Whirlwind of Hurt 3

[toenail]

Not trying to hijack the thread, but this has been something ive been thinking about for a while. Ive heard a lot of people say thay you should present it as a joint decision etc. Im sorry, but i REFUSE to have my S living life thinking i was part of a decision to tear our family apart. It was the WW's choice to have an affair and want a D. Its now their cross to carry with kids too. Its their job to repair that R.

My WW and i have to have that talk with our S soon, so ive already told her she will need to tell him she wants a D.I guess ill also have to let her know that if she tries blaming me for her choices, i stop playing nice about her A and tell our S whsts really going on.

i am with equalizer here. i stayed with MR. i took my vows seriously. WW is now out and about, “exploring her life choices”, acting like a teenager. in short being wayward. D14 knows what she’s doing, reciprocating it with anger, resentment and embarrassment. why should it be a joint decision? am seeing an IC, andy feel like am in a better place right now. ive seen the wrongs that i did and i am happily trying to correct them.i am willing to talk to WW in what she wants to do with our sitch, and yet she won’t budge.

sorry about the hijack too.

[Twofeet]

Well I like the idea of her telling the kids with me standing by to make corrections. Next weekend will be the day. My oldest is 8 so and it's been advised at their young ages not to say which parent wants the D. There will be plenty of time for that when they are older. At this young of age it's all about what we can do to prevent any slowdown of development. It wont be based on lies and its what's best for them. Trust me I want her to eat crow.

Ok so as far as today goes, I took steps forward and backward. Mediator/lawyers math was off so I corrected which works in W favor. However, she kept pushing for more cash instead of household items. I wouldn't budge and it got real intense. She raised her voice, cried, got foul, blamed, lied, etc. For the most part I stayed calm, I didn't argue, but I started getting pretty angry and my words and demeanor became very intense. At one point her selfishness got to me so bad I said I was angry and needed to step away to calm down to think rationally. The truth is that her pure selfish and disgust got to me so bad I had to step away to cry. I came back composed and ready to tackle the splitting of the goods with a level head. She was still being disgustingly selfish, expecting me to use my portion of cash to buy the kids furniture at her house. She also expected me to buy her a new living room set. I told her no. She complained how she will be broke and this will be hard and stressful on her. I told her I can only be responsible for my actions, she tried turning that on me so I told her I own up to my bad mistakes and I am sorry for them. However, I told her when she unilaterally decides to end the marriage then she will have to face the consequences of her actions. I also said W if you want more money than take more stuff. Still couldn't fully agree so we didn't finish, but I stood my ground.
Here is a step back. Wife wanted a day hike backpack so she could go hiking with gal pal. I said no problem but asked if she wanted my opinion of gal pal even though it was very negative. She said yes. I said gal pal is toxic trash, you got to where you didn't like her at old job when we lived in other state because of her actions. She almost got W in trouble a few times, she would also spread very toxic rumors about people, the kind that her reputation and potentially damage careers. Back at old job W got gal pal transferred to new dept away from W, and W dropped her as a friend. I told wife who does sh!t like that spreading career ending rumours. Told her she needs new friends, good friends, she is better than that garbage. She sheepishly agreed with me, but it was still not something I should have done. I wanted it off my chest, but I should have let it go.

Anyway back to the assets near fight.... at the end we were very mad, her more than me. I had family GAL to the corn maze/pumpkin patch I planned with SIL, that W jumped in and took over. So we were so mad she was going to bow out. I decided to bow out instead. I wanted to go, but I thought it would be great for W to do something with the kids for a change. She took them and I went to a pub for lunch with some friends. Then stopped by my parents to chat with my Dad. At home she was nice again, but exhausted. She skipped dinner, showered and went to bed.

I saw a pure selfish side to her today that I have never known. It was disgusting and full of lies. I just kept thinking this is over, she is never going to comeback from this. If she was going to comeback I cant take this person. She is awful. For the first time since BD I really felt like there was no hope. I'm not giving up, but it's like I just realized how tall the mountain really is.

[Twofeet]

Quick notes and corrections. W wanted my day hike backpack so I gave it to her.

Whole assests deal was started when W told me this morning she was going clothes shopping today and was going to buy a new wardrobe. (She hardly eats anymore so she is losing a lot of weight fast) I told her no. I said we haven't finalized all the financials, it's been put off for at least the past 3 days I wasn't ok with a shopping spree. I said we need to figure out who gets what and who owes what. I told her she should just wait until she S and when she has her own accounts to start personal spending. It's like money is just burning a hole in her pocket.

