy. So go do something else.
Detaching doesn't need to be cold. You should be upbeat around her, but don't go overboard. Dress well, put on cologne, and put your best foot forward. When she speaks, respond casually and warm (if you normally treat people warmly). But don't "over-engage". Keep it brief. You pulling away does not invite an affair. If she is going to do that she is going to do that and she cannot blame her actions on you. She's an adult.
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PS - While at the beach, my buddy decided now that I am separated, it would be a good time to fulfill his wife's fantasy of having 2 men at once. They invited me into their bedroom Friday night after some drinks. I declined. Wondering if I should have ... Her breakfast was awesome though!
Please remember that you are married. If you want your wife to honor her vows you should honor yours. Remember that whole "lighthouse" thing you posted about?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
PSS - W was diagnosed with Menopause by OBGYN after hormone panel tests, just last week. Yay - something new to google and learn about.
Could be a big contributing factor. Some women are largely unaffected by this change-of-life while others can come to view things dramatically differently. My ex went through menopause during BD and I'm convinced it was a factor, maybe even THE factor. There's nothing you can do other than DB- get out and GAL while giving her time and space. For the longest time I told people here that my ex permanently changed after menopause and was no longer the same person. Just in the last 6 months she's suddenly started showing signs of her old self though.
