I think everyone is trying to communicate two thing: the first is you filing for D with not stop the pain. The pain will only stop when you detach. This takes a long time maybe years. The second only file for D if you are ready. If you are actively posting on this forum I am guessing you are not ready.
As many have posted, there are not shortcuts. You have to move through the pain.
I promise you that it will get better just try to take it one day at a time.
I like to solo backpack and solo big game hunt. When I go its 3 to 7 days at a time. Have you spent 7 days in the wilderness without seeing a single face? Being alone is frightening, if I die out there I die alone. I always have an initial urge to pack up and head home the first day. I just want to go home and see my wife and kids. However, I don't. I focus on the trip day by day, hike here, or hunt there, or look for water over here. I also use these time to reflect. Staying focused on the trip, and inner reflection quieten the urge to run home to the wife and kids, it quietens the fear. I make it through the trip and it helps me to grow. Every hike, every hunt is a learning experience. I liken this experience to my sitch, heck everyone's. We go alone, we can't go back, but when we get to the other side some will reconcile, some D, some D then reconcile, and so forth. If we really work on this the right way, focus on the trip, the next mile, meal, etc while reflecting on ourselves both the good and bad we will grow and learn and be better for it. Heck I am already outgrowing my W ability to communicate with me, I want an adult convo, she wants to argue, yell, and insult, etc.
You probably have heard the saying what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Well I for one am looking forward to being stronger.
Last edited by Twofeet; 10/24/1809:49 PM.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
TF, that was actually my yearbook quote. Scary. And if someone who goes on weeklong solo backpacking trips and solo big game hunting trips is hurting as much as I am, then I guess I don’t have to feel like such a wuss. No offense but your W is a fool and you are the man only that fool would leave.
Different topic, for those of you who are more sedentary like me. Just started reading Robert Greene’s new book, The Laws of Human Nature. He’s the guy who wrote The Art of Seduction, which I think is on R2C’s reading list. Anyway, two pages in, seems like it’s pretty relevant.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Exhausted all day, all I want is to go to bed. Then I get to bed and can’t sleep. Lovely.
Here’s one for the night owls: what if W is right? She’s not really acting selfish, crazy, or anything. She’s just over it. So maybe she’s right. We were incompatible, and too much damage has already been done...what if I’m the one who’s crazy and selfish for trying to fix this? I mean, sometimes things just don’t work out, and holding out hope is maybe just stubborn and counterproductive.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Exhausted all day, all I want is to go to bed. Then I get to bed and can’t sleep. Lovely.
Here’s one for the night owls: what if W is right? She’s not really acting selfish, crazy, or anything. She’s just over it. So maybe she’s right. We were incompatible, and too much damage has already been done...what if I’m the one who’s crazy and selfish for trying to fix this? I mean, sometimes things just don’t work out, and holding out hope is maybe just stubborn and counterproductive.
I also have the same thoughts about my own situation.
Exhausted all day, all I want is to go to bed. Then I get to bed and can’t sleep. Lovely.
Here’s one for the night owls: what if W is right? She’s not really acting selfish, crazy, or anything. She’s just over it. So maybe she’s right. We were incompatible, and too much damage has already been done...what if I’m the one who’s crazy and selfish for trying to fix this? I mean, sometimes things just don’t work out, and holding out hope is maybe just stubborn and counterproductive.
So what? It makes no difference whatsoever. You still have your journey to take. AND FOR F. SAKE QUIT IT ALREADY (trying to fix IT as you call it). YOU CANNOT FIX IT. You can only fix yourself, but you are too stubborn (or blind) to even notice. You have years' of work to do on yourself and you come up with excuses why not to do it. Get your a$$ in gear already. This is your 7th thread and you are spinning your wheels like it's your first day.
Hope is never counter productive, expectations are. And you have a BIG problem separating the both.
Ok, let's break this down. You say what if she is not ACTING. I can answer that, she's not. People feelings change on a daily basis. Stop worrying about how she feels. And focus on you. You can't change her! You can only change you. "Too much damage is subjective". There are folks on this board that have dealt with the craziest situations and now they are reconned. TxHubby sitch and W was out of control and now they are reconned. And others have crazier stories than his. Don't lose hope but drop all expectations. Live to heal yourself and not to save your wife.
Your statement about being compatible is you trying to rationalize your sitch. Being compatible, well there is really IMO no such thing. There are so many people who CHOOSE the person they are with because of things outside of being compatible and they make it work. There are so many people everyday that go thru destruction and pain being compatible has nothing to do with a person leaving.
Your WW will say whatever see needs to keep you at bay and on her string at the same time. Believe nothing they say. I tell my W all the time last summer you said this. And she says, "I was in a fantasy, the lowest point in my life". (I have never told her about DB, by the way). But last summer I felt the same way you feel B. And I asked the same questions. What if?
Work hard on you and the rest will work itself out.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Thanks joejoe. I figure if my feelings change 5 times a day, maybe hers do too. I just don’t see it, she’s really good at putting up a front. She always was, and I used to be able to see through it.
Vapo, thanks for the ice bucket. I am stubborn, it’s true. That’s an area I should work on. And definitely true that I have a problems with expectations, it’s something my IC has pointed out repeatedly since this craziness began.
I overthink things. Another area of growth. But I’m doing some things that are helpful. Trying to do one GAL activity per week with new people. Rebuilding at work, and already I’m using what I’ve learned about NGS to deal with a particularly annoying colleague. And this morning I decided that when my ankle is healed, I’ll fly west and climb Mt. Hood or something. My sister is a mountain guide out there so she can probably take me up there. I’ll have to learn some technical climbing. I also live a couple miles from the AT so maybe for Thanksgiving (since I won’t be at W’s family’s place, and my parents aren’t from the US so they don’t really care about Thanksgiving), I’ll do a few days of cold weather backpacking. AT is quieter in the cold months.
So I mean, I have things to look forward to. Need to put in a little planning. Actually even the planning can be fun.
“You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.” ---Carl Jung
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Hey burned, I know it's not easy we all struggle but I have to keep telling myself to control the peaks and valleys. I still slip and have expectations but you have to slap yourself in the face and sometimes say out loud...STOP IT. We know what is happening but learn from it, stop giving in to it and sliding back on the see saw.
Don't try to figure out what she is thinking, assess what YOU are thinking when she makes a move towards you. Realize that it is only temporary...isn't that what it has been the last 100X? I'm right there with you and the struggle is real to fully detach but I work on it a little at a time.
I don't know what real R will look like or feel like but I can't keep sitting around waiting for it. I want to be in control of my life again and that does not require WW.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I enabled the entire thing as I sat back, gave her time/distance and worked on myself. I enabled her to get comfortable and move forward on her terms.
Im sorry for the hijack, but I dont really understand this. It sounds very bitter...like you should have done something differently. I dont see why it's a big deal that your XW was "comfortable" before filing. All you have control over is you....if you werent ready to file for divorce, then what difference does it make what she does or how she is doing it?
