FS... I think this all sounds pretty promising but as everyone says on here, it is a marathon, not a sprint, so just keep doing what you are doing. It is great that you are getting out with colleagues and that they are men who appreciate your good qualities. I’m sure your H is super jealous. Good... he deserves to struggle with that feeling.
I know what you mean about nights being the toughest. I feel the exact same way. My days are, for the most part, pretty darn easy. But when I come home from work and realize I have a night ahead of me with just me and the kids, it is difficult. Not what I had pictured. I think about how I would feel is my H had died and while that would have been incredibly difficult, the finality of it would have necessitated my moving one. Knowing that he is out there choosing to not be with me and his children is a different kind of hurt. It is the rejection that is hard to live with - especially because it is not mutual. When the kids head off to bed, that is when my mind kicks into overdrive so I try not to stay up much later than them. Like you, I find journaling very helpful as you are right, it does provide a bit of distance.
Your friend’s H sound like a complete and total jerk. I am thankful that is not my situation and it is not yours. Hope your family birthday dinner was a lot of fun!!! (((HUGS)))
I think about how I would feel is my H had died and while that would have been incredibly difficult, the finality of it would have necessitated my moving one. Knowing that he is out there choosing to not be with me and his children is a different kind of hurt. (((HUGS)))
I read somewhere that when a S leaves the LBS mourns not only for the future that is lost (in the way you do when someone passes), but also the past. You don't know how much of it was real (did they ever really love you, when did they start lying to you etc etc) and it doesn't help that they re-write history. It is tough, and you have to really look past the rubbish. I am not there yet. This is the reason I ripped up every photo.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
But when I come home from work and realize I have a night ahead of me with just me and the kids, it is difficult.
Do the kids stay over with your H? At first I found it heartbreaking when they did. But now I enjoy my nights alone. I've discovered that being alone isn't the same as being lonely. Whilst I think asking him to have your twins full time was maybe pressuring (and you will hate to be away from them) maybe you can go for something in between. Something that forces him to realise that being a dad is more than taking children for nice days out, and it would give you a break.
You deserve a break.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Not what I had pictured.
Not what any of us pictured
I was going to walk into town for a few hours before the family lunch and as H lives in town, I said I would drop D8 off, do my errands (read get my nails done) and then come back to the flat and we would go in his car. When I got there H said he was taking D8 into town as well so if I wanted to wait whilst he finished his coffee we could walk into town together. This was the first time I'd been in his flat since his 'I am dating' confession (and my subsequent throwing of myself at him). It was uncomfortable. So, I took my phone out and started to scroll. It is not mind reading to say he would have hated this. No-one likes to be in the company of someone scrolling through their phone.
Feels kind of childish and stupid now. And rude.
There are many examples of bad behaviour on my part from today which would make this long post even longer, but it is enough to say I need to be kinder. He is a [censored] but that doesn't mean I have to be a [censored].
Dinner with friends was good fun though I was distracted by thoughts of H. Found out he was seen dropping a female off at the station one morning. This doesn't matter in the scheme of things.
Ugh... did your friends tell you about the sighting? People try to be helpful but man, that is information I would not want someone to tell me about. So sorry that was passed onto you.
My H doesn’t have anywhere for my kids to sleep so they stay here. The nights he sees them, I am usually out so he sees them here. I think if this becomes more permanent, we will have to try to figure something out but that would require buying them beds to put at his place. I could be wrong, but I’m not sure we are quite there yet. And I am really hoping we don’t get to that stage. That is going to be a talk we have a couple months down the road though. I think if he is still there in 2019 with no plans to return home, we will have to make some decisions. I am trying not to think that far ahead.
