I know you want to try and repair our marriage, but I am ready to move on. I just can’t do this anymore. I care for you, I truly do, but I’m moving on.
Set her free. Do not try and control her. No Pressure. Help her move on.
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I still have a lot to work on for myself. I have been in a very bad place mentally and emotionally for a very long time! I have to move on for myself! I have fought through a deep depression and am working my way out of it. I’m not sure you understand what I’ve been through, still going through! This was not easy for me, still very difficult!
Give her space to work on HER. Take this time to work on YOU.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you for the comments and taking the time to read my story. I would like to kick her out, how can I do that if she has no intentions on moving out?
NIbs
BD Date - 9/16/18 Me-47 Her -47 D24 D13 GD3 In house seperation
First, believe NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, she says. Both positive and negative So many come here and say "she says we are done, there is no hope to reconcile, and it is over, move on." and they are in deep despair that there is no hope.
There is hope. Even after D, and years apart, there is hope if you are still open to it. Go read a poster named ItHurts thread and you will see there is always hope.
I see you already questions GAL. You just have to do it. DBing isn't about questioning, it is getting on the horse and start exercising the DB muscles. GAL is impossible to do while just talking about doing it, you have to do it. Detachment is impossible to do if you just talk aout it, you have to start working on detaching. 180ing the same way.
You see, the WAS, especially WSs, will talk about a lot of things and do very little of them. They tend to be mostly talk, and little action. As the LBS your job is to let your actions do the talking! Don't talk about it, just do it! We fall into that trap all the time. "I am going to talk to her about this.....I am going to talk to her about that........" Words are not helpful to your sitch. Actions are. Words are method of trying to control. "It really hurt me that you moved out of the bedroom." So? She already knows that, why enunciate it? Actions are about controlling what you can control: YOU. GAL, 180s, detachment. Those are things YOU can do.
So concentrate on you. Read all of cadet's links. Learn sandi's rules. Employ them in your everyday life, and certainly in every interaction with your WAW.
Remember: Let her go to get her back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You can't force her out. But you can tell her that you aren't separated and no one in their right mind would consider you "separated" when she is living there with you.
You are a dad. I'm not. You know what's best for your daughter. That is you being a steady, reliable, loving and honest father. Be that person and don't try to use her to fix your situation. Your daughter may "choose sides" temporarily. I did when my parents divorced and I chose the "wrong" side b/c one of my parents lied to me and manipulated me. Guess what? I found out. Kids will always find out what happened, so do the right thing.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Such great input! I will take all this advice and apply it to my daily routines. I will get out and GAL somehow, even if I am not really enjoying it yet, hope I will with time. In the state I am in, there is no separation agreement that gets filed with the courts. You simply have to separate for a year and at the end of the year when you file for Divorce, you have to prove you have been separated. You can prove this several ways, but mostly by having a certain "separation" date in writing (I suspect this is why she sent the email) and a witness to testify that we have been living separate. My oldest daughter or her mom would be this witness. Simply saying we do live in separate rooms and have had our finances separated. All of which is factually true. We are not fighting at all over money or the kids, we both agree 50/50 is best for kids and she is too stubborn and prideful to ask for any money from me, which is great. She went to my first IC meeting at my urging. She did not want to go, but went with "my" best interests, she says. So my IC could hear her side at the beginning and hope it helps me move forward. The IC was terrible! 90 minutes of how do you feel etc. I was wide open and honest, so was the wife. The IC did 30 min with me , 30 mins with her and 30 mins with both. After, the wife told me the IC told her how strong of a woman she was, and asked her if my wife was afraid of me physically (I'm 6'2 about 220). For the record, I have been faithful my entire marriage and never even a hint of physical abuse to her or my kids, I'm just not built that way. Would NEVER harm female, period. Needless to say I have not gone back to that IC (plus it cost me $500). So I need to move on somehow. Do I move out? I don't want to for several reasons, first being time with my daughter. Second, I demonstrate my ability afford 2 houses, do not want to pay for 2 houses. I'd be broke broke. Third, why should she get a nice big house to play girls gone wild in?
Today I find myself moving from a sadness to anger. How dare she! blah blah blah - I'm mad! Reflection tells me, "Hey dude, you are still making it all about her" stop and focus on yourself.
