Yeah. You need to GAL.Show her Did 2.0 is amoafwl. By the way, she has to IC a lot, so you´ll need time and patience. But you must keep moving forward. Don´t sit waiting, do the GAL.
Eyes open, expectation at minimum required to fuel the spark.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
She isn’t doing IC at this point. Just MC and did IC once. I can’t make her do it. Its the same therapist. She gave W some books to read. One on self esteem and another on codependency. W puts on an amazing front and even I fall for it. But she says all she wants to do is lay in bed. Or I say I like being busy she says she’s the opposite. She watches movies every night by herself. Idk if we really have a chance. I need to be unavailable. And just Be there for d4 not W as much. Just do what MC says. No more sexual humor or trying to touch her. An exercise in mental toughness.
She knows how great of a guy I am. She has said I’m the best fuy she knows how admirable all the change is. That I’m completely different. No one as hot as me. Sex great. Date great. Wanted more. Asked how I did it how I learned to be open honest not scared of intimacy.
I think it’s her subconscious telling her she doesn’t deserve me and a happy family. I think she needs to know she doesn’t have me. I feel better when I don’t think about her...
I go to stay at a friends tonight then Hawaii tomorrow. That’s pretty GAL right?
Last edited by Did; 10/24/1812:55 PM.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Got lunch with w today. Nothing real to report. Wasn’t great just kind of shooting the sht. While driving I put my hand on her leg. Didn’t even really think of it... She said no. That’s were supposed to start as friends and i keep breaking the rules. She seemed mad for a few seconds. Last night she said she wanted more after our date the other day. Couple weeks ago having sex. I’ve told her I don’t trust her. She says that’s ok. And that I can facetime her every night she’s alone if I want. I told her no way I’d do that . She did clean my place really well the other day while I was working. That was really nice of her and felt good just to have that level of care. I kind of just feel like it’s just done. I have to improve my patience. . Heading to her house to spend time with D4 tomorrow late afternoon then out to Hawaii for 5 days.
Did, what is the current status of the voluntary support. Because I am still seeing her doing things just to make sure that support is secure. I mean, really ask yourself what the purpose behind her cleaning YOUR place for you could possibly be?
I do not think you will get her to be genuine until the support is cut off. The support is going to prolong your limbo. It will continue to have her run hot and cold. "Oh, he might be cutting me off, let me sleep with him!" "Okay, he paid, I can back way off again."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think it’s her subconscious telling her she doesn’t deserve me and a happy family. I think she needs to know she doesn’t have me. I feel better when I don’t think about her... ?
Wow, you give her WAY TOO MUCH BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. How do you not see that everything she does is to keep you hanging on? What could you possibly have to offer her that she wants you to hang on like that? (And the "She knows how great of a guy I am. She has said I’m the best fuy she knows how admirable all the change is. That I’m completely different. No one as hot as me. Sex great. Date great. Wanted more. Asked how I did it how I learned to be open honest not scared of intimacy. " stuff....wow you really do still believe everything she says.)
Did, I told you last week, your sitch is way too advanced for you to be still making the same mistakes. Putting your hand on her leg? You claim it was without thinking....YEAH RIGHT. I can remember that in the thick of my sitch, every encounter and every interaction was razor sharp at the forefront of my mind. Do not try to tell us that you "didn't think about it" and your hand just magically went to her leg. No way.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
While driving I put my hand on her leg. Didn’t even really think of it... She said no.
You simply have to stop pursuing 100%. You say "yeah yeah I'm going to" but then each interaction you have with her you're pursuing her.
From her perspective, you look like a big backed up dam of emotion that is literally spilling over the top and leaking from all the seams. She's going to be worried that if she gives you an inch you'll take a mile. If she leans back in that dam is going to come crashing down and you're going to sweep her away in your wake.
You have to make this worse before it gets better. The best thing you can do would be to go dark. Make her wonder what you're up to. Make her wonder why you're suddenly disinterested. There is no wondering about your mental state in your current course of action and that is going to work against you forever and keep you stuck right where you are or worse.
I also would *not* do MC right now. No way. The MC is going to get you to talk about your feelings and what you want in front of W, and you should *not* be doing that at all. You'll say you want to get back together and list all the logical reasons why. She'll say she's not sure. You'll play out pursuer/distancer in front of the MC. He'll suggest a few things for her to do or try and she'll do 25% of them half-heartedly and you'll get nowhere.
MC doesn't work at all unless both parties are motivated to make things better. MC should be a condition of you taking her back, which implies she first needs to *convince* you to take her back. You're 100 miles away from that point emotionally between the two of you, so starting MC would be a bad idea. Tell her you know longer want to do it and don't explain yourself. Just say you're not interested.
You're playing a game of poker right now and you're showing her all your cards. If you do MC, the therapist will also prompt you to show her the next few hands you plan on having and how you're going to play them. Bad bad bad. Hold your cards close, don't tell her what you're thinking, how you're feeling, or anything. Share no intimacy. Don't offer to meet up or do things together, don't make any offers. If she puts forth an offer accept them infrequently. When you do something with her be happy, polite, and pleasant, but not personal, and do not even appear interested in physical intimacy of any kind.
You're digging yourself a huge hole here with your pursuit and it needs to stop. It will require self-discipline. Are you up for it? If you don't believe some or any of this, argue with us about it, don't try your theories out on W and "see how it goes". I can predict how it will go 100% and it won't be good.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray...this brings me back to the question I have been having for quite a while now. If physical intimacy is initiated by WW what is your position on engaging at that point?
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
Accuray...this brings me back to the question I have been having for quite a while now. If physical intimacy is initiated by WW what is your position on engaging at that point?
I will let Accuray answer for himself, but in general we typically say it is okay to engage in AS LONG AS you can do it without any expectations or significance attached.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
