Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 2

[Turbine]

Dog pile went much better than last time. Could be any number of things as too why. Drugged the dog. Dog a year older, different Vet... don't know, don't care, don't like dealing with sister or her critter.

Keeping up and expanding the exercise routine. Still not hitting the gym. Still has a meat market feel in my head. Carry over from 80's movies I guess. Anyway I don't want to be distracted. Yes it could happen. No I don't want it to. If it is meant to not be between W and me and having a MR 2.0 then I may consider it. Not now.

Speaking of exercise, I am following a few channels on YouTube. Use body weight or just a few dumb bells. They stress working in a manner that gets results but with out a greater risk of injury. At 55 I know gains are not as easy to get. More effort required. I'm fine with that. This approach seems to be sensible because why run the risk of injury in the quest for self improvement. Thoughts?

[Turbine]

W is so in my head. I am trying to evict her but my heart isn't in it. D seems to be proceeding but I am not sure because nothing from her lawyer to requests from my lawyer.

I am still attending Church. What is different this time than before in the MR 1.0? Maybe this time I am ready. I know I am calmer overall. Maybe that and exercise. Not having to deal with my sister as much doesn't hurt either.

Planning on time with younger D and S. So this afternoon work on clearing more stuff at home. Overwhelming task. Has to be done though.

Heard W taking shower this morning... part of why hard to evict her... maybe never again... maybe will...

She is going to Church still. That's a positive that is nothing more than what it is. I did pray that W does that. How it goes from there is in God's hands.

I don't like the current sitch. I am not talking to her and am giving her as much room as I can considering still in the same house. Do I encourage her moving out? Neither of us can afford that. It would show something different... She did see me exercising. I had left the door open. Was it intentional... IDK.

Random thoughts. Feeling translucent. Probably... no, I am... overthinking this.

[AnotherStander]

Keeping up and expanding the exercise routine. Still not hitting the gym. Still has a meat market feel in my head.

Any gym or are you talking about one in particular? You've probably seen I'm a big proponent of Crossfit, I promise that you'll be working your butt off so much in there that you won't have time to think about anything but getting through the workout! About 2 months ago I also joined Anytime Fitness so I could get an upper body workout in when I'm just too sore or tired from Crossfit. I absolutely love being a member at both, one is awesome for cardio and the other for strength. AF is very casual and laid back, definitely does not have a "meat market" feel to it. You have a fob that lets you in the door and you are free to come and go at any time of the day or night.

Speaking of exercise, I am following a few channels on YouTube. Use body weight or just a few dumb bells. They stress working in a manner that gets results but with out a greater risk of injury. At 55 I know gains are not as easy to get. More effort required. I'm fine with that. This approach seems to be sensible because why run the risk of injury in the quest for self improvement. Thoughts?

I'm 57 and really REALLY push myself. 2 years ago when I joined Crossfit I couldn't even do a handstand, now I can do not just a handstand but handstand pushups. I could do maybe 2 pullups, now I can do 15 strict unbroken pullups (and more kipping) and can even do bar and ring muscleups. My deadlift max was less than 200 and is now 360. I couldn't even do 1 ring dip and can now do 20+ unbroken. I could go on and on but my point is I've seen MASSIVE gains in the last 2 years. And this was AFTER 5 years straight of conventional weight training! I weigh less, lift more, look bigger and more cut, can do gymnastics moves that 2 years ago seemed impossible. So do I think we need to be conservative in how we work out at our age? No I do not. I think that's horseshit. Am I constantly dealing with injuries from pushing myself so hard? No. In fact a lot of the joint pain I suffered with 2 years ago is gone or greatly diminished now. I deal with soreness and aches and pains, but that's going to be a byproduct of a rigorous routine regardless of age.