Don’t be too hard on yourself over the phone thing. I have only been to my H’s place once and I was very uncomfortable so I know what you mean. It’s like our place has a history of the two of us... his place does not so it feels like a stranger lives there... but it is my H. My kids have been to his place a few times so it is also a place where the three of them now have memories and I have been...erased? Definitely NOT a comfortable feeling. So give yourself a break on this one. (((HUGS)))
Hi DejaVu - i responded on your thread re setting up arrangements for H and the kids. He cannot continue to shirk his responsibilities. You need time for you. It does not mean you don't want to work on the M. It does not mean you don't love your kids. But working the double shift (work and children on your own) is going to leave you exhausted, cranky and irrational. I insisted H had a place for the children when he moved out. Yes, and those same thoughts, that I was encouraging the arrangement to become permanent, crossed my mind.
It wasn't just the phone thing. I was super friendly with MIL and FIL and then dismissive of him. This is how he use to be at the start. He would be charming to everyone else, and then would either ignore or give me one word answers. He wouldn't look me in the eye. He would turn his back to me. He would hug everyone else hello/goodbye, and not me. It made me feel like [censored] and I feel bad that I did it to him.
He did say a couple of things to get my back up.
- He has three weeks off work towards the end of the month and is going to take a week of it to visit his friend in Dubai (male, also recently divorced). - He suggested that all my GAL'g activities are taking time away from the children - In talking about a couple friend of ours who have recently separated 'they are never getting back together. No-one gets back together".
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Ugh... did your friends tell you about the sighting? People try to be helpful but man, that is information I would not want someone to tell me about. So sorry that was passed onto you.
Nope - not helpful at all. He is picking me up in an hour to take me to watch D12's football match. He was with me yesterday. He was working (or so he says) most of last week but he spent most of two weeks (incl. weekends) with me. I know I am not supposed to waste my time on thinking about her, but I honestly cannot fathom how any woman could want to be with a man who is constantly with his (E)W and kids. Is she just a once a week booty call. She lives at least an hour away and that's a long way to travel. She's either very into him or she has extremely low self esteem.
So today has been a [censored] of a day. It started with picking me up for football. I was running late and had not had time to sort out D12's kit. Five minutes before they were due to arrive, I was frantically running around trying to find her shorts. Could not find them. I had vowed when he left whenever he came over the house would be a place of tranquility and calm. Not today.
He started to make D12 a sandwich and there was no bread or sandwich filling in the house. The bread that was in the bread bin was 2 days old. So, the monologue began ...
"Her kit is supposed to be by the door when I arrive" "you don't have any food in the house" "this bread is mouldy" "her shorts were in the drawer, you mustn't have looked properly" "she's going to be late now" blah blah blah
I stayed calmish. I responded where necessary "didn't look there", "haven't done the shop yet" when all I wanted to say was "get out of my house you spiteful nasty man". Silence the whole car journey.
D12's game was good. She is a striker and does very well. We both love to watch her play. She is happy when she is playing. But she lacks confidence and pulls away at the last minute or fumbles at the goal.
The journey home was betterish. We talked about D12's game. He always gets animated when talking about her play. I yawned at one point and said I was tired. He asked how last night was "good thanks" and what time I got home "not sure. I didn't check my watch". I mentioned the other mum (one that I would normally catch a cab home) went home early but I had decided to stay out. Silence from him. He was expecting me to go home with her. She is safe and nice. That was the end of the conversation. When we got the house he hugged and said goodbye to the girls and mumbled bye to me as he walked off.
I did the shop and was so angry at him I bought condoms. I was going to take two out and put the rest in my wash kit (which is zipped up in my bathroom). If he saw them he would never be able to say anything because what is he doing in my bathroom looking in my wash bag. He will find them though. He thinks I am seeing people (I can see it in his eyes) and he will look for evidence. Not sure what the point of allowing him to find evidence is now. It wouldn't bring us any closer to getting back together.
Strange what anger can do to the rational mind. I will put them in my gym bag which goes with me to work.
[quote][/quote]"Her kit is supposed to be by the door when I arrive" "you don't have any food in the house" "this bread is mouldy" "her shorts were in the drawer, you mustn't have looked properly" "she's going to be late now" blah blah blah
Sounds like your Dad not your H. What a nag! Just keep smiling and laughing when you say how you've been soooo busy being out and about.
