hey T, stay strong. prayer and meditation helps. try to be around people, talk to them. doesn’t have to be about your sitch. don’t wallow in guilt and self pity. you are better than her. praying for you T.
Arguing on FB is not ever a good idea. However when you've had enough and drop an insult on the straight from the Gunny's vocabulary, there is a certain satisfaction. My kids learned early that when I started swearing I was really, really pissed. Well that crowd hasn't learned that lesson. Not a fight I want but not one I want to back away from either. Civil discussion is a lost thing.... sad.
Good thing or not?
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Turbine - I feel your pain. I was there once too. Even when things were the darkest, I knew I was better than that. I have kids who love me. I held it together for them.
I still have my ups and downs. Today is one of the downs. But I will pick myself back up and start again tomorrow.
You sound like you have a good support network and are working towards being better emotional, physically and spiritually. These are good things . Keep sight of them. They will guide you through the darkness.
People come here for help and seeking answers. Not all the answers are the ones we want to hear. MWD promotes "Save your Marriage" then the fine print is not all of them can be.
I watch the numbers on the posts and responses. So people are reading. Yeah everyone here is hurting or has been hurting. So we are supposed to support and help each other. I may be writing things down here and it may sound like I am doing all the right things. It sure doesn't feel like it. Don't pursue. Well if she felt that I was ignoring her then not pursuing seems like more of the same. So at this point it seems like I am facing a loose/loose scenario.
Turbine,
There is no fine print that not all marriages can be saved - that is just the reality of human nature and there are a million variables that play into it. And no one can say for certain what would save a marriage, and again, there probably isn't one act or one word that would do such a thing. It's actions and attitudes, just like life. You seem to be an experienced man, I haven't read your whole thread. You are prior service?
Well, either way, life is always trying to crap on us. It's on each man and woman to make the best of it. People are reading your thread, some are members, some are just browsing the forums.
If you feel like you're doing nothing by not pursuing, maybe you're right. Has pursuing worked for you so far? If so, continue it by all means. If not, and you don't know what works, stop doing what doesn't work. That's part of the Divorce Remedy technique. You can then experiment to see if something works, but set a plan. In the meantime, you focus on your GAL, give the gal space and time. Let her miss you. Let her FEEL what it's like to not have you. She can't feel the reality of that if you are pursuing her all the time. She can't miss the good things about you if you are up her rear end about MC, fixing things, giving it "one more try", etc.
And for chrissakes stay off Facebook and the like. Over 10 years ago I realized how much of a waste of time that was. Just stop. Use that time to make your life better. You'll get satisfaction from doing real things in real life with real people. Plenty of studies out there demonstrating the negatives of social media and how it is warping our culture. Every day you have choices to make, those choices make you who you are, so make the best choices and do it based on your values.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
If you feel like you're doing nothing by not pursuing, maybe you're right. Has pursuing worked for you so far? If so, continue it by all means. If not, and you don't know what works, stop doing what doesn't work. That's part of the Divorce Remedy technique. You can then experiment to see if something works, but set a plan. In the meantime, you focus on your GAL, give the gal space and time. Let her miss you. Let her FEEL what it's like to not have you. She can't feel the reality of that if you are pursuing her all the time. She can't miss the good things about you if you are up her rear end about MC, fixing things, giving it "one more try", etc.
What I am trying to say, and am doing poorly, is that one of her complaints was I ignored her. So pursuing her is a no no and ignoring her seems to be more of the same. So what do I do? Pursue her anyway or ignore her because at this point both get the same reaction. Which is sort of why are you even trying? Of course if I am trying nothing this is confusing to me.
I got replacement screws for the license plate on the rear because the installed ones are rusty. Looks bad on her nice car. Screw pitch is wrong. She is upset that I wanted to do this unasked for. I didn't want anything from her for doing this. I didn't like the rusted screws there.
So about this doing something and expecting something in return. I get this is selfish behavior. If you do something and hope for but actually don't expect anything is this still the same? Or does it have to be a just do stuff and not even hope for anything in addition to the don't expect anything? Not sure if the distinction is only in my head. Very well could be.
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
If I had to grade myself in the Detaching course right now I would be giving myself a failing grade. Not even positive comments for effort. Because I go to sleep without her next to me, Wake up that way, eat, cook, etc. Yet she is front and center on my mind.
Same as GAL. Its all mechanical now. No joy in activities that I enjoyed before either. Not going to the movies. Heck I cried during Deadpool 2. Not exactly a tear jerker. I want to be there with her. Or not at a movie. Having a nice dinner that we cooked or at a restaurant we went to because. Hug and kiss before we went to work. Making her a lunch just because.
Yeah I asked her about the lunches. More for was she enjoying them and would she like something different than a pat on the back. She said no so I stopped. Yes I know she is capable of doing that for herself. I said as much and said I didn't mind doing this because I was already doing it for one so two was a few seconds more. Nope.
There is a huge hole still and I don't ever see it being filled again.
This is so wrong. There are so many memories, all across the spectrum, that we share. So many more I want us to have. Even the trip we took last year to visit her family she now resents that I went. I don't understand why. Complain I don't do something and then complain when I do.
Maybe the D is the right thing in the long term but right now That canvas is pretty empty and looks dark. Maybe even a piece of black velvet. Yeah those paintings look cheap and tawdry. Yippee me.
Down moment. Stretching into another moment and another. Wow the whole day has been garbage.
Did some stuff around the house in prep for winter. Functional life. Phtttt....
H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
