Textbook WAW

[Ready2Change]

I nested. I would go to parents house. I believe she went to friends house.

I would not get a second place.


Give her two options:


1) Nesting at freinds house.
2) She gets her own place.

Let her know that you do not want either of these, but if it is the ONLY WAY FOR HER TO BE HAPPY, you will support her. And the parenting is split 50%.

[MoveFrwd]

FWIW, I did go through a couple months of a nesting arrangement. I couldnt deal well with living in the same house as my ex-WW and pushed for the separation to start earlier than she could get a second place. So we did the nesting arrangement for about 2 months before she planned to move out. Luckily, we each have family and friends nearby and spent that time in guest rooms and couches and such.

I can see both sides of the coin for the arrangement. I think the kids having as much stability as possible during a time of upheaval is definitely a positive. My kids didnt leave the home during that time, and I was able to keep the place after my XW left, so theyve at least had a constant touchpoint. If you wind up selling the house anyway, maybe it's less important. Ultimately, I think it comes to finances - Can she afford a second place to go and which can be furnished to be living with the kids? My ex and I couldnt really set up a second living space quickly and it didnt make sense for the times when she had them for her to be couch surfing with them or whatever.

The key to making nesting work (which we did a poor job) is setting some ground rules at each place regarding cleaning, chores, etc. My ex was in our main house on garbage day and didnt take anything out over the course of a month ::eyeroll:: Of course, she didnt mow the lawn or clean the sheets, grocery shop or whatever either. I dont know that it's the worst arrangement as 1) you can live your own life without focusing on every little thing she does and 2) it gives you a chance to work together and collaborate.

Just some thoughts.

[RyanHun]

LH,
That's the problem I don't know what this is? She has made it clear she wants a separation so i would say this is not a trial. But that's where all my confusion comes in because she doesn't seem to have any real direction either way and all the wayward spouse stuff comes into play. I get all the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" , the "I really hope we can be best friends" then comes the "I don't feel that way about you and we will never work" and the "I need space away from you". I have offered she take all the space she needs, that if she wants to live on her own that I won't stop her. I have advised her that she needs to do what she feels is right and I won't do anything to stop that. But then she refuses, says she's not going anywhere, says she's not leaving the kids. I then clarify that I am not saying anything about leaving the kids that I am saying if she wants out of our marriage then she is free to go. I really don't think she knows what she wants.

[RyanHun]

I don't see how nesting could possibly work in our situation based on how W is when it comes to housework and finances, we can't afford a second place, and I don't really think there is a place either of us can go to stay while the other person is in the house. But it seems she doesn't want to hear any of this or actually do some research on any of the above situations. Everything currently is just made off of knee jerk reactions without looking at the big picture or the inner workings of any of the options in front of us. Currently we have been living in the same house, in separate bed rooms raising the kids and things were going well so I'm not sure why the sudden urgency to start proceeding in the first place.

[LH19]

R,

I hate to be the one to break the news to you but it is more then likely so she can be with another man. Refresh my memory. Is there a confirmed OM in your sitch?

Also, all her decisions are based on emotions and not logic and reason.

[RyanHun]

LH,
There is currently not a confirmed Om but I gave resigned myself to the fact that there very likely is something on the side here and accept that fact. I am not sure if it is a physical or emotional affair or if one exists period but it certainly seems that way. So I find myslef stuck between a rock and a hard place. I plan to stick with what I am working on including Gal, DB'ing, self improvement mentally, self improvement physically, looking my best, looking after the kids and accepting what I cannot change.

[Ready2Change]

DO NOT ARGUE. Agree.

H"This is not working for me either. Share with me your plan IN WRITING on how we solve this. I will review it and get back to you when I have made a decision"

I don't see how nesting could possibly work in our situation

Ask wife to draw out her plan and email it to you for your review.,

based on how W is when it comes to housework

Time for her to put on her big girl pants.

and finances, we can't afford a second place,

Ask her to draw up a budget so you can see how she thinks this will look financially.

But it seems she doesn't want to hear any of this or actually do some research on any of the above situations.

Perfect. Do not do any work toward this. Let her do the work.

Everything currently is just made off of knee jerk reactions without looking at the big picture or the inner workings of any of the options in front of us.

Always respond with "I will review this. I will let you know what I have decided.

Currently we have been living in the same house, in separate bed rooms

Are you sleeping in the nicest room?

raising the kids and things were going well so

The truth? Your opinion?

I'm not sure why the sudden urgency to start proceeding in the first place.

I would bet OP.

This morning she called

Why did you answer?

and wants to discuss living arrangements

Why did you continue?

and expenses moving forward.

"I am busy. We can talk later"

First off financially it would be hard.

Logic does not work. Divorce is financially devastating for all involved.

Second we would essentially be living out of a suitcase for the foreseeable future.

Her choice let her feel how this skucs.

Then there are all the other issues, she is a very messy person so now I would have two places to try and keep clean myself.

180 Do not clean up her mess. Set a boundary. Enforce the boundary. Do this with the kids as well. "Anything I have to pickup on trash day is doing into the trash." is the mindset.

She is terrible with money management

Her problem. Separate as much as possible.

What do we do about groceries and food etc.

Aks her for her plan

This seems like a bad way to live

It is.

and I'm not so sure it really would be better for the kids.

None of this is good for the kids. Wife is in selfish mode. You are the one standing up for the family.

I am wondering if any of you guys have first hand experience with this kind of living arrangement and what everyone's thoughts are?

Don't Do it.