Not sure what to say about the condoms Of course he wants to think you are seeing someone; it's something else for which he can blame you and justify his own behaviour. Don't enter the tournament.
You recognised very quickly what anger can do to the rational mind which is actually a massive thing. In other words, whilst you felt that emotion for a while, you have not let it have consequences or let it control you. Good for you.
I think your talk on the way back showed perfect responses from you. You had a good time and it has sparked his curiosity to start asking questions. We can't read his mind so we don't know what his motivation is but it doesn't matter; you were out enjoying yourself and he noticed.
Keep going FlySolo. The whole football kit nonsense was him being dominant and controlling but i think you pulled it back with the 'I'm tired because I was doing things I wanted to do' and took control over yourself back.
I havent bought condoms in years. Felt weird buying them. Think i will give them to the chap not to me at work. He will get a good laugh out if it, and, as a bit of a tattoo, will probably make good use of them.
Good day today. Nothing specific, work and spending time with kids.
Work was busy so not much time to wallow in self pity today. Work has been busy for weeks (which is a great distraction) but means I've not been able to get to the gym much. And I miss it. Funny, I didn't go for 15 years and am missing the gym after not having gone for two weeks.
When I got home today, the girls and I ordered take-away and watched funny YouTube videos together. D8 has one of those uncontrollable belly laughs that come from the pit of her stomach. Oh to be 8 again. We have also gotten into the habit of doing karaoke to youtube to songs. I love that we do this now. Strangely, their favourite songs to sing to are "This is me", "Sorry, Not Sorry" and "I'm still standing". They ask for these songs when we are driving around in the fancy car H bought 2 months before BD. The three of us singing songs about being yourself, living life after breakups and not being sorry, whilst he drives, makes me smile even now.
It is school holidays at the moment so H came around this morning to watch the girls for a few hours before he went to work. MIL was coming to take over from him later in the day. We had time to have a coffee together and it was cordial. He did feel the need to tell me that his friends are coming down and they are all going out next sat. He tells me his plans a lot now but only the plans he has to catch up with buddies. He doesn't mention his dates at all. Interestingly, he asked if I'd had hair extensions. I'm in my 40's so, no, I have not had hair extensions. I think he is seeing FS the person again, and not the demonised version of me that was in his head. Which is positive. He also mentioned one of his friends might be splitting up from their wife. He is always mentioning or asking about friends who are splitting up. I think this is because it normalises his actions a bit. Turns us into a statistic. I don't fall for the bait so just simply say "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that".
But like I said, it was pleasant enough. The most free flowing conversation we've had in a long time. So, I thanked him for watching the kids at short notice, wished him a great day and told him I'd see him when I see him.
But it was all so very pleasant. So very casual. This detaching thing is hard.
I remember asking a friend of mine who split up with her partner of 11 years 4 years ago, how long it took before she felt whole again. She said she knew they wouldn't get back together when he moved out but she knew it didn't hurt anymore when he came around 6 months later to pick up the last of his things. She asked him in for coffee, they chatted for a bit, then he took his stuff and left. Basically the same interaction H and I had this morning. She felt nothing. My heart still breaks thinking about him and it's been 7 months.
I remember asking a friend of mine who split up with her partner of 11 years 4 years ago, how long it took before she felt whole again. She said she knew they wouldn't get back together when he moved out but she knew it didn't hurt anymore when he came around 6 months later to pick up the last of his things. She asked him in for coffee, they chatted for a bit, then he took his stuff and left. Basically the same interaction H and I had this morning. She felt nothing.
This is ALMOST how I felt on my trip to see the kids yesterday with H. I almost felt nothing. No anger, no longing. Just mainly wondered what H is doing with his time and whether he already is dating. I wouldn't be surprised, even though we agreed to no dating during the 2 month "trial" separation. He's not wearing his wedding ring so he must not feel married. Well, I think I probably feel this way, or have lack of feeling, because I am filling my life with other things now. I don't think to much about it. Just an observation.
Of course he wants to think you are seeing someone; it's something else for which he can blame you and justify his own behaviour. Don't enter the tournament. 
