I wouldn't get hung up on the "80% of divorces initiated by women" thing (and I think its 70%). Stereotypically men are more likely to hang in and tolerate a bad relationship than women are, so the fact that women pull the trigger more frequently doesn't really mean anything. If you have two unhappy people who cares who leaves first?
Acc
As usual, Acc said what I was trying to say much more simply and succinctly!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
i know the love i had for her is still within me and that hurts given where our sitch is.
I know it seems like forever but you're not even a year past BD and that's not enough time for you to be over her. You'll get there, but it's going to take many months yet. And I'm not saying you will get to the point that you never think about her again, but you'll be able to remember her and even be around her without pain and sorrow.
Quote
bigger thought the last few days is that i feel myself giving up on women/relationships. i've talked about this in the past. it's not a anger based sentiment to be clear, just more of a continued assessment of who i am, much that i've read, the 80% divorces filed by women and my soon to be twice D'd status. in one of Sandi's recent posts she says "The problem with a soft hearted, tender natured guy is that she is going to take his b@lls away." now i know i didn't try to do all of the NGS stuff, but soft hearted, tender natured guy...yep that's me. bottom line the more i reflect on women/relationships, the more i feel like i'm not cut out to be with a lady long term.
I remember having those thoughts too. I bet it'll pass, LOL! Your W isn't the only woman in the world for you, far from it. And hard as it may be to believe, she probably was not even the best woman for you. And you can be soft-hearted and tender-natured without surrendering your testicles. I think one of the benefits of having gone through this is we can go into the next relationship with a whole new set of relationship tools thanks to DB'ing. I've been dating my GF for over 3 years now and have continued my DB practices with her. I don't aggressively pursue her, I give her time and space when she needs it, I listen and validate. When she texts, sometimes I reply right away, sometimes an hour later and sometimes not at all. Sound familiar? Heh heh! Here's the thing, it works. She gushes about how attractive she finds me. I'm not Brad Pitt I assure you, and she is a hottie!
Quote
i don't feel at all like i'm what they want or even if i tried to be the way they want, i'd slip up/get lazy and they'd bolt.
Well, I think "lazy" is how a lot of us ended up here. Or maybe "complacent" is a better word. But the thing is, a good relationship takes constant work and nurturing. It's like planting flowers in your garden, the work isn't over after they're planted. Leave them alone and ignore them and they will eventually wither and die. Take care of them a year or even 10 years and then ignore them and same thing. The only way to keep them alive and beautiful is consistent care over a long period of time.
Quote
i know time will change things, life will bring new chapters to me and i know from much of Stander's and ACC's comments, there's a possible better life waiting ahead.
Yes! There is! There's pain between here and there unfortunately. So let the pain happen, and just try to keep moving forward!
i think my perspective twice failed is a bit more "entrenched" compared to say this being a first D. i think people of my generation are more accepting of a first D "mulligan", but two...
i know much of what each of you have said is correct AND i know much of what i have said i'm feeling is entirely cliche relative to the point of time i find myself in post-BD AND i know i'd like to say 'but my feelings are unique' even though i can already hear Steve85 and others saying no they are not.
as ACC said and to quote the Stones "time is on my side" and i do love women and have always hoped for a happy long term relationship...two failures though. it's not a question of the fact that time will pass, i will heal, i will meet new interesting ladies. thing is i "thought" i chose wisely, i mean realistically how many other men would visit a site such as this BEFORE entering into an MR and learn so much that might help them preclude ending up where we all presently are. i think the more informed i am now though, the more averse i am to the hope of future success. ACC mentions unhappiness. i certainly did not enter into any MR with the expectation that there would not be periods of all possible human emotions, BUT i was fully expecting that i and my spouse based on our committment would endure through whatever come what may. reality is twice that completely did not happen. what if nowadays there is no expectation or acceptance of "unhappiness" in a MR? further it's impossible to define it. does that mean one unhappy thing, two, three? how long? i know, i can hear ACC 2x4'ing me with yep no way to know, i can sit on the bench if i want, but if i want to find long term relationship happiness, gonna have to cut the crap and get back in the game at some point. i just really soberly don't know, has it been me or has it been them? everyone who knows my sitch to include my IC says it was them, but i take no comfort in that. i don't deflect nor try to pass the blame, clearly i must be doing something wrong or perhaps not enough or whatever to end up where i am...still others who are more religious will say 3rd time's the charm and God is leading you down the path of life he chose for you. there is hope and redemption in that line of thinking, but again from within the aperture of my sitch and life it's just a hard view to accept. i could just as easily espouse maybe God is simply saying "son you ain't cut out for being married".
