Wow, patience vs confronting. Squirrel vs friend zone.
I just don't know, but it's going to come up at the next MC session. Therapist always asks how the week was, and I'm going to say that "it was pretty good, but she had made no attempt at physical contact. The wedding was nice, but it honestly felt like I went with a friend".
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Get some GAL and get out of your house for a while. You are not waiting for anybody. Make way to show that message. Remember amoafwl is gonna be her loss.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Get some GAL and get out of your house for a while. You are not waiting for anybody. Make way to show that message. Remember amoafwl is gonna be her loss.
Either W is thinking that we're progressing nicely towards reconciliation, or, just biding time till either something 'happens' to get back moving towards D or she's settling into 'convienence' for now.
I don't know which. I'd like to think R, but it's hard to believe if she's making no attempt to touch me at all
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Not much conversation last night. I'm just having some mixed feelings/emotions about the sitch. Which is weird since nothing's really happened or changed. Maybe that's the problem. I mean, how f'n hard is it to reach out and touch my leg or hold my hand? AS's reply about 'friend zone' really got me thinking about this. I suppose it is possible that her goal is to become really good 'friends', so a D or S will be easier.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
I would not say anything to her until you get to a point where you are ready to D if this friend zone BS continues.
You either have infinite patience or you tell her this "friend zone non-sexual relationship relationship is not working for me anymore".
Good point. And I'm sure the answer is 'it's up to you', but what is somewhat of an acceptable time frame for this in your opinion?
We've been in MC for 4 weeks now. And I believe at the very first session, we identified this was my major issue with the M. MC told W she needs to start opening up and initiating very small acts of physical touch (holding hands, cuddling, etc). The closest W has come to any of that is returning to our bed every night. Granted, we were both sick for about 2 weeks, so we did keep our distance for that reason. But again, overall, it's been 4 weeks of basically nothing from her. Even at the wedding Saturday I asked her to slow dance. She initially said no, but then halfway through the song said ok. But it honestly felt like I was dancing with a friend.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Realistically I think you have to give it 2-3 months. I am a firm believer that attraction isn't a choice and most people don't do anything they are not motivated to do so I could see this going on for awhile.
Personally I have changed my stance lately on the patience squirrel and picnic analogy. Being friend zoned and put in limbo by your spouse is probably the worst feeling you may ever experience in your life. Life is too short to not get what you want out of it.
I know easy for me to say now that I am on the other side.
I would not say anything to her until you get to a point where you are ready to D if this friend zone BS continues.
You either have infinite patience or you tell her this "friend zone non-sexual relationship relationship is not working for me anymore".
Good point. And I'm sure the answer is 'it's up to you', but what is somewhat of an acceptable time frame for this in your opinion?
We've been in MC for 4 weeks now. And I believe at the very first session, we identified this was my major issue with the M. MC told W she needs to start opening up and initiating very small acts of physical touch (holding hands, cuddling, etc). The closest W has come to any of that is returning to our bed every night. Granted, we were both sick for about 2 weeks, so we did keep our distance for that reason. But again, overall, it's been 4 weeks of basically nothing from her. Even at the wedding Saturday I asked her to slow dance. She initially said no, but then halfway through the song said ok. But it honestly felt like I was dancing with a friend.
Patience, this is very common early on in R. (I am not guaranteeing you are Ring, but if you are, early on you will feel a bit like a friend). In my sitch, after W started acting like she was ready to be open to Ring, for about 4 weeks it was the same as you suggest. Everything felt manufactured and forced. We went to a marriage retreat about 2-3 weeks into really Ring and that was where she made the last openly rebellious act against the MR. It was a faith-based retreat, and she even said that the messages she was getting made her feel "stuck". I think that was what she was rebelling against. She said at lunch on the second to last day, after joking about me finding someone new online, "that would be okay if you did".I spiraled and we had a very tense lunch full of R talk.
Later that day she started to let go. At the retreat got more affectionate. We had a nice dinner out that night. And then the next day had one more R talk......but then we switched to fun, playful discussion. I highly encourage you to try to engage in this type of dialogue. We kept that momentum going as we went into full R in the weeks that followed, and she cited that as a reason for her becoming positive again in thinking about the MR.
So be patient T. Everyone comes around on their own time. Look at it like this: do you want her to be affectionate and not mean it? Or would you rather when she is affectionate that here is feeling behind it?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