If you want to see gains in strength, flexibility and appearance then push yourself and push yourself hard. 55 is young! I don't waltz around with my shirt off but sometimes it's hot in the xfit gym (no A/C) and I take my shirt off to cool off a little. I have guys in their 30's come up and tell me they wish they had my physique. I am NOT some kind of genetic freak, I'm just an average guy! If I can do this anyone can. Really that's my spiel about DB'ing to anyone here that listens- I am not anyone special. If I can get through all this misery and emerge a better person for it, then anyone here can.

W is so in my head. I am trying to evict her but my heart isn't in it.

My GF has been a pain in the rear lately. I was out of town on business and ex was watching my dog. I went by to pick him up and she invited me to dinner with S and D. It was so nice, great conversation and just very pleasant. I found myself missing having that level of maturity around (my GF is young and greatly lacking in that department). And it's been what, like 7 years since BD for me. I don't think they ever really get out of your head. You move on but they always occupy some amount of space up there in the ol' grey matter! DB'ing isn't really about removing them from your head, but rather it's about acceptance. Acceptance that you can't control things, and that you WILL be good no matter what happens.

[Turbine]

Wow was this evening dark. Felt about as low as the week of the BD. even the following week or two. No idea why for certain. It was that bad though.

I did spend the night at the younger D and S place. W was working so why not? Time to see the grandsons. W doesn't seem to care about them. Sad that is because they did nothing to her. She and the younger D butt heads all the time. Something I thought would pass with time. My mother and sister did while we were kids so I thought they would grow out of it like my sister did with our mom. Didn't go that way.

Maybe part of what kicked the dive was not having eaten since breakfast or had enough to drink. Had supper with glass of water. Attended church. Had a talk with old Navy buddy. Definitely feeling not as down.

Feel like I realized how long ago I fell off the Pharaoh's barge and that I am still in denial. Yes bad pun but this stops me from removing my remaining hair in handfuls. I know GAL, do stuff to make me change from ver 1.0 to ver 2.0 for me, not her. Except I feel hollowed out inside thinking about a future without the W.

My parents were married 52 years. Mom passed 23 months before Dad. Her parents were married about 45 years. Grandpa died from cancer at 63. He was going to retire and work part time in a hardware store. Never happened. I never saw how the cancer and treatments changed him either. I was gone from home, doing work ups for deployment for a westpac. He died two days before we were pulling in. I didn't get to go to the funeral. Mom took pictures of him in his casket in case I wanted to see. Never did. So unlike my sister and cousins, my memories of him are untarnished so to speak.

I know my Dad had health issues, bad heart, dyalisys three times a week, living with my sister and her dog in his house and she was bossy. Yeah, part of me thinks she contributed to his lack of wanting to continue living. But 52 years... and to last almost another 2 years. I think he was doing it for me more than my sister. He finally gave up. I waited with him the night he died. I remember that night too. Really strong thunderstorms rolled through with a little lull right about the time he finally let go for good.

I want the 52 years or more with her. Can I even tell or show her? Right now... no. Maybe never... God knows that thought hurts so much.

Am I mad or angry with God? No. He brought us together. Will He keep us together? I pray that is the case. I also pray that what I desire as the outcome is in line with His plan. You know... What God has joined together... I am trying to learn whatever lesson I am supposed to. Maybe to let go. Give up fear. Stop trying to control everything.

[DejaVu6]

So sorry to hear about your dark day Turbine. This is a roller coaster ride. My parents were taken from me by cancer as well. My dad was 66 when he passed from pancreatic cancer and my mom, a nurse who had retired the year before, cared for him until he took his last breath in our family home. Cancer took my mom 12 years later in May 2017. I don’t think a day went by that she didn’t miss him terribly. That is the kind of marriage I wanted and what I thought I would have with my H. Raising us kids challenged them, for sure, as kids do, but they always, always worked through their differences and by the time we all left home, they were not only husband and wife but also the very best of friends. My H doesn’t understand that kind of commitment or the kind of love it produces. To me, it is everything. Anyway... not trying to hijack your thread. Just wanted to send you some words of encouragement and to let you know that you are not alone in your struggles. Try not to think too much and focus on the present as much as possible. I find it helpful to think that yesterday and tomorrow don’t actually exist except in our minds and we LBS’s minds can work overtime. Hang in there... it will get better. (((HUGS)))

[Turbine]

Thanks for the ((hug)). I really need one about now. Hugs are appreciated. Hugs from my kids, grandkids or in-laws are welcome. If I hug my Mother in law I almost put her in a sleeper hold. She is really short. Poor substitute for hugs from W of course.