apologies if this rambled...i just wanted to say thank you again to each of you for your comments and support. even in the midst of much of what feels like a tragic loss to me, i'm learning and finding my way through many feelings/thoughts and ideas that had i stayed married i would like never have become aware of. all of your support through these tribulations i have is greatly appreciated.
received a text late last night from W about removing me from one of our shared finances. nothing major really, but did get me to thinking/reflecting a bit. seems that our D will be a certainty. what continues to amaze me about it all is that not once, not ever has W had any interest in seeing/talking with me. the contrast in my sitch with my W compared to most of the others i read here is amazing. if i was an utterly terrible abusive monster of a husband i could understand her absolute disinterest, but quite frankly i was far from anything like that. i know i was a good husband, but with flaws like any of us. anyway the best explanation my mind can come to is that there's been an OM and W is still in the A. i've read that WW must hate the LBS in order to continue the affair. that would seem to be consistent with her actions currently, but i have no idea about the truth of what i just said AND for sure no facts to base it on.
anyway...no pursuit desires, no words from me to her. i've long ago accepted nothing i can do, my sitch is so dysfunctional it's beyond me hoping/doing anything but moving on for myself and D and enjoy/make a new life. for me the toughest part that i cycle on from time to time is just trying to understand how i knew the two of us to be in our MR vs her absolute complete avoidance of me since BD. the sentence don't at all fit the crime best i can put it. i guess even that part as time passes i'm becoming more comfortable with, but i guess for the rest of my life from time to time i'll wonder what the H happened to/with her and last night was one of those times.
Stay strong! You are on the correct path, despite any momentary struggles.
Think about your W's silence and lack of contact as a gift. I really feel that continued contact and mixed messages, and all the stuff that so many posters on here are experiencing, really delays the detachment process. For whatever reason it may be (and you'll likely never know) she is giving you the gift of time and space to heal, to take stock of yourself and your values, and to recalibrate your life. Of course you are going to have thoughts and momentary longings for the past happy days, that's just normal. The key is to hold them gently, examine them without clinging to them, and then letting them go. Don't get caught up in mind-reading, don't give her that space in your head. Turn the focus back to the present, to the moment, and to you and your goals.
I am now going on 3 months without so much as speaking with my W, so I get it. I'll sometimes read sitches on here and wish that I had more contact like them, but ultimately that is a) beyond my control and b) probably harmful for detachment. It is what it is, but it is our responsibility to make the best of it.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
nef...my GAL is going well. it's definitely not crazy like climbing Everest or anything. i workout 5 days a week now like i used to and enjoy that a great deal, spend more time with my family than i used to, been going to all of those restaurants i've been meaning to try and it's not weird anymore going alone, always busy doing things with D when i have her and enjoying the time alone, reading/sleeping. i have some bigger GAL ideas in mind, but with the holidays coming on and winter they may be awhile. bottom line i'm content/happy with life given the reality of where i find myself.
d, for sure W has given me time and her being free of me has for sure made detachment easier, BUT thing is relative to how bad our MR was W went into abandonment mode. it's not a matter of me longing for the past. given the ghosting that's taken place while i loved her i gave up the hope and longing along time ago. and it's not a mind reading on my part about what W is doing or why. again well past caring about that. it's simply how did we go from an MR with things that needed work to BD where we basically don't even exist to each other.
anyway...please don't mis-interpret this as a regression/longing/pursuit desire on my part. here in the present it's just an occasional reflection on my part in trying to understand how we went from MR to dead to each other with no real show stopper issues "unless" a third party exists. i hope that makes some sense...
I hear you Ballast. So long as you don't give those "occasional reflections" too much time in your head I think they are completely natural.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
thanks d...extract away the specifics of the sitch/feelings/wanting her back/etc...at the end of each chapter in life a person would like to hope that they can understand what happened within a specific chapter they experienced. perhaps i'm just not fully closed of this chapter to have the full picture before me or perhaps more likely i'll never know what the H happened. given how major of a chapter this MR was in my life it's very hard to reconcile not being able to explain what happened.
the absence of understanding the story for me now is more difficult than the absence of the characters who made up the story. Stander has related to me on this in the past. i guess never knowing/understanding the how/why of what happened might be what i'll have to accept for the rest of my life and at time things trigger me into that thinking.
There's pain between here and there unfortunately. So let the pain happen, and just try to keep moving forward!