[Ready2Change]

There is currently not a confirmed Om but I gave resigned myself to the fact that there very likely is something on the side here and accept that fact. I am not sure if it is a physical or emotional affair or if one exists period but it certainly seems that way.

There is. Real or imaginary. Time will answer this question.

So I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This is vague. Elaborate and clarify.

I plan to stick with what I am working on including Gal

What are the next 3 GAL you have planned?

DB'ing,

What new changes are you planning?

self improvement mentally

What techniques are you using for this?

self improvement physically,

You are working out. How often?

looking my best,

What specific changes have you made? Any others you want?

looking after the kids

Enjoy every moment. Take mental snapshots. 10 years goes by really fast.

and accepting what I cannot change.

What can you change? Changing the way you interact is critical. List out the ways you have changes your interaction. List out areas of improvement.

[RyanHun]

DO NOT ARGUE. Agree.

H"This is not working for me either. Share with me your plan IN WRITING on how we solve this. I will review it and get back to you when I have made a decision"

Working on this, part more since last night.

I don't see how nesting could possibly work in our situation

Ask wife to draw out her plan and email it to you for your review.,

This is exactly what I did this morning when she phoned. I simply stated the 1) I was at work and didn't have time to discuss. 2) I didn't feel it was something we should discuss over the pone and requested she outline what her plan was over email and we could discuss in person once that was done.

based on how W is when it comes to housework

Time for her to put on her big girl pants.

100% Agree. Time for her to get her act together and act like an adult

and finances, we can't afford a second place,

Ask her to draw up a budget so you can see how she thinks this will look financially.

Budget was also included in this mornings email request. I outlined all household expenses and divided 50/50 for now and requested she add anything that she needed and get back to me.

But it seems she doesn't want to hear any of this or actually do some research on any of the above situations.

Perfect. Do not do any work toward this. Let her do the work.

This is exactly my plan. I am looking into things for my benefit and to be prepared but am not providing her with any advice or guidance in how best to proceed.

Everything currently is just made off of knee jerk reactions without looking at the big picture or the inner workings of any of the options in front of us.

Always respond with "I will review this. I will let you know what I have decided.

Thanks for this great tip on how to respond.

Currently we have been living in the same house, in separate bed rooms

Are you sleeping in the nicest room?

I am sleeping where I want and am comfortable with that.

raising the kids and things were going well so

The truth? Your opinion?

This is 100% about me. Things were working well for me and things were well for the kids.

I'm not sure why the sudden urgency to start proceeding in the first place.

I would bet OP.

This morning she called

Why did you answer?

It was right around the time the kids were heading out to school so i assumed it was something along those lines. In hind sight i should have just politely ended the call.

and wants to discuss living arrangements

Why did you continue?

I didn't, as mentined above I suggested we talk in person at a later date when things are more clearly laid out for review.

and expenses moving forward.

"I am busy. We can talk later"

First off financially it would be hard.

Logic does not work. Divorce is financially devastating for all involved.

Especially living in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

Second we would essentially be living out of a suitcase for the foreseeable future.

Her choice let her feel how this skucs.

I keep mentioning this but then she refuses. I have very politely suggested that for at least a brief period she take all the space she needs and if that includes living separate that it is fine with me.

Then there are all the other issues, she is a very messy person so now I would have two places to try and keep clean myself.

180 Do not clean up her mess. Set a boundary. Enforce the boundary. Do this with the kids as well. "Anything I have to pickup on trash day is doing into the trash." is the mindset.

This was also discussed in my email this morning. My boundaries and what is expected surrounding housework, childcare, event scheduling etc.

She is terrible with money management

Her problem. Separate as much as possible.

What do we do about groceries and food etc.

Aks her for her plan

This seems like a bad way to live

It is.

and I'm not so sure it really would be better for the kids.

None of this is good for the kids. Wife is in selfish mode. You are the one standing up for the family.

I am wondering if any of you guys have first hand experience with this kind of living arrangement and what everyone's thoughts are?

Don't Do it.

[RyanHun]

There is currently not a confirmed Om but I gave resigned myself to the fact that there very likely is something on the side here and accept that fact. I am not sure if it is a physical or emotional affair or if one exists period but it certainly seems that way.

There is. Real or imaginary. Time will answer this question.


Time will certainly tell

So I find myself stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This is vague. Elaborate and clarify.


Just torn on really trying to accomplish what is best for the kids and myself. I know it is vague, it is vague for myself as well right now. This is a subject I really need to gain clarity on.

I plan to stick with what I am working on including Gal

What are the next 3 GAL you have planned?


Continuing with my exercise regime, continuing with my new mens group meetings every Friday night, a couple of activities with friends, fishing and golf specifically.

DB'ing,

What new changes are you planning?


Biggest thing is maintaining no pursuit, re stating my boundaries so they are clear and sticking to them, controlling my emotions and not reacting to her mood/anger

self improvement mentally

What techniques are you using for this?


IC, meditation, reading

self improvement physically,

You are working out. How often?


I am now 4 times a week. Also quit smoking and pretty much zero alcohol.

looking my best,

What specific changes have you made? Any others you want?

New hair style, new clothes and shoes, new smell good, and keeping up with it throughout the day. In other words not throwing on a grubby shirt and sweat pants when I get home.

looking after the kids

Enjoy every moment. Take mental snapshots. 10 years goes by really fast.

and accepting what I cannot change.

What can you change? Changing the way you interact is critical. List out the ways you have changes your interaction. List out areas of improvement.