[Again18]

TF- You're doing fine. We know she's being selfish her deviation from the truth her changing the history of the R is all part of her having to justify her actions. When you get caught up in it all, she has to justify it to you even more and harder. Only when she no longer has to justify it to anyone else, family and friends included, will she actually have to deal her thoughts and try to justify it to herself and only then will she actually start to change. Right now this is all so raw and new and overwhelming to her. You need to continue to be the lighthouse on the rock the farther she drifts away the more important you will be to her. But she will only look for the lighthouse when she finally quit convincing herself that she isn't okay where she's at.

[Ready2Change]

I agree. You are doing great. You excused yourself when needed.

Keep taking steps to protect yourself and your family.

Cancel credit cards in both of your names. Get separate bank accounts. Not sure if W works, but that should not matter. Make sure the bills are being paid. Use the Joint account for this .

Pay minimums on the joint cc debt until it is decided whos side of the ballance sheet it goes on.

[Twofeet]

Well folks, she has flipped the script. We talked about telling the kids last night, and her story has changed. She wants to be on the united front that we want a divorce. I said absolutely not. I will not lie to my kids. She says I am just going to turn the kids against her and it will work against me. I teared up in front of her, but didn't walk away. The tears were directed towards the kids and I said that now that she is leaving they are all I have. I said what's best is that we dont lie to our kids. I said we needs our kids to love both parents, it's what is best for them. We couldn't come to an agreement and we tabled the talk until we could gain perspective and get advice from IC.

There was more fantasy from her last night and this morning. I will post back later, gotta run real quick.

[Twofeet]

As per above I teared up about the kids and not her. Didn't feel like walking away, I don't feel like it shows weakness to get emotional about the kids. Old me would have been hard as a rock, thinking it showed weakness.

Anyway during the evening she was ranting (can't argue when H wont argue back) to me a about how IC says she is mentally healthy and her parents supports her decision to leave because we struggle, and this is what's bests for her, and blah, blah, blah. Just a bunch of selfish s%^t to justify her actions. Then she goes into another rant about how I need to give her money or buy her stuff, etc. Well I slipped up a bit and said with disgust, " You are so f@#$ing greedy!" Immediately I knew I messed up. Told her I was sorry, the situation was frustrating and I grabbed the low hanging fruit, that was not appropriate and I will work towards not doing it again. She said she accepts my apology, but she knows that's what I think. I said my thoughts are not what's important here. What's important is that my actions were inappropriate and I am sorry.
That night I just went through and made a list of everything and who is getting what based on our convos. It's on paper now.

Even later she showed me her clothes she bought. Wanted my opinion, I told her I can't keep doing this for her its uncomfortable. I said this was it I dont want to do it anymore. She said that no it's ok she can just text me pics of her in the AM from her new house (WTF). I said no I don't think so. DBers I said before when you know someone this long you know what looks good on them and she trusts my advice and she likes the compliments they boost her self esteem. She was also talking about how I could watch the kids at her house or she could watch them here. I said no I don't think so. That will not work for me. It was like she didn't hear me and kept going on and on. I let it go she will get it figured out pretty soon. So after those talks I put the kids to bed then went and sat in the master closet to make phone calls to remove her from my cc and to get myself removed from her cc. She was supposed to be in my sons bed sleeping, but just happened to wander in, in a t-shirt and panties. Very uncommon for her and a turn on for me. Pre-BD I would have tried to make a move. I say where are your pants? She says she was too hot so she took them off. I say ok, well what's up something you need from me? She is having phone problems and wants me to walk her through fixing it so she can do it on her own. I talk her through it then we say our good nights. I was pretty turned on, but I did a good job at ignoring any temptations and focused my eyes on my phone and not her sitting across from me cross legged.
This morning was more of the talk about doing friend stuff, clothes advice etc. Kept telling her no that wont work for me. Then I took the kids to school.

[Ready2Change]

It sounds to me like what you are doing is working. Keep doing it until she is begging for a second chance.

[Twofeet]

It sounds to me like what you are doing is working. Keep doing it until she is begging for a second chance.

Db is working for me, I am not so sure she is going to be begging for a second chance though.

[Ready2Change]

Db is working for me, I am not so sure she is going to be begging for a second chance though.

Even if she does, be very careful,they may be crocodile tears.