Doing much better this morning. Not sure how much of that was related to blood sugar level.

My activities away from home and part of the GAL have been not doing it for me. Trying again today and mixed results. I have to go shopping later to get stuff for the week.

Tuesday the minister wants to visit me at home. Been a long time since that had occurred. Making sure not anything to do with W. Wanting to avoid any resemblance to pressure or ganging up on her. Her actions since leaving the church and dropping the D on me are between her, God and the Church.

I so want her to be more receptive to trying to resolve the MR. Got to come from her though and not sure it will ever. *broken heart*

This is the time we should be working on us as a couple. I know I messed up and didn't. Wasn't exactly getting that feeling from her either though. I pray not to late to reach a solution.

[Turbine]

Where to start... because I didn't see this coming. Although to be honest I'm not surprised entirely either.

So WOW... I got home from my Sunday afternoon game session. Hanging out with like minded people for out table top roleplaying game. My son was running the game. I have played with everyone at the table so it was good social time. Outside my son and his GF my sitch is discrete. I digress.

I had stopped to get a few groceries to cover for the week. Milk, bread, soup, chips, yogurt, etc. I get home and my W is home. I hadn't expected her until the evening. Late evening, like crawling into bed late. FYI I am a morning person and bed time is 2200 on average. Wasn't the case. No problem.

Brought the groceries in, put them away, rest of the stuff I brought with me for the afternoon. Took the garbage out since pick up is in the morning. All the chore type stuff.

So while I am drying the dishes that she is washing. Unasked, and not expecting anything for doing it because leaving dishes in the rack seems to be okay otherwise. She starts a conversation about her car. That I had paid off because we had said our tax return would go to that. Well student loans squelched that and I still payed it. Anyway it seems her car needs a repair that would run about $1800. FYI her car is a Mercedes 350 GLK. Way more than what we should have been looking at but, hey, she wouldn't accept anything else, except a Lexus maybe.

She asked me if I would help her with the cost because she doesn't have the money to repair it. After lying about needing my key to the car, not returning it and then saying she lost it. Seriously considering telling her tough. I don't want to be a jerk or anything but really? After dropping the D on me, saying no chance to get back together, move on , find someone else to date, etc.

Now I did ask some questions. Didn't say one way or the other whether I would help her or not. I see no reason to help her other than postponing repairs could lead to a bigger bill later. I don't want to use this as a bargaining chip or anything like that. That would be a dumb(d***) move.

Really could use some input here everyone. Jerk or hero? Test or scam? Because I really hate where this is right now. I know it is late on the weekend but this is sort of an outside the box emergency (at least to me).

Thanks in advance for input. I hope there is a lot of if because I don't have the answer that I am comfortable with.

[burned]

Hey T,

Not too familiar with your sitch but I can pass along advice I’ve been given. Do you share ownership of the car? Or is it all hers? In other words, what financial liability would you incur if the repairs weren’t done and the car exploded? That, I think, should be the issue that guides your decision.

She wants D, meaning everything that goes with it, such as not being able to bum 2 grand from her roommate. But there may be legal issues depending on your sitch so consider those also.

Mainly, though, when you suggest that this is a choice between jerk or hero, in either case it sounds like you have expectations attached. Should I take a tough stance, will that show her? Or, should I be nice, will that make her like me? In either case the decision is based on how you think she would respond, how it makes you look, how it might improve or worsen your sitch...I struggle with this like crazy so I’m not saying it’s easy.