So about 2 weeks ago, we sat the kids down and told them what was going on. The kids cried at first, asked a few questions and seemed to take it well. The wife was stoic! I have never seen her so stone faced, emotionless in the face of her kids. Having known her for almost 30 years, I can seriously say, I have NEVER seen her be this way especially in front of the kids. Her the both daughters have a fabulous relationship, they are VERY tight. 3-4 calls a day tight. My relationship with them is also very good, we just don't chat as much as they do. During the convo, I did break down and cry, I tried not too, but damn that was rough. Almost immediately after the meeting, my oldest D24 was angry at the wife for giving up and not even attempting to reconcile or go to IC. The anger was short lived however, a brief convo between them and afterwards, they seems to be ok again. My oldest (D24) has been great thru this. She sends me texts almost daily to let me know she is thinking of me and supports me. The holidays are gonna be even rougher logistically. My youngest (D13), just got he interm report card and looks like she is dropping grades fast. She appears to be fine, but I suspect deeper issues are jut starting. I need to get her into IC. How does the attentive mom not see what impact this is having. Her MLC is crushing the family! I'm not even sure anymore if I know or like this new person she has become. I do not think I like this anger stage. While it is nice to not be all hurt and sad, I want to throat punch someone and that's not good for anyone.
In the past month or so, she has not gone out and done anything for herself. Being in the same house, I see her daily/nightly. She does chores / homework / TV with the D13 and then just goes to bed at like 8PM. Like nothing is different. She used to go to bed very early all the time. She tired at end of work day due to her illness's, she says. Again, my thinking is all about her, HELP me HELP me (Jerry Maguire lol).
Ugh
NIbs
BD Date - 9/16/18 Me-47 Her -47 D24 D13 GD3 In house seperation
Setting her free. Helping her move out. Let her feel what is like not to have you. The quicker YOU make things happen, the more chance of saving the R.
These are going to be the most counter-intuitive things you will ever do in your life.
Thanks Ready! So right! I just need to action this!
NIbs
BD Date - 9/16/18 Me-47 Her -47 D24 D13 GD3 In house seperation
I can sense how much you are hurting BUT I can also sense how much your W is confused and hurting. She cannot differentiate what it is that is causing her to hurt so much, so it is easiest to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I think you need to respect the position she currently thinks she is in because getting angry and trying to show her that she is wrong will backfire.
Don't take to heart anything that she says but don't try to prove to her that she is speaking nonsense. My coach said to me that when I try to point out that my Hs words were illogical, it only served to humiliate him. Nobody went back to a R because they felt humiliated.
Read the Lighthouse story. If anyone ever needed to be a lighthouse it is you at the moment.
Awesome! Thanks Yorkie, I had not yet read The Lighthouse. Most applicable and the way my brain initially wanted to go.
In case any have not read it: Your spouse is in huge conflict....
the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush
their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...
their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth
all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life... yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....
they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...
he or she is lost to themselves...
and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...
You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...
see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...
Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get... you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....
they are untrustable right now... but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...
you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions..... set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives.... without lovebusting... offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them... you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....
Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....
your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul... and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...
be the lighthouse....
NIbs
BD Date - 9/16/18 Me-47 Her -47 D24 D13 GD3 In house seperation
Quick update while fresh - Get a text from W today, she says D13 got a ride home from school with a friend vs the family friend we have arranged daily. Didn't ask or tell anyone. When we got home, we confronted D13 as unified parents about the situation. She says her friend invited her last minute and she accepted and just thought she would be home shortly and nobody be the wiser. Wrong. W is angry. Starts diggin into her why she did that, safety issue etc. D13 says her friend is depressed and she wanted to be there for her friend as her parents hit her. She is the light to her friends darkness she says. W digs deeper, how is D13 feeling, anything she wants to talk about? D13 says ya, *she crying* You guys getting a divorce is not what I want, I want you two to stay together. I feel like the family is being torn apart. W says, are you angry with me? D13 says, no. W asks if she will talk with the guidance counselor if she sets it up? D13 says no, I don't like her. W and I agree, time to set up D13 with IC. I left to drop off dry cleaning, all the while wondering just how dark of a place W must be in, to see her D13 going thru this, and still push forward. May be worse than I was thinking. I can handle my pain, but this is another layer. As the father, to see my D in pain like that, caused by us ... not good. Not good at all. Anger sets in - How could she! So i came here to vent vs to her face. Thanks for reading
NIbs
BD Date - 9/16/18 Me-47 Her -47 D24 D13 GD3 In house seperation
