Unsure what's next, what to do.....

[burned]

Maybe something like this is what’s needed to snap her out of her ambivalence to everything or maybe if she does move out she will then feel the real effects of that decision and give her the time and space she apparently needs. At this point I don’t care. I needed to do this for me. And I needed to show her I’m not some lap puppy waiting for her decision which I probably portrayed to her in the past.

underlined: correct
bold: right motive
strikethrough: wrong motive

[Rose888]

Never set a boundary you can't enforce. It makes you look weak.

In most places in the Western world (I haven't followed your thread closely enough to know where you are), you can't *make* a spouse move out of the marital home.

Now, if you say, "I won't live in the same house as you while you are talking to OM, and if you don't move out by X date, I will" then *that's* a boundary you can enforce. That's about you and is completely in your control.

Whether it's a smart move, is another thing, but it is at least a boundary.

What you've done is leave the enforcement of the boundary up to her. If she doesn't move out, what will you do next?

[Wanted1]

Good point. $&@/. Now what do I do?

[burned]

Less is more. Do nothing. Wait to see what happens. Think about several possibilities, and have an idea of your head of what your response would be for each scenario.

Always keep in mind two things:

1. is this action based on love or a need?
2. does this action come from a place of strength or weakness?

[LH19]

W,

The first thing you have to do is stop shooting yourself in the foot.

Again are you willing to move out (which we don’t recommend) or file for divorce? Is she still sleeping in the marital bed?

You are shooting from the hip right now and making matters worse.

I am giving you my opinion. She is not working on the marriage right now. She is just feeding you a line of bs until she figures out what’s going on with this om.

Best thing you can do right now is work on yourself and take care of your kids. Eventually you will figure out if she is in or out. The more you pressure her or give out ultimatums you can’t backup. The quicker she will seek a divorce. You have absolutely no control over her at all. Wedding vows mean nothing to her right now.

[Wanted1]

W,

The first thing you have to do is stop shooting yourself in the foot.

Again are you willing to move out (which we don’t recommend) or file for divorce? Is she still sleeping in the marital bed?

You are shooting from the hip right now and making matters worse.

I am giving you my opinion. She is not working on the marriage right now. She is just feeding you a line of bs until she figures out what’s going on with this om.

Best thing you can do right now is work on yourself and take care of your kids. Eventually you will figure out if she is in or out. The more you pressure her or give out ultimatums you can’t backup. The quicker she will seek a divorce. You have absolutely no control over her at all. Wedding vows mean nothing to her right now.

No, I’m not willing to move out. If we D I get the house. I’m not going to file for D either because I am clearly not ready and I’m against it.

She is not in the marital bed. Hasn’t been for a month.

I’m going to move to the LRT. I have to I think.

[LH19]

W,

I just want to warn you that this is going to take a really long time to play out. Months if not years.

Come to the board before making any major decisions.

[Wanted1]

Thanks for all of the replies.

So, I have a couple questions on how to handle the next couple things that are more than likely to be upcoming. For those of you who have read up on my sitch will know that W and I work together. Have since we graduated. She was offered a job with great benefits in a larger town about an hour away. I’m almost positive she wants to take it. She’s mentioned that she thinks it will be “good for us/our family” regardless of what happens. Those of you who are self employed can understand how healthcare alone is a major expense this day and age.

So, I’m preparing for her to have that talk with me. We sort of talked about it over the weekend. I tried to validate with her and told her I want her to do what makes her happy and if taking this job makes her happy then she needs to. I then went in to say that if she’s only doing it for the money/benefits, she should think about it more before making a decision because I’ve learned over the past few weeks that money is not the most important thing in life. A HUGE 180 for me. I’ve always been concerned about finances in the past and in that same conversation she told me she always felt guilty when I would talk to her about our finance situation because she brought a lot of student loan debt into our marriage. Just another example of how her views of me communicating with her are just so skewed from what my intentions are. I’ve never brought those up to her as a way to make her feel guilty. It’s never even crossed my mind! It was because we are M and work together and is obviously things couples discuss.

The convo then went to how her taking this job will effect kids schedules etc. since she will have to leave an hour earlier for work and get home an hour later than normal and therefore I’d be responsible for getting kids to daycare and school and picking them up. Nothing was ever really decided about anything.

So, do I just validate again if she brings it up to me again? Say the same thing I said before, that I want her to do what makes her happy?

Another topic, our next joint session with W, W IC, my IC and me. It’s scheduled for next week. The first one didn’t really do much other than give her a platform to tell the ICs and me how horrible she’s felt for so long, etc. If you need to know more details looks back in this thread. I’m contemplating cancelling it because 1. I’m afraid she’s just going to continue with the same stuff and her IC will then side with her and basically say something like she doesn’t think this M is worth saving. That’s worse case scenario for me. I think if W IC says that then W will trust her opinion and decide the same. Of course that can always happen in their individual sessions too, so cancelling the joint one probably won’t deter that from happening if that’s how her IC feels. She could just tell her that at their next session. 2. I don’t really want to dwell on the past and hear more of the same stuff from her. Maybe that won’t take place since that was all heard in the first session but I just don’t know how I feel about doing another one. I think Me cancelling it might come as a shock to W since it was sort of my idea to do it in the first place, but knowing how Ws mindset is right now, she will have some negative feeling or assumption for why I would cancel it (“you just don’t care about how I feel” is a good example probably). She would probably find a way to spin a negative connotation on it I’m afraid. If I do end up doing this next joint session, I don’t think I’m going to say a word. At this point anytime I open my freaking mouth my W takes whatever I say and applies negatives to whatever it is that’s said. It’s a no win situation for me. I have my IC session tomorrow so I’m curious to hear what my IC’s feelings were on the joint session we had last week. I hope these therapists are smart enough to know the WW mindset and that they rewrite history to better serve themselves and their feelings of not wanting to work on the M.

I’ve implemented LRT as of this morning.

[equalzr]

Only thing i can say is validate, and dont give unsolicited advice.

**Edit, i wouldnt suggest trying to defend yourself in MC.

[Wanted1]

Only thing i can say is validate, and dont give unsolicited advice.

**Edit, i wouldnt suggest trying to defend yourself in MC.

Oh I won’t be, trust me. I did very little of it in the first session but W picked up on the couple times I sort of tried to defend myself before I caught it and of course that’s all she focused on. I can say 250 things right and 1 wrong and guess what she dwells on?