But I think the advice from the vets would be, what do YOU want? And if you can’t have THAT (her, a reconciled M, etc.) then what ELSE do you want? What is in YOUR best interest? Would recent repair costs be factored into the terms of the D? I doubt it. So you would likely lose money and gain nothing.

You can’t “nice” her back but you CAN show yourself your own power and worth.

My two cents as a non-expert. Consume in moderation.

[Turbine]

Well, the car is in her name as far as the state is concerned. Sent an email to my lawyer for the D to at least get this on record.

Yeah... expectations... I am struggling with that portion of this. Do I have any? TBH I have to say yeah. However I don't know how to express them. I did consider the pros and cons here. W already has a poor opinion of me since she filed for a D. I don't want to "nice" her back. That would be temporary and false. No strings attached, no conditions, nothing. No help either. Of course if she want to try and force me in court that changes the game.

I mean yeah, by not helping her I do "show" her some of the consequences of this course she wants. I didn't want it though. I do have to protect my interests and myself too. Maybe the only expectation would be to see the paperwork from the dealer or mechanic for the repair. Not even sure I would trust that. Or getting a working key for myself. Not worth the headache lately.

[Turbine]

Well, I slept on it and let it simmer in my head until now. I was hoping for some brilliant thought to have reached me in the process. Nope.

I have been playing a few scenarios in my head. I do that a lot. Conversations I would like to have with her. Even before the BD. Usually falls apart on my side after word two or three. Whatever. You would think after 31 years I would be better at talking to her. I digress.

So she wants me to pony up for a repair on her car. My name isn't on the title (I think) and definitely not on the registration with the state. So my current thought is I won't help her with this bill (pending input from lawyer). She has said she doesn't want me. So this request seems to say she only wants my financial abilities and resources. Our auto insurance allows us to drive either vehicle but beyond that ...

So far the conversation plays out this way for the short version:
No, I am sorry I can't help you.

The longer version adds more:
No, I can't help you. That money has been spent on the lawyer because you are walking away from US instead of trying one more time. You have my attention. I want nothing more than for you to be happy, US to be happy. I admit I am not perfect and there is more I can do. I am working on that. I know my job is not at 40 hours a week. I can only do my very best there to help the company. I have asked you what changes you would like to see in me. When you reply that I know what changes and then don't like what I do and still say nothing... what am I supposed to do.

I hadn't gone to church in a long time. When I would try to explain why or what I had a problem with you told me they wouldn't do that or words to that effect. So after telling me you want a divorce I told you I would make changes, I would be different. I am working on returning to church. So you got angry that I did that. You took actions to get yourself removed from the church. The church is and has been so important to you ever since I met you.

I said somethings I regret the moment I said them. You said somethings that hurt too. I am so very sorry that I did say them. I wish I could take them back but like everything in the past it is done and unchanging. Not just words. Actions.

I would like to spend the rest of my life with you. You don't want to spend it with me. Every time I see you there are a tidal wave of emotions and memories that hit me. All of them, good and bad. I cherish the good ones and those stay but the bad ones I regret and they still hurt me. It seems you have only the bad ones and are holding them all against me. I don't blame you. I want to tell you I understand and I forgive you. I doubt you would believe me though. I wish I could take away your hurt.

I don't have an answer as to why going back to church now is happening. Maybe before wasn't the time. You asked me for so long and I didn't listen. There has been so much wrong and demanding in our lives that we didn't take the time to remember the "OUR" part in that.

You weren't happy when we went to the Philippines for our 30th. That was a very expensive trip. I am glad we did though. Yet you seem to be mad I didn't want to go before. I did. I didn't feel we could afford it though. Not with the five of us, and all the other expenses.

End of thought
Yeah, so much to say and right now, while I want to, she doesn't. I can't imagine getting through all of that with her and not getting an angry outburst. So where do I, where do we go from here.