I am an angry man!!! Not really, but sometimes I am. A lot of it I "learned" watching my father take out all his insecurities and failures on the people around him. And of course I am still hurt about where my marriage is. But you're right, getting to that mental "sweet spot" where you can be in control of yourself is what it's all about.
My W called me a "dumbass" last night in a mean way, for not pulling out of a driveway faster with a car coming. I could sense it was anger and bitterness like my father always showed. I used to spit a lot of this venom at my W. And I know this venom comes from hurt and pain. So I initially addressed the disrespect, but I didn't hang on to it. Will I tolerate forever? No. But being reactionary doesn't help a thing. Understanding other lashing out has more to do with their own chaos than anything is something I think you and I both "get".
And I really wanted to commiserate with you. Call her bad words, spit, cuss, you know: guy stuff!
So sorry for making my post all about me, I am happy for your progress. The part that stood out the most to me was your decision to no longer just survive, but to thrive. I think that's why you will do well.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovr - I'll get back to you with a response later today.
In the meantime, watch the David Goggins interview on Impact Theory (it's an awesome show on youtube). Watch David Goggins interview on the Joe Rogan podcast. If I could get every LBS to follow one person's journey, it would be this man. He's not just an inspiration, but a glimpse into the potential we have as human beings. There is hope for all of us to crush it in life.
Ovr - circling back to your post, yes, we learn so much from our parents consciously and subconsciously and it becomes our own internal pattern without us even realizing it. At least you can see where you're getting your anger from and how it manifests in your interactions with W.
Clearly, figuring out how to manage anger is one of your areas of personal growth. We all have ours that have contributed negatively to our relationships, with mine being having a sense of control over everything. I didn't even realize it until I went back to understand why I was behaving the way I was and what were the roots of that behavior. And then the next step is to unlearn and relearn new healthy behaviors. Not just so that we're good to others, but that we're good to ourselves - taking stress levels down significantly.
But you have to put in serious work. Acknowledging the truth is one thing, but translating that into action to make positive changes is another. You have to get it to it.
I don't know how you addressed your W's disrespect in the car, but you've gotta stop that stuff right in the tracks. There is in no way or shape anyone's talking to me like that. Accuray has an amazing post about this somewhere and I might've copied it in one my threads. If I have time I will go digging one day to find it.
Commiserate here for sure.
Don't worry about taking over my thread to discuss some topics. I am past the panic inducing stage of BD and so I don't post much unless there's something to talk about.
When I started out I didn't know if I was going to make it through and do well. So, don't discount your potential. Everybody can get to the other side. Just takes patience, hard work and some time.
My updates are sparse as things have just settled for me and I am way past the aftermath of the BD and wanting to reconcile the M. I have put the separation agreement process in action and it should be a smooth path. W and I agree on everything and now the L's are just drawing things up and we'll sign it by the end of the month. Right after that I will be filing for D and we should be able to do it jointly and save on L costs. The D process takes a bit of time, but it is just bureaucracy and waiting for it to get firmed up. I don't see any change in course from W. She had the opportunity to talk to me when I put the separation agreement process in action, but I got nothing from her.
It's all good. I wasn't starting all of this up as a temp check tactic. I am done and wanting to close this chapter from a legal point of view. We've been living like we're D for the last 18 months and this is just putting a fine point on it.
I have decided to start dating in 2019, with or without D papers finalized. D is just a procedural thing now.
In the mean time, I have lost 20 pounds over the last 12 weeks and my knee is close to being fully healed. I should be able to start working out fully and climbing by early February. I am super excited.
For the newbies, I am sorry you're here, but you're in the best place here. There is life after all of this and time and internal work will bring you home to yourself. Stay with the DB principles and do the work. It might not save your M, but will definitely save you. I am proof of that. And there are many of us here who are living full and joyous lives.
Dude.....great update! Last night I was home alone (it's my week without the kids), sipping some bourbon, watching Monday Night Football in my house, in complete silence (outside of the dog) and just thought to myself how awesome and blessed I am. Sure their are aspects of it that suck but truthfully my XW was a $hitty a$$ spouse and I deserve so much better. I didn't realize it when I was in the weeds emotionally but looking back this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hate paying child support but it is almost worth it
Yeh I feel you on W (XW in your case) being a $hitty a$$ spouse. I just know so clearly what I want and W doesn't have that. I am sure it is vice versa too, but I am still going to be AMOAFWL. I can see she hasn't done the internal work and I am in a different dimension compared to her. I don't want to go back and I am not waiting on years. Life is short and I don't know how much time I have on my hands. I am not wasting it and dwelling on the past.
The only thing that still stings is not seeing my kids every day. But I am really squeezing every moment with them and making sure they're good and we're having fun and spending quality time together. We did the xmas tree last night together and it was so much fun. Grateful for such moments every day with them.
Good to hear it Maika, I guarantee part of her is like WTH, he doesn't even care anymore! And the old saying is "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned", but I think a woman that isn't pursued by someone the woman thinks should be pursuing is even more infuriating.
Good for you on the mental and emotional clarity. I don't agree with divorce, but my morals aren't everyone else's morals and you guys have been apart so long that a formal D won't change much.
I wish you good luck getting back into dating. Are you going to be looking for something serious, casual, or just reliving your early twenties??? If it's reliving the early 20's, well, I'll expect reports on Monday mornings. The guys here can have a laugh while the women here call us immature. It could be great...
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I know after having them for a full week by myself I am ready for a break when the week is over. My X and I are very flexible with each other so if either one of us want them when it is not our week there are no issues. We sit next to each other at all of our kids games, school events, etc. One of the soccer parents commented to me that if they didn't know any better they would have no idea we were Divorced. I mean we don't sit there and chat it up but I want my daughters to feel comfortable around us both when we are together. I don't want it to be awkward for them or make them feel like they have to choose sides.
I know my XW has not done the work either. She went as is from me to another man. I agree also that I am sure it is vice versa with her as well, never wanting to come back however for her sake she does have some work to do on herself and while it is no longer my concern I know she would benefit from it. If I was stronger I would have tapped out along time ago, she might run into a guy that won't put up with her shenanigans and he could tap out like I should have.
Oh well, whatever. As long as my kids are happy (and they appear to be doing great) that is all I am concerned about.
Another success story! Maika it is great to see you happy, healthy and planning for the future. The new posters here should gain strength from you knowing that no matter what their spouses decide, they will be better for it and able to move forward.
Onward and upward Maika!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Great update! I am glad to read that things are going so well for you. I hope you know that it is because YOU did the hard work of letting her go, giving up control, and mostly because you focused on YOU! It's all in your attitude and hard work and not about winning back a (unhealthy) person or marriage! If your spouse isn't also willing to make positive changes in themself and recommit, then there is no M. You get it! We can all learn from you!
You and J9 are shining examples of how well DBing can work and you guys are both success stories that newbies should follow! Newbies, go back and read both of their threads from the start and you will see what I mean. This is how it's done.
M, are you going to join the chats in "Surviving The Big D?" Sometimes I peek over there and feel jealous at how much fun they are having and how active their conversations are!
Keep up the good work, buddy! Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
