R2C, I can see how I have wroded things that it may come across as me trying to control her. I am not trying to control her, I am trying to control myself. I am being taken advantage of, I am 100% responsible for that I need to not allow that. I have so much work to do to get to where I want with boundaries especially. Thanks for providing links, especially that second one on boundaries, I had not seen that one before.
W kept pressing for some info from me, who are you talking to?, who are you hanging out with all the time? are you dating? are you on dating apps? I advised her that I was not having this discussion, she kept pressing so I walked away and went to bed. This morning I can't help but wonder where the heck all this came from.
My friend, this is classic "projection". Here's how it is defined: "Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of one’s negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else." So in short, she is either having an A or is on the cusp of starting one so is putting you on the defensive to pave the way for her actions. You'll be too busy defending yourself to notice what she's doing. It's like a magician (or pickpocket) performing sleight-of-hand, you're watching all the activity in his right hand while his left hand is doing something nefarious.
I think things got derailed a bit here today so I want to try and bring things back in. My original post this morning was to try and get some help with boundaries and in a round about way we are getting there. So here goes attempt #2 with what I have picked up this morning.
Me to W:
Currently I am covering all of the household bills, including all of the luxuries such as Netflix, and internet. When the budget that I emailed remains unaddressed I fell anxious about the bills and taken advantage of. I need you to review the budget I have previously emailed, discuss any changes that you would like to implement and pay your share of the bills. If I remain the only person contributing to the monthly expenses then I will begin restricting access to the Netfix and internet usage. I do not want it to come to this but will have no choice but to implement access passwords if it comes to that.
Thoughts? Am I making progress and laying it out properly?
AnotherStander, Thank you for the clarification on "projection". While how I handled the conversation in not the worst way possible another lesson learned here was that I really need to just stick to fact that given the current sitch of our relationship what I am doing with my life, who I am hanging out with and where I am going through out the day is none of her business and really just need to express that and remain firm on that.
I think things got derailed a bit here today so I want to try and bring things back in. My original post this morning was to try and get some help with boundaries and in a round about way we are getting there. So here goes attempt #2 with what I have picked up this morning.
Me to W:
Currently I am covering all of the household bills, including all of the luxuries such as Netflix, and internet. When the budget that I emailed remains unaddressed I fell anxious about the bills and taken advantage of. I need you to review the budget I have previously emailed, discuss any changes that you would like to implement and pay your share of the bills. If I remain the only person contributing to the monthly expenses then I will begin restricting access to the Netfix and internet usage. I do not want it to come to this but will have no choice but to implement access passwords if it comes to that.
Thoughts? Am I making progress and laying it out properly?
No, I think you misunderstand what boundaries are. Here's a blurb from a psychology web site:
Quote
What Is Meant By Healthy Boundaries?
According to the IPFW/Parkview Student Assistance Program, “a boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends … [t]he purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect and take good care of you”.
In general, “[h]ealthy boundaries are those boundaries that are set to make sure mentally and emotionally you are stable” (Prism Health North Texas). Another way to think about it is that “[o]ur boundaries might be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even non-existent. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate that we don’t have a strong identity or are enmeshed with someone else” (Cleantis, 2017).
This last quote shows that healthy boundaries can also serve to establish one’s identity, as well as what one is responsible for. Specifically, healthy boundaries can help someone define themselves as a person (rather than simply as part of a group or partnership) and can help someone decide what they will and will not hold themselves responsible for.
While healthy boundaries are often psychological or emotional, boundaries can also, of course, be physical. For example, declining physical contact from a coworker can be as important (or more important) a boundary as asking that same coworker not to make too many demands on your time or emotions.
Boundaries don't really have anything to do with expenses, they are in regards to personal welfare. If you're having trouble paying expenses then just say "W, I can no longer meet our monthly expenses, are you in a position to contribute? If not then we will have to cancel Netflix (or whatever)."
Lots of LBSs start R talks due to what we call "the illusion of action". Most LBSs that are in limbo HATE IT. And they think any action is better than inaction. It isn't.
Why suddenly are you in such a rush to define boundaries and demand money? What do you think the outcome will be? If she can't use Netflix and internet does that help or hurt your sitch?
Also, try to throw emotion out the window and ask yourself, objectively, what the motivations behind your actions are. So many of us LBSs do things in the guise of setting boundaries, standing up for ourselves, etc, when really it is just manipulation attempts, or trying to get the WAS' attention.
So what is the rush?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
AnotherStander, Thank you for the clarification on "projection". While how I handled the conversation in not the worst way possible another lesson learned here was that I really need to just stick to fact that given the current sitch of our relationship what I am doing with my life, who I am hanging out with and where I am going through out the day is none of her business and really just need to express that and remain firm on that.
Yes, but I think it's fine to tell her you are not dating. I think that may have been mentioned in DR in fact. You're not supposed to willingly and freely offer up info on what your GAL entails, but if she specifically asks you if you are dating then it's fine to say "not at this time, I'm not ready for that" and let it go.
Originally Posted by Steve85
RH, please step back for a minute.
Lots of LBSs start R talks due to what we call "the illusion of action". Most LBSs that are in limbo HATE IT. And they think any action is better than inaction. It isn't.
Why suddenly are you in such a rush to define boundaries and demand money? What do you think the outcome will be? If she can't use Netflix and internet does that help or hurt your sitch?
Also, try to throw emotion out the window and ask yourself, objectively, what the motivations behind your actions are. So many of us LBSs do things in the guise of setting boundaries, standing up for ourselves, etc, when really it is just manipulation attempts, or trying to get the WAS' attention.
Boundaries don't really have anything to do with expenses, they are in regards to personal welfare. If you're having trouble paying expenses then just say "W, I can no longer meet our monthly expenses, are you in a position to contribute? If not then we will have to cancel Netflix (or whatever)."
This is exactly what I was going for. Thanks. You are 100% correct I don't understand boundaries, that's why I'm here. One day at a time.
Lots of LBSs start R talks due to what we call "the illusion of action". Most LBSs that are in limbo HATE IT. And they think any action is better than inaction. It isn't.
Why suddenly are you in such a rush to define boundaries and demand money? What do you think the outcome will be? If she can't use Netflix and internet does that help or hurt your sitch?
Also, try to throw emotion out the window and ask yourself, objectively, what the motivations behind your actions are. So many of us LBSs do things in the guise of setting boundaries, standing up for ourselves, etc, when really it is just manipulation attempts, or trying to get the WAS' attention.
So what is the rush?
I am not really in a rush, given how today is going for me I may not even actually discuss any of this with W for some time (at least not until I have a better understanding of how to do it). I am just trying to get a grasp on this stuff for my own good. I am really just trying to get feedback and appreciate all that is being provided. One thing that I can say with 100% honesty is my intentions here are genuinely not to manipulate W or get her attention. My whole drive behind all of this is to improve myself and only myself for the future. Saving my marriage if that happens is an afterthought.
The state that the house is in with all sorts of items dropped on the floor, stuff piling up on the counter and me being left to clean up the mess is causing me a great deal of stress, anxiety, embarrassment when friends and family come over and is leaving me feeling overwhelmed. It is not a healthy way to live for neither myself nor the kids, Are you able to take on more of the daily chores to help alleviate some of the pressure I am feeling. If things don't change then we will have to reconsider the "nesting" living arrangement and look for separate homes.
