I'm feeling very heavy hearted and do not want to go to work today. I also don't want to drive D4 to school, deal with clients, go to the gym, or make any plans. I just want to lay in bed and cry all day. I want to cry about an amazing woman I lost. I want to cry at the prolonged lack of affection that I'm facing, I want to cry about being single again, possibly into my 40s, I want to cry at the thought that I can never father children again, and I want to cry about coming home regularly to an empty home.
And I know I can't. Any scenario I am facing right now, I see hopelessness and loneliness...and it's just as ugly as it was when I dealt it pre-W.
I am going to in a lot of awful pain for a long time and I have no idea when/if it will end.
It's definitely a tough day when the realization that what was once a beautiful relationship is now irrevocably done and over with. For a long time in our sitches we delude ourselves, saying that we accept that the old relationship is over, but somewhere deep in our hearts it isn't true. We still cling to the old MR and think that if we just have the right opportunity to say the right thing it will all turn around. Then there comes a moment when it hits us like a ton of bricks that this new reality is actually real, that R is not a likely option and that most likely we will head down the path to D. That there is no turning back only an uncertain future. For me the pain was nearly as great as BD and it sent me into a depression that I struggled to come out of. So I understand what you are feeling right now.
That said, this is also the make it or break it moment. This is when you decide if all the changes you are making are really for you or if they were just made in hopes of R. This is when you get to decide if you are going to keep working on yourself to become AMOAFWL or if you are going to slide back into old patterns, or are going to numb yourself (with work, sex, drink, internet, etc...) It is often in these lowest moments that we can most clearly discover what our values truly are. Life has knocked us on our a#sses, but it is still our choice how to respond to that.
What do you value? What kind of man do you want to be in the future? That needs to be your focus.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Right now? I just want my D4 to have the best R with me, get myself in better physical shape, and do kickass work at my great job.
Now put it into action.
As clichéd as it sounds. You are responsible for your own happiness. Don't focus on the things that you no longer have (this is fruitless). Focus on the things that you have and you can control. Start by writing down a list of all the things in your life you are grateful for - you've got part of the list in your last posting.
- I am grateful for D4. I will try and be the best dad I can for her. I will do this by being present when we are together. - I am grateful that I am fit and healthy. I will build on this by going to the gym/running x times a week - I am grateful that I have a job I enjoy and where I am appreciated. I will make an effort to see what opportunities/training is on offer and make sure they know I am interested.
and lastly ... as is repeated on this board many times: TIME IS YOUR FRIEND
So how about this one from me ... "I am grateful that I have the time and freedom to try new hobbies and interests. I will join a group and foster these interests and make new friends (I know this has been suggested before, but try meetup.com)"
We basically surrendered last night. The M is over. Vanilla was right. W is in a transitional R.
This is me truly letting go. This is me surrendering. This is me accepting that our R is truly over.
No busting this D. It’s likely to happen
I’m tired. Tired of fighting a losing battle. Tired of the anxiety and sleepless nights. And tired or putting hope into something that a left a long time ago.
I am terribly sad.
Of course you "surrendered". You pressured the hell out of her and right now it seems easier to quit to both of you. What was the point of all the pressure and pursuit the last few days? Did it do anything positive?
Even if you decided to divorce, the pressure is useless.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Of course you "surrendered". You pressured the hell out of her and right now it seems easier to quit to both of you. What was the point of all the pressure and pursuit the last few days? Did it do anything positive?
Even if you decided to divorce, the pressure is useless.
And I knew that last weekend. I knew when I called it was considered pursuit. I knew that the false signs I thought I perceived as positives was considered pursuit.
I do not know if there is an easier solution than divorcing. I just know that other than not doing anything it's the only choice I have left.
I am in a high emotional state right now. I am not going to make any decisions at this time right now.
I just need to get myself again to a better place. I am no longer focused on saving the marriage. I am focused on making myself happy. Whatever happens is going to happen. If W decides to give it another go, great. If I meet someone else and we hit it off, great.
I just don't want to be miserable anymore.
Where is the pressure in regards to divorce?
And W made it clear that since we're separated, her R with OM is not considered an affair, but a "healthy, caring relationship." I did not respond. I did not validate. I did not take the fight bait. I was stoic.
It's definitely a tough day when the realization that what was once a beautiful relationship is now irrevocably done and over with. For a long time in our sitches we delude ourselves, saying that we accept that the old relationship is over, but somewhere deep in our hearts it isn't true. We still cling to the old MR and think that if we just have the right opportunity to say the right thing it will all turn around. Then there comes a moment when it hits us like a ton of bricks that this new reality is actually real, that R is not a likely option and that most likely we will head down the path to D. That there is no turning back only an uncertain future. For me the pain was nearly as great as BD and it sent me into a depression that I struggled to come out of. So I understand what you are feeling right now.
That said, this is also the make it or break it moment. This is when you decide if all the changes you are making are really for you or if they were just made in hopes of R. This is when you get to decide if you are going to keep working on yourself to become AMOAFWL or if you are going to slide back into old patterns, or are going to numb yourself (with work, sex, drink, internet, etc...) It is often in these lowest moments that we can most clearly discover what our values truly are. Life has knocked us on our a#sses, but it is still our choice how to respond to that.
What do you value? What kind of man do you want to be in the future? That needs to be your focus.
Thank you. The changes I am making will be worked to make it permanent. I do not drink anymore. I work to enjoy it but not obsess over it. I have phone addition problems, but that has been constant, and sex...I've been celibate for 10 months. If there is an opportunity for some release, I will go for it (safely).
Right now, I just want to get back on my own two feet and get through today. Then tomorrow, then the next day. That's it. That's all I care about achieving right now. I just want to make it to Friday.
I just know that other than not doing anything it's the only choice I have left.
So do nothing. It's the best choice you have.
Originally Posted by pain18
And W made it clear that since we're separated, her R with OM is not considered an affair, but a "healthy, caring relationship."
I read in a book about recovering from D that essentially all "transitional relationships" end, as they should. They are healthy, they are caring, under certain conditions. But they are not REAL.
We all talk about taking the time, you know, a year or two, to become prepared for a new R. How would a transitional R that began before D be healthy? It's an A, plain and simple, and it's destined for failure.
Set that aside, don't let it eat at you. Time will sort this all out.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
