I have a question for everyone. I have been feeling a deep urge for repentance. I want to ask my W for forgiveness for all the wrongs I have done in my marriage, describing them in detail. Not the I'm so sorry begging and pleading based on fear that was done on BD. I just want a clear conscience and I want to ask her forgiveness as closure for myself. I know this won't bring her back and I have no expectations of her actually forgiving me. I just feel this is something I need to do, but I don't want to put the nail in the coffin. Please advise.
NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
She is not the W you knew and loved.
You're helping me find my balls and now I'll help you find yours.
Moment of weakness. This is why I run it through the forum first. I will keep it between me and God.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Please don't do that. You're wanting repentance is good, use that. Use it to give you patience in all of this, to be more understanding of her, to help let go. You said you want her to take responsibility for leaving when you tell the kids. Well, use this to drop that crap! I have stayed out of this conversation but I'm going to say it. You are sitting on a high horse looking down on her if that is what you think she should do. Meanwhile, you tell us that you want to ask her for forgiveness not acceptable my friend. When my wife and I told our kids we kept it neutral no blame and definitely let them know that they had nothing to do with the separation. If you need forgiveness then you need to accept you are as much responsible for this break-up as she is. You think she isn't being reasonable when in her mind she is being very reasonable and because you want to sit on your high horse here when it comes to her desire to leave and her selfishness then she is justified. TF- you have been doing great, but you are a long way from being done with this. Buckle up and hold on tight because you are in for a long ride. Now keep doing what you have been doing. Be kind, understanding and show gratitude and most of all give her the impression that you are happy with her the family and your situation so that she feels less stressed out and more inclined to think of you in a more positive light.
M46 W44 T20 M19 S21 D17 D11 D9 BD 1/2003 Reconciled 2/2004 Contemplating leaving again 4/2018 Deciding to stay 10/2018 (dodged another bullet...few)
Please don't do that. You're wanting repentance is good, use that. Use it to give you patience in all of this, to be more understanding of her, to help let go. You said you want her to take responsibility for leaving when you tell the kids. Well, use this to drop that crap! I have stayed out of this conversation but I'm going to say it. You are sitting on a high horse looking down on her if that is what you think she should do. Meanwhile, you tell us that you want to ask her for forgiveness not acceptable my friend. When my wife and I told our kids we kept it neutral no blame and definitely let them know that they had nothing to do with the separation. If you need forgiveness then you need to accept you are as much responsible for this break-up as she is. You think she isn't being reasonable when in her mind she is being very reasonable and because you want to sit on your high horse here when it comes to her desire to leave and her selfishness then she is justified. TF- you have been doing great, but you are a long way from being done with this. Buckle up and hold on tight because you are in for a long ride. Now keep doing what you have been doing. Be kind, understanding and show gratitude and most of all give her the impression that you are happy with her the family and your situation so that she feels less stressed out and more inclined to think of you in a more positive light.
Yep, I got it. 2x4 to knock me to my senses. I need to back down. I think I come across as too high and mighty. Just got my butt chewed by my W on another topic basically saying the same thing about looking down on her, being to harsh, telling her the whats what. I got a lot of work to do to grow. Right now I really feel like I effed up. This is really really hard, and things are looking pretty bleak.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Yep, I got it. 2x4 to knock me to my senses. I need to back down. I think I come across as too high and mighty. Just got my butt chewed by my W on another topic basically saying the same thing about looking down on her, being to harsh, telling her the whats what. I got a lot of work to do to grow. Right now I really feel like I effed up. This is really really hard, and things are looking pretty bleak.
TF, look through the quotes page and you may see one of mine regarding making decisions based on emotion.
Spoiler alert: It usually always ends up bad. (My decision to call and chew out W because of her cheating ways...emotionally driven. My desire for sex...emotionally driven.)
Force yourself to just take a moment between receiving the emotions your W unleashes on you and your response back. Take a breath. Think about it. Then speak. It's hard at first and you will seem meek and pathetic. But you keep trying and get better and stronger at it. It's a process.
I know this is really hard. And I'm sorry. But you're not alone. We're fighting similar battles.
Lastly, it's ok to f*ck up. I f*ck up a lot! But I'm bouncing back quicker. You know how long it took me to start coming back from this?
8 months. 8 months of crying, begging, pleading, looking pitiful, having my days go by the way my W's day is going (whether she got...laid or not).
.